


The Barriers Within

by ExistentialMalaises



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: And I'm right there with you!, Avengers Tower, Blood and Injury, Confusion, Domestic Avengers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Infidelity, It's going to be messy and complicated, Love Triangles, Missions, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Smut, in which everyone has made up - ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-04-22 08:49:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 45,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14305113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExistentialMalaises/pseuds/ExistentialMalaises
Summary: Finally [Y/N] has made a family of her own. She’s keeping busy. She’s making a difference in the world. And then… she finds love. Twice. In over her head, she is stuck in a tight spot between two wonderful men, and she doesn’t know how to get out.





	1. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”_  
>  ― Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī - مولوی

“I’m going after Fleischer.” Steve’s steady voice came through the earpiece [Y/N] was wearing. She pressed her finger against the device to activate it, covered her frame behind a rectangular container, and focused on his words. “Sam and [Y/N], heads up. One of his operatives is on the move. Eastbound. Coming in hot.” She lowered herself, and with silent steps she moved east.

“I got visuals.” Sam’s voice came through together with the rustle of the cold air. “Thirty-two feet. Nine o’clock, [Y/N]. Twenty-nine feet. Twenty-five feet.” 

A large, dark figure with a semiautomatic headed her way at full tilt. Heavy steps and long breaths. He seemed to be running away from something, not focused on his surroundings, just his speed.

“Twenty feet. Seventeen feet.”

[Y/N] breathed out softly, trying to calm her mind, trying to concentrate, as the man came closer. He hadn’t seen her yet, and she wanted to keep it that way. “Sam, shut up. I can see him.”

“I’m bored up here,” Sam said.

“Circle back to Bucky then,” Steve said.

“On it.” Sam confirmed, and [Y/N] pressed her earpiece again, turning off the device from her end. Another deep breath, her mind cleared, with only seconds left before the man would see her… if she didn’t render herself unseen to the naked eye. Invisible. Her most efficient advantage over her opponents when executed accurately.

And she was accurate. Both Steve and Natasha had taught her how to be. She ran towards the man, adding all her speed in her steps from the short distance, which meant he may not have seen her coming, but he did hear her. Just as the man’s eyes widened in confusion, [Y/N] lifted her knee and struck him in the stomach unsparingly, making him double forward in pain and shock. The man’s weapon fell out of his hand and [Y/N] picked it up. She revealed herself then, because she didn’t want to play with his mind, even if Natasha had advised against this. [Y/N] wanted her opponents to know where the attack came from. _Who_ it came from. She smiled and pointed the man’s gun at him, indicating not to retaliate. He sat up and raised the palmd of his hands. She neared him, the semiautomatic aimed towards his chest, then struck him roughly on the head with the back of her foot, knocking him out instantly.

With the man incapacitated, she continued on her way to the mainframe to gather the necessary intelligence.

“Status?” Steve’s voice resonated through the earpiece fifteen minutes later, and she sighed. Nothing had come through, and she was waiting at their contact point… but she was the only one, and she had begun to worry. The men on her team were usually quicker than her, but it seemed like they were slacking today. She waited for the other voices.

“Clear,” Sam said.

Then silence, and she didn’t want to make Steve wait… so she spoke. “Tango down.”

“This is not the military.” Sam chuckled.

[Y/N] shrugged, even if no one could see her do it. “I know. Still fun to say. Clear.”

“Less _Tom Clancy_ games for you,” Sam said, and his airborne figure appeared above her.

“Bucky?” Steve asked.

More silence.

Both Sam and [Y/N] turned off their ear piece again. He landed in front of [Y/N], and she showed him the flash drive with the information they needed from this mission. An unassuming smile appeared on his face as he removed his goggles. She was pleased too... but her accomplishment was dimmed by the lack of communication from their last teammate. She smiled back at Sam nonetheless.

Some static appeared on their comm link, and both [Y/N] and Sam concentrated on the noise, until she finally heard Bucky speak.

“Clear.”

Back at the Avengers Tower, [Y/N] had dressed into a faded shirt and dark sweatpants. She always wanted to relax after a mission. Kick back on the couch with Wanda, maybe watch some Netflix. Wanda was always recommending new movies and shows to her, and the girl didn’t mind rewatching them. [Y/N] stretched her body, hoping a stretch and hot shower were enough to minimize the damage to her muscles, and set out to find Wanda. She wasn’t in her room. Wanda was always in her room. [Y/N] checked out the home theatre. Nothing. The library. Nope. The gym. Yeah, that wasn’t likely anyway. The kitchen. Empty. But there was food, so [Y/N] stuck around. She reached for the muffins that were placed on a platter on the kitchen counter. Her belly grumbled at the sight. She may have missed breakfast this morning. And maybe a proper lunch too. The mission got in the way. Just as she took a bite and was reaching for her phone to text Wanda, Sam walked into the room.

“Ah, there you are.”

“Here I am,” [Y/N] said though her bites. It may not have come out coherently, based on the look Sam was giving her, but the muffin really was more important right now. She took another mouthful of sweetness.

“I’m rounding up the boys. Celebratory drinks.”

“It’s only three?”

“Non-alcoholic drinks.”

“Ehh.” [Y/N] shrugged noncommittally.

Sam looked at the half-eaten muffin and grinned. “And celebratory burgers.”

“That’s more like it.” 

“Be ready in ten.” Sam tapped his fingers on the kitchen counter, then turned towards the exit.

“You’re paying?” [Y/N] called out.

Sam’s voice still rang through the air as he left the kitchen. “Hell no. Company card.”

“Works for me.” [Y/N] shrugged again and finished her muffin, before she changed her attire. Again. So much for relaxing. At least there’d be free food.

The walk to their favorite diner was silent and slow, and that was really all she needed. Using her abilities always costed her one way or another, even if the use was minimal like it was today. The peace and quiet in her mind helped her rehabilitate the energy it lost earlier on, and a stroll through the City during springtime, when the world seemed more colorful and alive, was soothing. Silent and slow wasn’t the standard in Manhattan, unless you knew the right areas, unless you knew the right back alleys, and their stroll to the diner was perfectly coordinated by Sam. Seemed like he knew what they all needed.

Somehow he always did.

Sam was observant, like she was, but his care and attention for every Avenger was never presumptuous. She may have discovered that she was competent at being an Avenger, using her skills to fight and gather intelligence, and she may have been good at perceiving and analyzingher targets, but when it came to her personal relationships… she was good at shallow. She was good at binge-watching on the couch with Wanda. She was good at playing games on the PS4 with Sam and sometimes Bucky. She was good at making smalltalk over shared dinners. She was good at making her friends laugh, just like Sam. She was even good at listening, but she wasn’t good at deep. She was still trying to understand the sea of emotions that swept through people; one moment there’d be happy high tides… and the next moment a strong current would drag any hint of happiness away. People were complicated. But Sam always knew when to give and when to step back. He never let the ugliness he had seen in the world taint his perception or understanding. [Y/N] couldn’t help but admire him for that. 

“What’re you having?” Steve glanced to his left and caught [Y/N]’s eye. She placed her elbow on the booth table and turned her body towards him. 

“The usual.”

“Creature of habit.” Sam interjected across from them, and she rolled her eyes.

[Y/N] put down the menu and quirked her eyebrow. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

“How else do you know what else you could like?”

“I already know what I love.” She shrugged. “No need to switch it up.”

“You’re missing out.”

“Think I’ll go for my usual as well.” Steve pulled her attention away from Sam again, and her heart swelled up a bit when the smile on his face grew big. It was the effect Steve had on her. He gave her his kind smiles so willingly, and she paid the price for it. Every time. Seconds of precious happiness followed by hours of wallowing how that was all she was getting from him. Unless there was a distraction to keep her mind preoccupied.

“I like the way you think, Steve.” She smiled back, and his eyes lowered to her lips. She could feel herself getting warmer, so she avoided his gaze when…

… The right distraction presented itself. “Boring.” Sam deadpanned, and she rolled her eyes again.

“Say what you want, but we all still remember when you tried and then complained about those Burrito Burgers.” [Y/N] grinned, and Sam couldn’t help but return it. It was a good memory. “Right, Bucky? Sam was the worst.”

“He was.” Bucky shifted in his seat next to Sam, and even he smiled at the thought. Poking fun at Sam was one of the easiest way to make Bucky smile. It was something she had come to learn quickly ever since he joined the Avengers. It was a hard transition for all of them, and Bucky still was very private and hesitant around people, but mocking Sam always did the trick. That, or simply ranting. He always listened attentively, even if he didn’t say back much. She wasn’t much of a talker herself, not like Sam, but finding someone who talked way less than her… it really inspired her to step out of her comfort zone.

“Think I’ll try the Spicy Korean Fried Chicken Burger this time. I’m missing some heat. Y’all boring me today.”

“Some things should not be burgers.” Bucky muttered.

“You’re going to regret that,” Steve said to Sam, and everyone grinned, excited to find out how much Sam would be regretting it later on.

“Anyways, have you handed over the flash drive to Natasha already?” Sam changed the topic.

“Obviously. First Natasha, then shower. I have learned not to piss her off,” [Y/N] said.

“Uh-huh, she doesn’t get angry. She gets cold. _Unnerving_. Was she pleased?”

“Yup.”

“What about you Steve? Did you get what we needed from Fleischer?”

“Yeah, took a bit of effort… but—”

“Effort? Really? Well, I was bored. I’m thinking four-man jobs are becoming unnecessary at this point. The newbie here has completed her training over a year ago, she’s done solo ops, and she seems to be doing fine without anyone watching her back.”

“Me? I’m not the newbie, you know. Bucky is.”

“Yeah, well, Bucky has a lifetime of experience. You don’t. Sorry to bring that up, old man.” Sam elbowed Bucky, who grumbled something inaudible as he brushed his fingers through his hair and looked at the table.

“Whatever.” [Y/N] muttered.

“It’s a compliment. You’ve been doing great.”

“Sam’s right.” Steve spun his glass of soda around in his hands thoughtfully, and she shut up at the compliment from the both of them while Steve glanced around the table. “Guess the ops are just few and far between right now, which is great, and so I put a lot of people on them.”

“Can’t hurt to have backup though.” Bucky leaned his head against the top of the booth, tilting his chin up, and lowering his eyes towards [Y/N]. She smiled at him, wondering what the hell that meant. 

Sam shrugged. “Unless you’re boredly hovering in the air.” 

“Tough shit, buddy,” Bucky said, his eyes back on the table now.

Sam cracked up, and [Y/N] noticed the loophole. “Well, then, I’m officially volunteering as the backup at home from now on.”

“Yeah, _no_ , you need to keep earning your stripes, rookie,” Sam said, still amused.

[Y/N] crunched her eyebrows together, trying not to pout. “These backhanded compliments.”

“I’ll take on that hard job instead. Might as well do more volunteering. Plenty of organizations in the different boroughs where I could help.”

“That’s a great idea, Sam. We’ll make it work. When there aren’t crises around, it’s really not that busy,” Steve said.

“Yeah, exactly. And I can’t be in the gym all day.”

Bucky dawdled with his straw in the glass of soda in front of him. “Let me guess, it’s—”

“BORING.” [Y/N] leaned towards Sam and Bucky, already laughing as she said the word Bucky was probably going to say. He smiled at her, confirming what she thought, and that just made her laugh harder. “To be fair, it really is.”

“Fucking thank you.” Sam raised his arms.

“Hey, seriously.” Steve policed, and [Y/N] was cackling at this point. She would’ve stopped, because she was pretty certain she looked maniacal… and her stomach was starting to hurt, but everyone’s face had brightened as they joined her little fit of insanity. It was the small and simple moments like these that she wanted to retain, because it was moments like these that made her feel like she finally belonged. After losing her parents the way she did, in that awful plane crash, when she was only a teenager, and having lost her home and the people closest to her at the same time… she wasn’t sure she would recuperate. But with time she learned to be alone. And now, she wasn’t alone anymore. She was part of a family. An unlikely family of strangely gifted and capable people, but a family nonetheless. And she never thought she could be this happy again.

After everyone received their food, the talking died down for a good while… until of course, it turned out that Steve was right. Sam was regretting his choice of burger. The diner used authentic Korean spices, and even Sam couldn’t handle it. He tried his hardest not to show, but once he went through his third soda in five minutes—and not even halfway done with his burger—there really was no way to veil the regret. It showed in his eyes. It showed on his lips. It showed in how he grabbed the burger, like it was the devil’s incarnate. Not a pretty sight. And it was the best thing [Y/N] had seen all day.

On their saunter back to the Avengers Tower, they passed the East River in momentary awe. The afternoon sun glinted brightly on the calm water, and [Y/N] came to a halt as she admired the way it rippled into small sparkles of orange and gold.

“Everything alright?” Steve had stopped walking too and had his back towards Sam and Bucky, who were still moving towards their home. One of the two chattering. [Y/N] glanced back at Steve, the worry readable on his face, and she smiled immediately, hoping to ease them.

“Yeah, was just admiring the view. The tall buildings tend to tower—excuse the pun—the view, so I sometimes forget how much more this City has to offer.”

Steve approached her, then followed her gaze. “Oh, so many.”

“Right, you’re from here.” [Y/N] said nonchalantly, as though she hadn’t memorized every detail he ever told her about himself.

“Well, Brooklyn. It’s not the same as Manhattan.”

She nodded. “I hardly ever go to Brooklyn.”

“You sound like a proper Manhattanite.” 

“Should I be proud of that?”

“You should always be proud.” Their eyes met for a second, and she averted her gaze back to the East River. She could handle the way the sun smiled down on them, she could not handle the way he did. Not when he was so close to her. Not when they were all alone.

“Heh, thanks, Steve.”

“You’d feel good about taking on more solo missions, or completing your individual tasks during joint ops?”

“What? Uhh, yeah, not a problem. I have completed most of my solo ops successfully.”

“You have.”

“And training with you all for almost two years now has definitely made me physically stronger and more strategic too.”

“Good. I’m glad you feel it has paid off.”

“Yes, would be a pity if the hell I was put through was not worth it.”

“Just standard combat and survival training… but you did great.” 

[Y/N] nodded as she thought back to those days, back when she was flustered on a daily basis because of her individual training sessions with him… when dealing with her feelings for him was still new. “Oh, and the mental stress thing. That was especially fun.”

“That’s Nat’s forte.”

“Yeah, I’m glad _that_ part is over and done with.” [Y/N] glanced back at him. He rubbed the back of his neck, and she chewed on her bottom lip. “Did I say thank you already? For the, uhh, compliment? I appreciate you saying I’ve made improvements. I’m grateful.”

“Not a problem.”

“Maybe, uhh, maybe you could show me some of the beautiful sights Brooklyn has to offer?”

“S-sorry?”

Tension coiled in the pit of her stomach. Maybe she should’ve kept it work-related. She didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. Fuck, _she_ didn’t want to feel this uncomfortable. “You… implied Brooklyn has views worth admiring?”

“Ah, yes, I did. Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Hm, would be good to visit some old neighborhoods. Might be a good thing for Bucky too. A walk down memory lane.” Steve smiled at her.

“As long as you don’t think I’d be intruding…”

“Intruding? No, not at all! It’ll be great to show you around.” His smile widened, and [Y/N] nodded slowly as her vision returned to the river.

A sigh escaped her lips. Was Steve slow, or was she too subtle? It wasn’t like she was actively trying to make a move. She wasn’t. Not sure if she dared to. She just wanted to be around him as much as she could, and preferably when they weren’t working or training. She had enjoyed getting to know Steve over the years, even if the process had been slow since he did keep things strictly professional for so long… at least until Bucky showed up.

After Steve found his old friend again, something changed with him. He seemed happier. He seemed more open. [Y/N] imagined that he must’ve been lonely without his friends from his time. [Y/N] had felt lonely in her life because of her powers, but she was with people now who weren’t that different from her — with people who understood. Steve, however, had no one who truly understood what he had gone through… not even his late friend, Peggy Carter. Well, [Y/N] imagined that not even she could understand. Only someone who had lived through what Steve did. Bucky was that person. And so [Y/N] imagined that now Steve felt more understood too — and wasn’t that what everyone wanted, in the end?

Despite growing much closer together over the years and into a comfortable and close friendship, something [Y/N] had taken satisfaction with, she still let herself wonder sometimes. It was hard not to. Close proximities were the worst. They made her warm throughout her figure, they’d have her heart racing within seconds, especially if she became aware of his body heat, and delirious thoughts would cloud her mind. Intoxicating. Her feelings for him were intoxicating at times. He’d be all she could think about… unless she’d drown out those thoughts with diversions.

[Y/N] glanced at her phone. Wanda had texted her back. She was back at the Avengers Tower again. Apparently she went grocery shopping on a whim, then ended up spending the afternoon in Bryant Park, and was now making dinner. [Y/N] wasn’t exactly hungry after her huge burger, but she could definitely use the distraction.

“Want to head back? It’s getting cold,” [Y/N] said after she put her phone away.

“Sure. Want my jacket? I’m not that cold.”

“Uhh, ok.” She bit her lip to stop herself from burning up. He probably meant nothing by it, anyway. Just Steve being polite. That’s what the problem was really. His politeness unnerved her. He was just so damn nice… something she loved about him, but that meant that she might just be reading into things. Might all be in her head. It was why she never dared to do anything about her feelings. Steve removed his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders, gently drawing it closed without zipping it. “Thanks.”

“Hope that’s better.”

“Hmm. It’s warm.” She clung her fingers around the unfastened zipper after he let go. [Y/N] pulled it together tightly while she reveled in his warmth that still lingered inside of his jacket, and Steve talked about some of the sights Brooklyn offered on their sunny walk back home.

Once they arrived at the Tower, [Y/N] returned his jacket somewhat shyly. It was silly what he was reducing her to, but that was uncertainty did to her. It kind of incapacitated her. But she didn’t want to think of it, about him, anymore. Those thoughts seemed endless, and they were certainly frustrating. Instead, she followed her nose and was led to the kitchen.

“That smells delicious, Wanda. What are you cooking?”

“Beef Goulash.” Wanda unhurriedly stirred a spatula in a big pot. “Vhere have you been all day?”

“Mission in Middle America this morning. Burgers and fries this afternoon.”

“Good mission?” Wanda asked, and [Y/N] nodded. “At _Sunny Side Up_?”

“You should come next time.”

Wanda shook her head and focused on the Goulash. “Maybe. You know me, I don’t like ze stares.” She had had a hard time transitioning after everything that happened in Sokovia. Losing her brother. Coming to America. Making unfortunate and disastrous errors in the public eye when trying to safeguard. It made her very cautious and wary of everyone who had access to a smartphone outside of the Tower. [Y/N] knew a thing or two about screwing up, about trying to fit in, but fortunately for her… she didn’t have to go through that in the public eye. People didn’t know her when she started her training. She was just a nobody. So the scrutiny came a bit later, and somehow was less traumatizing, because the others had warned her. Still painful. Still confronting. Still hard to wrap her head around it sometimes. But somewhat easier. They had each other though. Wanda and [Y/N]. And that definitely helped. She wasn’t that much older than Wanda, so it wasn’t that hard to relate to the girl.

Wanda was incredibly sweet, really. A gentle soul, so full of dreams, but she hadn’t been in a place where she felt comfortable enough to follow them. Not for now. Maybe just smaller dreams. [Y/N] supposed the Avengers were all… somewhat disheartened. Far from perfect, they were only humans, even if people insisted on calling them superheroes. If only they knew.

“I know… Well, I’m always up for more episode of _Jane the Virgin_ if you are.” 

That brought back a smile on Wanda’s face. “As long as ve don’t argue again over vho Jane should be vith.”

“Obviously it’s Michael. Why anyone likes Rafael is beyond me.” [Y/N] leaned on the counter, awaiting her friend’s comeback.

“He’s rich. Zat’s a _million_ reasons to like him.”

[Y/N] chuckled. “Good thing I know you’re joking.”

“Good zing indeed.” Wanda beamed, then tasted the Goulash. “Five more minutes. Zen ve can get started.”

“Perfect. I’ll set things up!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated. You can also find me on [Tumblr](https://existentialmalaises.tumblr.com/).  
> If you feel this story warrants other/more tags, please let me know.


	2. Small Favors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a mission goes wrong, [Y/N] pays the price.

“ _Ahhh_.” A sudden pang of piercing discomfort burned through [Y/N]’s body, and she collapsed to the floor. She looked down at where the pain was coming from, her right thigh, and the dark blue of her uniform was tainted by the crimson red of blood. Her blood. The throbbing in her leg intensified, and all she felt was the crushing sensation of fear… but even that couldn’t rid her of the overwhelming pain in her leg.

“Steve?” She murmured as she turned invisible and began to crawl away from her enemy’s vision… A smear of blood colored the ground, and gave away her position, so she decided to stay put. Invisible. Hoping her opponent wouldn’t be smart enough to figure out she was still there. “I’m shot.”

“Where are you?” Steve’s voice came through the earpiece.

“Still stuck on the first floor.”

“I’m on my way.”

[Y/N] slowed down her breathing when the hooded man neared her, so he wouldn’t hear her. The beating in her heart intensified, and she was no longer sure which sense was screaming the loudest in her mind. The sight of the man. The pain in her thigh. The sound of silence.

But then they both heard a loud footfall coming their way at a blistering pace; her opponent turned around when Steve appeared in their sight. He immediately fired shots, making her heart thud even harder in her head, but Steve tilted his shield and the bullets repulsed to the side. He continued running towards the hooded man, who was anxiously backing away now when Steve shoved him forcefully against the wall with his shield. The man crumbled to the ground. Knocked out. His gun next to him.

A whimper fell from her lips, and Steve looked in her direction. [Y/N] rendered herself visible again, and Steve walked up to her immediately.

“We need to go. Can you walk?”

“I didn’t get what we came for.” [Y/N] protested, but Steve raised by her shoulders, and when she tried to take a step, a crushing pang of pain shot through her entire body. She recoiled, and wanted to be on the floor again, but Steve threw his arm around her legs and lifted her up. She bawled at the pressure he was putting on her leg, and instinctively pushed away because she wanted the pain to stop, but he wouldn’t let go of her.

He ran. He ran so far. He ran for so long. She couldn’t tell. All she felt was the pain with every step he took. She was crying by the time he had set her down in some sort of barn, far away from their entry point, crying until the pain had become numb… then crying because that worried her even more.

“I’m sorry, Steve. I fucked up.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Steve said sternly, the concentration clear in his voice, and she leaned her head back against a wooden pillar. The ground was dirty, and her blood was contributing to it now too. “I need to check the wound and put a stop to the bleeding. This might hurt a little.” Steve kept one hand on her bleeding wound as he peered into her eyes, awaiting her approval, and she faintly nodded at him. He didn’t need anything else. With a rough tug he ripped the fabric near her wound.

“ _Ah_ , fuck, please, not so fast.”

“I’m sorry. That was the worst of it.” Steve slowly pulled apart more fabric away from her wound, so all of her thigh became visible and he could take a better look.

Steve examined the front and back of her leg without trying to move her, and she kept her eyes closed. Not seeing the blood lessened the pain somehow. “It’s a clean shot. Went right through. Doesn’t seem to have hit major blood vessels.”

“Hmm.” She breathed heavily through her mouth. “Small favors?”

“I’ll need to clean it. Hold on.” He tore off more of her fabric, parts that weren’t covered in blood, and she was about to make an inappropriate joke about how there were easier ways to get her in a state of undress, but then that joke required talking… and she was tired.

After cleaning the wound with some water and a cloth from her uniform, Steve ripped off the rest of the fabric on her leg, then tore it into smaller strips. First he pressed folded strips on the entry and exit wound, then he applied pressure by rolling the rest of the strips tightly around her leg and tying it into a knot to keep it in place.

“My leg is cold, Steve. Can you keep touching it? Your hand is warm.”

“Yes, I can, but let me find a blanket too. I think I saw something earlier.”

“Ok. Hurry back.” [Y/N] shivered a little as Steve disappeared from her peripheral vision. She missed the warmth of his hand, and her leg could not go cold. She did not want any long-term damage. She did not want to go out like this. She was too young. She hadn’t made her parents proud yet. She lived too timidly. There was so much she still wanted to do. Kiss Steve. Build a good life for herself. Make a difference in the world. Tears formed in her eyes, and she tried to steady her breathing. Focus on something else than anxious thoughts that would do her no good right now. But what the fuck was she supposed to think about?! When Steve came jogging back, she visibly relaxed again.

“I need you to raise your leg. I need your knee up.” Steve sat down next to her again, his warm hands back on her wounded leg.

“It really hurts, Steve. What if I won’t be able to walk again?” She groaned, trying to follow his instructions.

“That’s not going to happen. Come on.” Steve helped her elevate her leg to the level of her heart, so the swelling and bleeding would lessen. She knew what he was doing. She was instructed in survival care by him, but being on the other side of it… was fucking terrifying. “There you go. I got you,” Steve said as he wrapped a brown blanket over her legs. 

She shivered again, still waiting for the blanket to provide her figure with the heat it required. She focused on something else than the pain. The palms of Steve’s hands were pressing on her thigh, making sure she wouldn’t bleed out. She exhaled softly, and her fingers brushed over one of his wrists. “Your hands are all bloody.”

“That’s ok. I’ll clean it up later. For now, I should—”

“C-could you hold me?” [Y/N] said, the warmth of the blanket wasn’t enough.

Steve didn’t respond for a couple of seconds, but then he scooted next to her, and wrapped his arm around her tentatively, squeezing her gently when she leaned into his warm embrace. The barn they were in was so grand, and she could hear the animals moving in their stalls. She was actually curious about them… now that she could think better again. Now that she felt less afraid. Now that she was in his arms. Not like the animals mattered. They weren’t the ones dealing with a gunshot. Steve’s leg was touching hers, and even through the barrier of the blanket she could feel the warmth that was oozing from him. It had a soothing effect on her leg and on her mind. She sighed softly, trying to let go of some of the tension and pain in her body.

“Something’s up with our comm links. Like they knew we were coming. I need to find a phone. Call in for an extraction since normal protocol doesn’t apply now. There’s a house close to the ranch.” Steve sounded tired, but his fingers grazed over her arm without falter. “I’ll only be a couple of minutes.”

He removed his arm from her shoulder and was about to scoot away when [Y/N] reached for his hand. She wasn’t sure if she was ok with him leaving, even if it would only be a few minutes. She knew that was her fear talking, but damn it… she _was_ afraid. All her training taught her how to act in the moment, but the moment had passed, and now she was waiting… with two gaping wounds in her thigh. [Y/N] stared at Steve. She wasn’t sure what to say. She knew he had to find that phone. They needed an extraction, otherwise they’d be sitting ducks. The HYDRA followersthey had gone after could find them like this, and she was in no condition to fight.

Steve glanced down at their hands, then met her quiet gaze. “It’s going to be ok. You’re going to be ok. I’ll make sure of it.” He brushed away a lock of hair that had fallen in front of her face, obscuring her eyes, and [Y/N] sighed at the touch.

“Ok.” She whispered, and the tips of his fingers lowered to her jaw… then her neck. Her heart began to flutter, and she noticed how red his lips were in that moment. What was she doing? How was she even thinking of… but was thinking really a part of it? Because next thing she knew, their bodies were pulled closer towards each other… her pain subdued and almost forgotten… her mind clouded by the sight of his lips… until she finally tasted them. It was a soft kiss, tentative, like he didn’t want to hurt her, but really… she felt no more pain, just softness, just sweetness, just warmth. And as quick as she got a taste, she was deprived of it too.

Steve stood up, and she wanted to whimper at the lack of his warmth everywhere. A kiss. She had kissed him. A small favor in case she did die today. “Only a couple of minutes.” He repeated and left after she nodded her confirmation.

Though it certainly felt like more, Steve had stayed true to his word. He had returned with a cellphone, a bottle of water, and clean bandage to add to the improvised compression on her thigh. The bleeding had subsided, no need for a tourniquet, so they were both reassured that they could wait for extraction without endangering her further.

Once they had returned to the Tower, [Y/N] was immediately escorted to the medic bay by Steve and a couple of doctors before she blacked out. The next thing she remembered was waking up in a hospital bed, and an insane amount of pain to her right leg. With a press of a button a doctor was alarmed of her consciousness, and after discussing her vitals and how to treat her wound, Steve and Natasha were brought in too. 

“Steve…” [Y/N] said, and their eyes met. He gave her a curt nod, but remained standing behind Natasha. Reluctantly, [Y/N] took her eyes off of him. “Natasha, what are you doing here?” Her voice was still groggy from the medication and tiredness. She probably looked like a mess. If only these rooms had mirrors. She could’ve fixed her hair or something. She wasn’t making a wonderful impression in front of her bosses.

“Just checking in on you. How are you feeling?”

“Hmm, could be better.”

“I figured. There’s an experimental seed that Nick was cultivating. We haven’t fully implemented it into our medicinal treatment, because the results aren’t entirely conclusive yet, but it should help with the healing process.”

“How experimental is it?”

“You’d be the second person we’d test it on.”

“Who was the first?”

“Me.” Of course she was. Natasha didn’t become the new overseer of the Avengers, more or less taking over Nick Fury’s job, because she took the easy way out. The woman might’ve been hard to read most of the times and was good at keeping her distance, but [Y/N] had become well aware of Natasha’s many strengths, and it made her in awe of Natasha. Hard not to be.

“Work out well for you?”

“I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, alright. So how quickly does a gunshot wound heal? What are the side-effects?”

“What should take months in your case will be a matter of weeks. And it might affect your mental competence.”

“ _What now?_ I will go crazy?”

“No. Because all the energy of your body will be focused on restoring the damaged tissue, it’ll just be harder to deal with stress, but that should pass once your body is done healing.”

“You’re making it sound suspiciously easy.”

“Well, I know it’s hard to break your spirit, and you won’t be on active duty until you’re healed. So I think you’ll be fine.”

“That’s good enough for me then.” 

“Great.” Natasha nodded to the doctor who handed [Y/N] a small green bean.

“This looks like a magic bean. You know, from _Jack and the Beanstalk_ ,” [Y/N] said, chewed on the item—tasted like a damn bean too—then swallowed it down with some water. “Anything else? Otherwise I’d really like to leave the infirmary.”

Steve uncrossed his arms. “You’re good to go. Right, doctor?”

“Yes, sir. Please come in for a check up in three days, or sooner if you’re feeling off.” The doctor said, then left the room after she nodded.

“Great!” [Y/N] removed the blanket that laid on top of her, revealing her bare legs and hospital gown. The wound was covered up with bandages, and her skin around it seemed to have darkened too. It was a strange sight. She tried to move her legs to the side of the bed, but the subdued pain in her right leg turned into a piercing one, and stopped her dead in her tracks. Guess the magic beans don’t work that fast. “Ok, don’t think I’ll be able to walk.”

“The doctor got you a wheelchair until you’re ready to move to crutches.” Steve brought a wheelchair to the side of the bed. “I can ride you around. Everyone’s waiting.”

“Should probably get dressed first,” [Y/N] said and she caught Steve’s glance going down her legs. “No matter how much I love this hospital gown, it’s not really my style.”

“I had Marissa from personnel fetch you some clothing.” Steve cleared his throat, straightening even more, if that was possible.

“Could, uhh, could someone help me with the leg? My body’s not feeling very bendy today.”

“Yeah, I’ll, uhh, wait outside,” Steve said, as if on cue, and walked out the room.

“That was odd.” [Y/N] raised her eyebrow. Hadn’t he just spent hours seeing and even touching her leg?

Natasha shrugged, and reached for a bag on one of the side tables. She removed a shirt, which she threw at [Y/N], then held on to a pair of sweatpants. “It’s better if I help with that.”

“Why? You’re both my bosses.” [Y/N] glanced underneath her gown. No bra. She untied the back of the gown, slid her arms out of the sleeves as she held the gown to her chest, then pulled the shirt over her head with her free arm and put it on.

“Mhmm, but we wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” Natasha stood in front of [Y/N] now, the sweatpants unfolded in her hands. “Sexual misconduct is unacceptable, and the lines are less blurry with me.”

“Why? You’re just as much into women as Steve is.” [Y/N] slowly tried to stand on her good leg, though the pain was really getting in the way of that. She wondered if she could combine the magic beans with painkillers. She could really use them.

Natasha smirked at the comment. “But I’m not the one you kissed.”

“ _Oh_. You know?” [Y/N] gazed at Natasha who had lowered herself to put the sweatpants on [Y/N]’s legs one by one.

“I know everything that goes on in the Tower.”

“That seems to be bordering on an invasion of privacy.”

“Not in the world of spies.” Natasha lifted herself, and raised the sweatpants over [Y/N]’s hips. A glint of mischief was visible in Natasha’s eyes, like there was more to her words. “Anyway, I know because Steve told me.”

“He told you?”

“Like I said, we don’t want any misconduct on our hands. If this is going to be something that the two of you are going to pursue, I’ll need you to sign some papers.”

“Cover your asses?”

“Pretty much,” Natasha said, and took a step back. “Steve! She’s all yours.” A small smile was playing on her lips, and it made [Y/N] grow all warm inside, but before she could respond to _that_ insinuation Natasha had left the hospital room as Steve entered it.

With a little help, Steve guided her into the wheelchair, then rolled her out of the infirmary and back to their communal suites. He hadn’t said much, and she really wasn’t sure what to say either. The silence in the elevator was deafening. This was definitely different. Now Steve knew. He knew that she was, at the very least, sexually attracted to him… and he was her superior. [Y/N] really had a penchant for picking the more difficult paths in life… but they were supposed to lead her to beautiful destinations… _right_?

As soon as they got out of the elevator, her friends rushed towards her and Steve. Wanda in the front, Sam right behind her with a huge bouquet of flowers, and Bucky lingering with his hands in his pockets. Even Vision was there to show his support. They didn’t talk much, he was weird—and coming from [Y/N] that’s saying something—but she appreciated the gesture nonetheless. She knew she could count on all of them, and the turn-out proved her right.

“I made chicken soup for you,” Wanda said, then hugged her friend when Steve halted the wheelchair. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving, actually.”

“Say no more.” Wanda meant to walk away, but Vision told her he’d get right on it and transported himself through the walls to get to the kitchen.

Sam showed her the flowers, and she took them. “Flowers for the sick.”

“Isn’t that meant to be ‘for the dead’?” [Y/N] raised her eyebrows.

“Well, it was a toss up.”

“You jerk!”

Sam hugged her tightly. “We’re glad you’re ok.”

“Thanks Sam.” She was elated and peered up at Bucky who stood in front of her now, towering and uncertain. “Bucky.” She smiled, and he returned it. Then he showed her a small card.

She took the card from him, and read the ‘get well soon’ messages from her friends. The smile would not disappear, not even if she tried, and she thanked all her friends again.

“Tony’s in India right now, but he sent this _Road to Recovery_ spa gift basket.” Sam pointed at a huge gift basket near the sofa with what seemed like organic soaps, scrubs and lotions. That was a nice gesture. Expensive, probably. “And a subscription to an in-home licensed massage therapist at your beck and call.” Now _that_ was useful. With all the sitting around that she’d be doing, her muscles would certainly need some… movement.

“I’m kind of jealous,” Wanda said.

Sam turned to her, his eyes big and his arms wide. “I know, right?!”

“Yeah, _you_ get shot in the leg next time, ok?” [Y/N] couldn’t help but smile though. She would be jealous too if she were in their shoes. She shouldn’t forget to call Tony later, if he’d even pick up. A text message then. He’d appreciate that more.

“I’m just saying.” Wanda smiled back, took the wheelchair out of Steve’s hands, and rolled [Y/N] to the gift basket.

After they all sat down, and [Y/N] started munching on her chicken soup and the others stopped fussing over her, each of them in their own way, it started to feel like normal. Until Sam made her the center of attention again. “So tell us all about it. You’re truly no longer a rookie, rookie.”

“Relive my traumatic experience right after being cleared to leave the infirmary?” [Y/N] swallowed her food.

“Yeah, it’ll help.” Sam leaned back on the sofa.

Wanda threw her head back in laughter. “Vhat kind of counselor are you?”

“A proactive one. Talking helps.”

[Y/N] gave it a try. She told her friends how it went down, and how Steve—who was seated next to Bucky, remaining very silent throughout, just like his friend—had saved her life, and the magic bean, and how much a gunshot fucking hurt. It did help to get it out. It was better than to keep replaying the moment in her head over and over again. The pain… the fear… the incertitude… It wasn’t a great situation to be in. She had been afraid of failure before, and she had failed… sometimes embarrassingly so, but now death became a much realer thing in her life. And that was far more terrifying. Immobilizing even. So talking was good. Talking meant taking steps.

Once a second portion of chicken soup had settled in the pit of [Y/N]’s stomach, tiredness overcame her. It hadn’t been a long day for her, but the pain was continuously present and that was very taxing… and so was paying attention to her friends — no matter how kind and generous they were… some sleep would be good. [Y/N] yawned as thoughts of sleep started to sound more and more appealing, and that seemed to prompt Steve off the couch.

“Should I get Wanda to help you undress?” He asked after he placed her on the bed in her room. She shifted on it slowly, then shook her head. Taking off her sweatpants wasn’t so hard. Putting them on, however; entirely different. “Will you let me know if you need anything?”

A stack of medication and magic beans—yes, they did have a different name, but it was long and this was easier—were piled up on the bedside table. Two new bottles of water next to it. “You don’t have to feel responsible for my well-being, Steve. I’m good. You saved me back there.”

“But I do. Feel responsible.”

“Because I’m your subordinate?”

“Yes. And my friend.” Steve averted his gaze. [Y/N] was expecting to hear that, and it was nice to hear, but… she felt disappointed too, because it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. “But also…”

“Yeah?”

“B-because you’re more…”

“I am?” Her fingers clutched around the sheet on her bed, trying to figure out if this was going where she hoped it would, trying to figure out if he didn’t mean anything else by it.

Steve scratched the back of his head, then sighed. “It was never supposed to come to this.”

“I’m not complaining. A gunshot was _all_ it took?” She grinned, hoping to relieve some of thenegative tension he was creating.

“You shouldn’t joke about that. I was really worried for you.”

“Well, I’m good. Quick thinking and proper immediate wound care did the trick. Think I should also give some credit to the shooter for having lousy aim?”

Steve shook his head in defeat. “You should rest. You’re tired.”

“Wait, Steve. About what you said.”

“I shouldn’t have said that. Earlier… you were in shock. I understand. Let’s just forget about it.” He crossed his arms, meeting her gaze.

“I wasn’t. In shock. Ok, maybe I was. But I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to. So let’s not forget about it. I mean, unless _you_ want to forget about it.”

Steve uncrossed his arms, and placed his hands on his hips. It was amusing to see him sorestless. Was he aware? “Don’t think I can…”

“Good. Besides, shock or not. I would’ve regretted it if I had died and not gotten a kiss from Captain America.” She smiled again, and she finally got a chuckle from him. Finally.

“That’s slightly dramatic.”

“I could’ve died, you know. Apparently it was a toss-up.”

“Sam is full of shit. I would’ve never let that happen.”

“Wow, wow, Steve. Language. Pff, and you’re calling _me_ dramatic?” [Y/N] quirked her eyebrow, and Steve grew modest under her watchful gaze… a small smile still visible on his face.

“Get some rest, [Y/N]. You sure you don’t need anything else?” Steve left her room after she shook her head and tried to contain the deranged butterflies that were fluttering around in her stomach.

Another painkiller and she’d probably sleep soundly too, if her thoughts on Steve and that kiss he couldn’t forget about either… wouldn’t keep her up all night.

A far better reason to stay awake.

Small favors?

 


	3. A New Addition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Y/N] continues to bond with both Steve and Bucky.

“No!” [Y/N] threw her hands in the air, annoyance settling into her veins, and she wanted to shove all the cards off her bed. “God _damn_ it!” Another loss. Steve kept on fucking winning. No fun playing with him. Not if he didn’t have the decency to let the crippled on the bed win every now and then.

Steve’s eyebrows quirked up, and the puzzlement on his face was making her more agitated. “What?! What did I do?” He put down his cards on the bed, face-down, because he had to make sure she wouldn’t get the upper hand one way or another. Not even sneakily. Damn him. 

“I can’t take it anymore. This is how you kept yourself entertained during the war?” [Y/N] tossed her cards on top of the shuffled stacks on her bed.

“It’s not as action-packed as they make it out to be in the history books. A lot of sitting around too… when we weren’t strategizing.”

[Y/N] pushed herself back a bit against her headboard, trying to make herself more comfortable again. “Thank God for WiFi.” 

“It does have its benefits.”

“Yeah, like what?”

Steve gathered all the cards slowly while he tried to come up with a good answer. “Hm, music on iTunes that I can carry with me wherever I go.”

“Sure, sure.”

“But some things are nicer when they’re not digital.” He shuffled the cards from his left to his right hand, then leafed the cards together with his thumbs. “Like books… or card games.”

“I like both options. Anyway, how about we play a different card game? _Go Fish_ and _66_ are starting to bore me.”

“Is it because I keep winning?”

“Maybe…” [Y/N] crossed her arms underneath her breasts, drumming her fingers rhythmically on her skin.

Steve chuckled. “So what else do you have in mind?”

“Ever heard of _Speed_?”

“Sounds…”

“No, don’t say—”

“Fast.” Steve said it anyway, and [Y/N] cracked a smile, covering her eyes with the palm of her hand. His jokes needed some work, but somehow he always managed to make her laugh. Steve grinned triumphantly, and did another fancy shuffle with the deck of cards. The showoff. Like he needed to impress her further. “So how do we play it?”

This was what they had been doing for the last two weeks. After Steve finished his duties, he would come visit [Y/N] and keep her company for a bit… make sure she was feeling well and entertained. She kept trying to point out that playing cards wasn’t _that_ fun, but then it did mean he would sit very close next to her, on the side of her bed, and their fingers would touch ever so often, and they would talk tirelessly, and his eyes would lingers on hers… trying to read the war tactics on her face. And he seemed to relish in the fact that she was a sore loser, because that meant she became demanding… and wanted some kind of recompensing, usually in the form of his kisses. Something they both definitely hadn’t forgotten about since the first time.

“I don’t want to play anymore,” [Y/N] said, crossing her arms for the hundred time today, after Steve won the second round of a card game she had introduced him to. Infuriating man. Stupid leg.

“Ok.” Steve collected the cards from her bed and placed them on her bedside table while his mouth turned into a lopsided grin at something he was thinking, and her body slackened against the headboard almost instantly. What was he thinking? “What do you want to do then?”

“I don’t know. Not cards.” [Y/N] raised her shoulders, feigning nonchalance, when he sat down next to her again… this time closer to her face. Steve made sure not to rub against her wounded leg as his torso slanted until the tip of his nose brushed against the nape of her neck, and she sucked in her breath in dire anticipation.

“Would you rather I let you win?” Steve murmured and dragged his wetted lips over her skin up to her ear, and she bit her lip.

“No…” [Y/N] breathed.

His long fingers founds its way to her waist, where he rested them, insinuating where this new game could go, and she started heating up in all the right places. “You sure?”

He found her weak spot underneath her earlobe and he flicked his tongue over it. [Y/N] almost moaned out loud, but biting harder on her lip managed to stifle it, then she turned her face towards him, glancing from his wet lips to his darkened blue eyes. “Hm. I’d rather you kiss me.”

Steve’s long lashes fluttered closed, that lopsided grin still not having disappeared, and he pressed their lips together slowly, opening his mouth a little wider… each time their lips brushed over one another until their tongues touched. His kisses weren’t slow then. They were deep and covetous, his hands exploring her sides, his fingers pushing into her skin as they slid closer to the loud thud of heart. He made her [Y/N] so dizzy and eager. Her own hands had gotten lost in his hair by now, messing up his well groomed locks, trying to pull him down harder on her lips… trying to feel more of his slanted body against hers, but despite the passion of his lips and hands… Steve made sure not to take it too far so he wouldn’t hurt her leg. Her damn leg. If they couldn’t do much more with her body, then at least there was his… [Y/N] broke their kiss, gasping for air, then she affected his abdomen with her nails, making him twist underneath her touch, and she bit and broke the skin in his neck gently as he hung his forehead on her shoulder… allowing her exploration. Low gasps falling from his lips. Her fingers found the hem of his skintight shirt and she —

A loud knock on the door to her bedroom made Steve pull away from [Y/N] within nanoseconds. He stood up and combed his fingers through his hair, flattening his locks, trying to put it back in its place. A faint blush was growing on his cheeks, and [Y/N] barely had time to process, still trying to catch her breath, when the door opened… and Wanda stood in the frame.

Wanda’s cheerful smile fell from her face when she noticed what she had walked in on. Fuck. They had been able to keep this under wraps for two weeks.

“Oh… am I interrupting?”

“ _Uhh_ …” [Y/N] cleared her throat, trying to straighten herself against the headboard of her bed again, and glanced from Steve to Wanda. Steve was as red as a fucking tomato by now, and [Y/N] may not have looked like it… but she sure felt hot in the face. “No. Not interrupting.”

“I zought… maybe ve could vatch a movie. Ze others are available too. Zey vant something action-y. You know how zey are.” She rolled her eyes. “Said it vasn’t fair to Steve to be cooped up in your room so much… but zen, I guess, Steve really doesn’t have a problem vith zat after all.”

“Look, Wanda.” Steve finally spoke, his voice surprisingly steadfast… but he looked lost. Like he was searching for his words. “It’s not what it looks like.”

“Really? It _isn’t_?” Wanda quirked her eyebrow, incredulity written all over her face.

[Y/N] gritted her teeth and tried to move off her bed. “Little help?” What better way than to assuage the awkward situation with the reminder of her gunshot wound. Good leg. Steve walked back to her and assisted in getting her out of bed and erect on one leg. “My crutches?” Wanda made them float through the air until they were right in front of [Y/N], and she was able to lean on them. “So you said something about an action movie?”

Wanda’s mouth twisted into a smirk. An evil one. “ _Ze Man from U.N.C.L.E._ — Natasha insists.”

“Oh, Nat’s here?” Steve asked.

“She’s ze one vho suggested it…”

Steve shook his head knowingly and crossed his arms. “Let’s go then.” He let [Y/N] walk next to Wanda, who kept giving her suggestive looks, while he himself kept at a safe distance behind them. [Y/N] knew Wanda would demand an explanation later on. Guess the cat was out of the bag, but here was hoping they could limit the information to one person.

Well, two. _Natasha_. She was definitely keeping them on their toes. She’d probably argue to Steve that they’d have to do a better job at keeping their blossoming relationship a secret—since that was something they both agreed was for the better—in a tower full of agents, heroes and spies. Natasha certainly wasn’t making it easier on them, but it also wasn’t like [Y/N] had the physical means to be stealthier right now. Excuses, she’d say. Natasha’s voice resonated through her head.

 _Anyway_. [Y/N] shrugged it away. Movie time.

Let Steve deal with Natasha.

[Y/N] would have to deal with Wanda.

“Ahh, the sweet aroma of food. It never fails to brighten my day. Can’t believe you’re bothering.“ [Y/N] rolled into the sleek kitchen the next day, where Sam and Steve were busying themselves around the kitchen island. Sam was wearing an apron and stood behind the stove while Steve—who looked as spruce as ever even this early in the morning—was plating the kitchen island. “Where’s the chef? No! The more important question — what’s cooking?” 

“Waffles. Nothing fancy though.”

“Then _why_ are you even trying?”

“Girl, be grateful. Did your mother not teach you manners?” Sam gave her a questioning look, and Steve chuckled.

“Fine.” She beamed, obviously grateful to be spending her morning with her housemates. If it hadn’t been for her wounded leg, they’d all have started their work day by now. Training. Analyzing. Researching. More training. [Y/N] sucked in her breath and pulled herself out of the wheelchair when Steve rushed to her side to help her get seated on one of the two counter stools. “Thanks Steve.” She mumbled when she felt his warm hands linger on her waist. A soft squeeze that had her wanting more, and then he returned to pouring orange juices into glasses. But now she was thoroughly distracted. And frustrated. She sighed, putting her chin in the palm of her hand, as she gave Steve a once-over. Damn her leg. “Thanks Sam.” [Y/N] raised her voice so he would hear. “I’m grateful… even though we have a chef who cooks fancy shit everyday. _So_ grateful. What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. Can’t a guy just be nice to his friends? You should take a lesson.”

“Sam’s birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks,” Steve said with a grin, and Sam raised his arms innocently. 

By the time the waffles were finished, the distinctive sugary scent had lured Bucky into the kitchen too, who took the plate next to [Y/N] and slid it with him to the right side of the counter, where he came to a halt and stretched his body. Though all the vital signs were there—the breathing and flushing—the darkness around his eyes and the careless hair suggested he really wasn’t awake yet. She took some apples from the fruit basket and put two on the left side where Steve had placed two plates, then put the third in front of her plate.

“Hey there, Silent Bob.” Sam said as he placed the last stack of waffles on a platter, and Steve put it in the middle of the kitchen island, then stood to her left and grabbed his utensils. “What’s good today?”

“ _Silent Bob_. Oh God.” [Y/N] snickered, and threw an apple at Bucky. “He means you.”

Bucky caught the apple, the movement automatic and like it barely phased him, then put it next to his plate of waffles. “Oh, uhh, I’m getting a dog.”

That got Sam’s attention… and he walked to his plate, then leaned on the kitchen island, his figure canting towards where Bucky stood on the other side. “We’re getting a dog?”

“No. Just me.”

“Well, that’s disappointing.” Sam straightened himself again, and focused on his food.

“So what spurred this on?” [Y/N] asked, whirling her fork around in the air, then took a bite.

“My therapist recommends it. Part of the healing process, or something.” He mumbled, his vision glued to the waffles he was chopping into smaller pieces.

“Sounds like your therapist knows what they’re talking about,” Sam said.

Steve tilted his head in amusement, then swallowed down a mouthful of orange juice. “Because you recommended it too?”

“Not _just_ because of that, but yes. Sounds about right.“

“What dog are you planning on getting?” [Y/N] asked Bucky.

He shrugged. “I don’t know yet. I’ll see what kind of dog is fitting for me.”

“Well, where are you getting one?” Sam asked.

“Didn’t think that far ahead.“ Bucky stopped cutting the waffles, and rolled the apple from one hand to the other. 

“How about at the shelter?” [Y/N] said, and Bucky peeked at her through his long lashes. “You can rescue a dog. And maybe the dog can rescue you too. An even friendship.”

“Yeah. I like the sound of that.” Bucky nodded thoughtfully.

“Really is a great idea, [Y/N]. Pity I can’t join today. Did you want more waffles?” Steve picked up the platter of waffles and swept it over the kitchen island to where [Y/N] was seated.

“Might as well. Thanks.” [Y/N] impaled a stack of them with her fork, and dumped them on her empty plate. She eyed the maple syrup next to Sam, but he just gave her an unrelenting stare, standing still like a damn statue, so Steve handed it over… and she made sure not to touch his fingers. Too distracting. But her whole face did light up when she made a Jackson Pollock painting of her plate. Clearly, someone was bored at home.

“Steve you’re such a smothering mommy.” Sam squeezed Steve’s shoulder, who didn’t really offer much of a reply. Though his eyes did meet [Y/N]’s for a second. Was Steve trying to gauge her feelings about his behavior? That was cute. A smile played on her lips, one matching Sam’s, and she took another sip of her juice and was about to— 

“You mean daddy.” Bucky interrupted her train of thoughts, and Sam and [Y/N] lightly choked on their drinks. Stunned sputters of confusion and minor amusement from the both of them. “What did I say?”

“Yeah, what did he say?” Steve asked.

Sam raised his eyebrows, suddenly grinning widely, probably coming up with numerous ways to break it to the two men that ‘daddy’ carried more than one connotation in this decade, but she wasn’t ready to have that conversation right now. “Nothing we want to get into at the breakfast table.” [Y/N] cut Sam off before he even had a chance. His eagerness made her suspicious—but was she that curious though, she would more than likely regret knowing—she squinted her eyes at him… which got her even more confused looks from both Steve and Bucky.

“We’ll talk later.” Sam pushed out his chin, and that was enough of an answer to the question she never asked. Too close for comfort. She shook the thought away, and took a mouthful of her maple-syrup-covered waffles. Bananas would be so good with this. “ _Anyway_ , [Y/N], how’s that massage therapist treating you?”

“He’s divine. Magic hands. Magic beans. A speedy road to recovery.”

“That positive, huh?”

“I mean, I could continue complaining about the pain or about how super bored I am at the Tower. Plenty to do around here, but everyone’s busy during the day and it’s kinda hard to do different things when I’ve got this leg that I got to drag around.”

“Yeah, I hear you.” Sam finished his second batch of waffles. “Steve can only s _mother_ you so much.”

[Y/N] simpered. A halfhearted attempt. “Stop. He doesn’t.”

“Yeah, be a better friend, Sam.” Steve turned to Sam, squaring his shoulders.

Sam took a step back, raising his arms playfully. “Oh, shit. It’s like that, huh.” 

“Well, you’re gunning for me first.”

“Now you know what I think?” Sam leaned on the kitchen island, and Steve was still turned towards Sam, his back to [Y/N]. “That you have been extra—”

Bucky sat down on the counter stool next to her, ticking his nails on the dark kitchen island, a habit of his when he felt more restless than normal… one he was able to hide better normally. Something was off. Had been for days now. “You can join me. If you want.”

“Join you?”

“Help me find a dog at the shelter.”

“ _Oh_. Yeah! I’d love that.” She gave him a warm smile. He was reaching out. That was nice. And kind of explained the idiosyncrasy. Normally it was she who reached out to him. Not the other way around. “If you don’t mind the hassle with the wheelchair.”

“No hassle.” Bucky returned the smile, flattened his hand on the kitchen island… then stood up again to finish his breakfast.

And it wasn’t much of a hassle. It really wasn’t with any of her housemates. They could lift her easily from one place to another. Loading in the wheelchair in the back of the car was like holding a feather for them. She was just being polite when she said that. And she was thrilled to be going out of the Tower during the day with someone to keep her company. As usual with Bucky, he started out a bit quiet, he always took some warming up, but once they looked at all the sweet and needy dogs at the shelter, something seemed to click. Bucky was ready for a dog. He was ready to take another step forward, and [Y/N] was proud of him. Though she wouldn’t say that. He didn’t want to hear it. _Men_.

“What about this one?” [Y/N] stopped rolling her wheelchair and pointed at a German shepherd dog, who was staring back enthusiastically. Did they train these dogs to look extra cute, or something? “He looks sweet.”

Bucky just nodded, and crouched in front of the big dog, so they were both at eye-level. He was staring at him, maybe having a mental internal dialogue among each other. Probably not. But they seemed to be hitting it off. The dog hadn’t tried to bite his head off, or anything.

“Kinda old. Like you.” [Y/N] gazed at them, a grin growing on her face.

Bucky snapped his head towards [Y/N]. “I’m not old.”

“But full of life, like you. I can just tell.” She ignored Bucky. “Look at that sweet face.”

“Hmm.”

[Y/N] flipped her wheelchair back around to the shelter worker, who was standing behind them. “So what’s wrong with him?”

“Excuse me?” He said.

“Why was he put in a shelter?” [Y/N] pointed at the dog.

“She.”

“Ok. She.”

“From what I can remember… and this shelter is so full, so I might be off, but I think the dog owners weren’t prepared to do the proper training. Ended up being more than what they expected or could put in. So now she has socialization and obedience issues.”

[Y/N] scrunched up her face. “Some people.”

“So many people.” The shelter worker said regrettably. 

Bucky turned towards them. “I’ll take her.”

It took some paperwork, some vaccinations, and a hell of a lot of patience from Bucky, but two days later big ‘ole Riley was part of a new family. Although she still had some work to do on her compliance and listening skills, she really was a big sweetheart who just craved attention and care. And everyone had accepted her instantly. Even Vision, though he did keep his distance. [Y/N] and Bucky had gone to the pet store on another day to load up on toys, food, and whatever a dog could possibly need. Quite a lot, actually.

“Who’s a good girl?” [Y/N] was seated on the reclining side of the couch, her wounded leg out of the way, and Riley next to her good leg… holding on to the couch with her paws, her tongue out. Bucky was seated next to Riley on the floor, lazily caressing her as he smiled at the attention she was getting from [Y/N]. “Yes, you just want more cookies. Yes, uh-huh, I see you, Riley. I see you.” [Y/N] smiled back at Bucky and brought another snack to Riley’s velvety snout, and she gulped it down immediately. “And I like it. So, so, so very much. Cutie.” [Y/N] swept her hands down Riley’s crest to her back, ruffling up the dark, messy hairs… to make it match her owner’s.

“You’re good with her.” Bucky said, his smile growing, and he hugged Riley for a second then scratched her back. The dog made an appreciative noise, and Bucky lifted his head up to peek at [Y/N] through his lashes, laughing because his dog was so pleased. [Y/N] didn’t see Bucky like this often. If ever. Carefree and… almost content, it seemed. It was disarming to see him this way.

“You think so? I’ve no idea what I’m doing. Just being nice to her.” [Y/N] bent down further, massaging the dog’s back and receiving more happy noises… when Bucky’s warm hand caressed [Y/N]’s fingers. “Oh, I’m sorry.” [Y/N] retracted her fingers, suddenly all too aware of how she was leaning towards Bucky too, then stroked the dog behind her ear.

“It’s exactly what she needs,” Bucky said, tilting his head, glancing down at her fingers, then back in her eyes. “Just someone who’s there. Someone who’s nice.”

“Well, I’m not going anywhere with this leg.” [Y/N] lowered herself slowly on the ground, next to Riley and Bucky. “I meet the requirements.”

“When your leg has healed you can join us for walks, if you want?”

“Mhmm, I want.” Riley came at [Y/N] with her tongue when she said that. “Ok, but no licking though. That’s a hard no, Riley. No licking.” [Y/N] wagged her finger in the air, the dog followed it with her snout, and Bucky sat back on his arms, once again admiring and laughing.

“You seem happy, Buck.” [Y/N] placed her elbow on the couch and rested the side of her head against her hand. “I like it.”

He was trying to mend what was broken by others. It reminded her of when she was younger, after her parents had died so suddenly and everything had changed for her… all she could do was pick up the shattered pieces and try to glue them back together. They lived in a world that was full of wrong, but she had a little bit of guidance then because of S.H.I.E.L.D., and she was grateful. Seeing him now, in a position not too different from hers, she could offer him what she had received too. A nudge to the other side. And he seemed to want it. Otherwise he wouldn’t be here, talking to her. Otherwise he’d be in his room, sheltering himself from people.

But he was here. He was talking to her. He was smiling with her.

“Hmm. Turns out my therapist wasn’t wrong.” Bucky shrugged, his smile disappearing, and he hugged his dog again. “It’s good to focus my mind on Riley. Better than always trying—and failing—to work through the things I’ve done.”

“Were done to you.”

“That too.” Bucky nodded, placing his head on the dog’s back, and looking at [Y/N] with… she didn’t know, but he was opening up to her, and she was not about to disengage. “And I can just talk to her, and she won’t ever look at me differently. Unless she’s hungry and I haven’t fed her yet.” Bucky rubbed her tummy. “But that I can live with.” He smiled again, glancing back at [Y/N], and the blue of his eyes was beaming brightly. He was beaming. Glowing. Yup, he was happy. It was disarming… and quite irresistible. Very different from the usual doom and gloom vibes he gave off. She really was not protesting this change.

“You can always talk to me. I know you’ve your shrink. You’ve Steve. You now have Riley too. But, just, if ever, I’m here. I’m great at keeping a straight face.”

“No. You’re the worst at that.” Bucky laughed, a loud and easy laugh, and she chuckled along with him. Getting a little hot in her face. So, yeah, he wasn’t wrong about that. Seemed like he knew her too. “But I appreciate it. Thanks, [Y/N].”

“Hey guys. Hi Riley.” Steve walked into the communal living room and played a little with the dog too. “What’s all the ruckus about?”

Bucky scooted aside, still peeking at [Y/N] from his long eyelashes, to make more room for Steve as he crouched down on his toes and began to rub Riley’s belly. “Just Riley being a bit of an attention-seeker.”

“Ah, so much like her keeper. Right, Riley?” Steve said.

“Everyone keeps making these ridiculous comparisons between us.” Bucky swept his fingers through his messy locks and raised his shoulders.

“Oh, don’t even bother denying it, Buck.” Steve grinned. “Only makes you look more guilty.”

“Anyway, I should take Riley for a walk.” Bucky hoisted himself up, stretching his body, and [Y/N] averted her eyes to Riley.

“Want company?” Steve asked.

“No, that’s ok.” Bucky moved towards the door, then whistled at Riley, who followed him immediately.“Attagirl.”

“Everything alright?” [Y/N] asked Steve who sat down next to her, after Bucky and Riley had left the room. He seemed a little lost for words.

“Sure, why do you ask?”

“Don’t know. You seem a bit off.”

Steve looked around the living room to make sure they were alone, and when that was confirmed his fingers slowly found its way to hers. His nails skimmed against the side of her fingers until their hands entwined. “Hmm, probably nothing. How about I take you to bed?”

“Only if you make it worth my while.”

“I think I can manage that,” Steve said with a smile and lifted her up by her waist. 


	4. Small Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tension is growing, and [Y/N] seems pretty oblivious.

“Say cheeeeeeese!” Wanda’s voice appeared behind [Y/N] and Steve, and she turned around when a pale white light shined brightly for a snap second accompanied by a faint click. 

[Y/N] blinked twice, raising her arm to cover her eyes. “ _What?_ ”

“Yes, that was perfect.” Wanda was examining the photograph she took on her digital single-lens reflex camera.

“What are you doing?” Steve asked, and smiled as he looked at [Y/N] who had removed her arm from her face only to leave behind a powdery streak on her cheek. She was probably covered in it. Better not to see the photograph Wanda took. Steve wiped the smear off with his thumb, and waited for an answer from Wanda.

“I’m making a photo album for Sam. Just need some photos of the birthday preparations, and some at the party tonight.”

“Oh, I wasn’t ready. Let’s take another one,” Steve said.

Wanda shook her head and turned off her camera. “No, no. Spontaneous photos only.”

“You’re just giving Sam more blackmail material.” [Y/N] grimaced, returning her attention to the bowl with all the cake ingredients. She had added the unsweetened cocoa powder. The baking soda. Vanilla extract. The food coloring. Just some blending left.

“Then maybe he’ll go gentle on me.” Wanda grinned, and [Y/N] rolled her eyes. As if. 

“Can you beat the ingredients?” [Y/N] handed Steve the bowl. “First slow for about two minutes, then you can go faster.”

“Like this?” Steve mixed the ingredients together, the red coloring slowly turning into one unified portion.

“What’s wrong with your arms? Thought you got shot in the leg…” Wanda asked, doing a stand up impression of Sam.

[Y/N] quickly got over the shock, then hopped to the oven and bent down with her good leg to check if the oven was heated enough. “What’s the point of living with Captain America… if I’m not going to make use of his… unremitting muscles?”

“Wow.” Wanda’s mouth opened and she stared at Steve, who was turning a similar color to the batter in the bowl. “How I wish I didn’t know better.”

“We all wish that.” [Y/N] lifted herself in an upright position with some struggle and help from the counter, and deadpanned Wanda. 

Now it was Wanda’s turn to roll her eyes. “Anyone know where Bucky is? I want to catch him in the act.”

“The gym,” Steve said, and sped up the beating movement. Wanda walked off towards the gym, and [Y/N] hobbled back to Steve.

“You alright over there?” Steve asked once she stood next to him again, and dusted some of the flour off her apron and hands.

“Sure. The more I walk, the easier it becomes again. Just sore muscles, is all.” 

“Good. We’ll work on that. How often have you done _this_?” Steve gestured to the bowl.

“Red velvet cake? Just the once.”

“And you’re sure about this?”

[Y/N] leaned towards Steve and looked at the mixture. All red and the right texture. “Yeah, that looks like it’s ready. How hard can it be?” She shrugged. “Otherwise we can always go out and buy a cake… but I’m sure Sam will appreciate the effort more.”

“I think so too.” Steve put down the bowl and mixer on the flour-covered kitchen island. “What’s next?”

“We did the batter. The oven is preheated. So all we need to do is pour the batter in pans, then bake it for about thirty minutes.”

Steve reached for the three pans, and together they got to work. “Seems easy enough.”

Once they put the pans in the oven and washed their hands, [Y/N] removed more ingredients from the fridge so it could cool down to room temperature. She handed some of them to Steve. “The frosting will be more fun. White chocolate buttercream.”

“Hmm, that’ll be sweet.”

“Sam is a sweet tooth.”

“So am I… Thirty minutes?”

[Y/N] grinned and closed the fridge, then turned back to Steve, who was looking at her with a playful smile on his face. “Uh-huh…”

“We can do a lot in thirty minutes…” He lowered his chin, the corner of his mouth quirking up more, and took slow steps towards [Y/N], who leaned against the fridge.

“What do you have in mind?”

Steve glanced towards the open kitchen door, but no one was near them, no one they could hear or see, so he closed the distance between them, and whispered against the shell of her ear… how he exactly wanted to spend the thirty minutes with her. She simpered. It involved [Y/N] working on the sore muscles in her hurt thigh with an explicit promise to make her tense then relax those muscles at least two times.

After Steve had helped [Y/N] with icing her red velvet cake, [Y/N] took her damn time to get prepared for Sam’s birthday party that Tony had prepared later tonight. She might be walking again, but she was still really slow, and her leg so sore, especially when Steve put her through rigorous workouts. She shouldn’t be complaining though. They were all in her benefit. His too, of course.

A sweet, but balmy fragrance wafted through the air. The remnants of [Y/N]’s favorite fruity perfume, the one she had sprayed all over her naked body, was detectable in her bathroom. She put up her hair momentarily to focus on her makeup. Brown, smokey eyes. Ruby red lips. A soft blush on her cheeks and opulent golden shimmers spread over her figure. It was a fancy party. Knowing Tony it would definitely have to be, and she wasn’t going to disappoint. [Y/N] walked towards her bed to pick up her navy blue cocktail dress. A two piece. It was something that —

Repeated forceful knocking on her door instantly pulled [Y/N] out of her relaxed mode. “Hold on.” She yelled, and tottered towards her bathroom to put on her gray bathrobe. When she opened the door to her bedroom, a panic-stricken Bucky stood on the other side. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Riley.” He said, and rushed into her room, not looking at her but looking inside her room. He seemed to be in shambles. His hair uncombed. His eyes red. His shoulders subtly shaking. Dread began to well inside [Y/N]. This couldn’t be good.

“What happened to her?”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know. I-I lost her. And I know she likes you…” His voice trailed off when he pivoted on his heel and walked to [Y/N]’s bathroom without asking. “I can’t find her anywhere. She isn’t here, is she?” His shoulders were slumping when he entered her bedroom again, and [Y/N] prayed she hadn’t left her lingerie out in the open. He probably didn’t notice… well, she hoped. “I need to find her.” Bucky was about to walk out of her bedroom when she placed the palms of her hands against his surging chest, and he finally glanced down at her.

“Oh, ok. Calm down.” The palpitations of his heartbeat were loud, screaming at her, even if his voice was contained. “Sit down. You need to calm down.”

“ _No_ , I need to find her.”

“We will.” She squeezed his arms. Arm. ”Just… sit down first.” She pointed towards her bed, and after a moment’s consideration, Bucky put his hands in his pocket and did as she told.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“Yes, [Y/N]?” A female voice came through in her room.

“Do you know where Riley is?”

“No, miss.” The AI said. Fuck. This was going to be — “But Wanda left a message if Mr. Barnes would ask for Riley.”

“Oh, Wanda?”

“What’s the message?” Bucky stood up immediately, like it would make some sort of difference. He was talking to a voice, not a corporealized being. F.R.I.D.A.Y was not looking at him. Well, technically she was, she saw everything, but… _never mind_. A blue hologram appeared in the middle of [Y/N]’s bedroom, and it turned into a recording of Wanda and Riley. The two had been playing, and she had decided to take her out for a walk, since she was going out to buy some last minute party preps. It was harmless. Bucky sighed, and slumped back down on [Y/N]’s bed. “She should’ve come to me.”

[Y/N] traipsed to her bed, unsure of what she was doing, but wanting to comfort him. He had been so happy. This was such a setback. Fortunately he already seemed to have calmed down. “She should have. She will. Next time.”

“I…” The words on his lips faltered, his eyes averting hers as she neared him.

“I understand,” [Y/N] said, and sat down next to him. His hands curled into fists on his thighs, and she instinctively placed her fingers on top of it. “Riley’s ok. She’s safe.”

“Yeah…”

“Wanda will be home soon. The party’s starting in a couple of hours, and she takes forever to get ready.” [Y/N] squeezed his hand, and he relaxed his fingers, stretching them so the palms of their hands connected. “Want me to call Wanda? Video chat with her? So you can see Riley?”

“No, it’s ok.” Bucky sighed. “I know she’s safe with Wanda. I overreacted.”

“You didn’t.”

“When I couldn’t find her in her usual spots, and then in the unusual spots… I just… I didn’t know _what_ to think.” Bucky sat up straight, no longer slumping, and he glimpsed at [Y/N] underneath his dark lashes. “She’s my responsibility, and I…”

[Y/N] smiled, squeezing his warm hand again, then going up his arm a little to rub it softly, reassuring him that his feelings were valid… that he didn’t overreact. “You’re attached.”

“Very… And that doesn’t happen easily. So when I do get… attached…” Bucky said, his eyes lowering to the movement on his body. Instead of making him feel more comfortable, he seemed to tauten underneath her touch. She let go of him, and his gaze shot back up to her face… then down her figure… down her gray bathrobe. “I, uhh, I disturbed you. I’m sorry.” The words came out, but he remained seated on her bed, not taking his eyes off of her. Somehow… she was the one growing more uncomfortable. She should really put some clothes on.

“No, it’s fine. I was just preparing. Very slowly.”

“You look good.”

[Y/N] grinned. “What, in my robe?”

“Uhh, _yeah_.” He laughed, rubbed the back of his neck, then stood up. “I should go. Still have a shitload to do that I didn’t because I was looking for Riley.” And with that he walked out her room, not giving her another glance.

[Y/N] cocked her head, still smiling, still wondering, and then she got up and ate another one of those magic beans to minimize her pain tonight. She limped to the other side of her bed to pick up her navy blue cocktail dress. Two pieces. A lacy and crystal embellished halter crop top with a satin A-line skirt. It was layered and flared, some frill at the hem, and it ended just below her mid-thigh, barely covering up the bandages. It would have to do. She bought this dress with Wanda months ago, and it was fucking expensive. So she was wearing it — no matter what. No high heels though. Her leg wasn’t ready for that yet.

Another two hours or so had passed, and [Y/N] procrastinated through them with a couple of new episodes of _Black-ish_ and the inane discussions with stupid people and their stupid opinions on the forums of _IMDb_. Her number one form of entertainment on her tablet. She scrolled down the Mindy Kaling message board as she put on her heavy earrings when there was a knock on her door. Before she could say hello, Wanda had opened the bedroom door.

“You ready?” Wanda smiled when [Y/N] got off her chair and walked up to her.

“And starving. You look gorgeous.” She did. She was wearing a strapless lavender cocktail dress with a silver-sparkling bodice. [Y/N] knew it was the right pick for her.

“Zank you. So do you. I love zis shade on you.”

“Mhmm.” [Y/N] beamed. It was her usual color. “Thanks, Wanda. Did you speak to Bucky?”

“Not really, vhy?”

“No reason. Let’s go. Tony better ordered a lot of appetizers.”

“Overabundance is his middle name.” Wanda laughed and looped her arm through [Y/N]’s, then the two made their way to the penthouse level for Sam’s birthday party.

As soon as the doors opened, the booming melodies of music, laughter and chatter carried through the air. Most of the lights were dimmed, but the mirror balls set fire to the room with the different shades of red fluorescence. There was something infernal about it, but in the best sense of the word… however unlikely. Tonight, fire was good.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAM!” Wanda and [Y/N] squealed, trying to make their presence known, since they were standing close to the a subwoofer box.

“Wanda! [Y/N]!” Sam hugged them both. “Where’s my gifts?”

[Y/N] grinned. “On the gift table with the rest of them. You know this.”

“Just making sure you’re a true friend.”

“I’m already fearing vhether this friendship is going to last,” Wanda said. 

“Good riddance!” [Y/N] said, and that got her another hug from Sam… and when his arm came up to her head, all the alarm bells started tinkling. “No, don’t mess up my hair, Sam. I _will_ beat you.”

“Ok. Fine. You get a pass tonight, because you got all dolled up.” Sam let go of her. “You two look stunning.”

[Y/N] squeezed his arm. “And you’re all dashing in your fancy suit. Where’s Reggie?”

“Making smalltalk with Steve and Bucky by the bar,” Sam said, and [Y/N] glanced over her shoulder. Steve and Bucky were both clad in dark and classic suits, looking dapper from head to toe. She didn’t know where to look… or at whom to look. Steve wore a dark blue silk tie to match the color of his suit and contrast the white of his shirt. She wasn’t used to seeing him like this. He was always well-groomed, but never this… elegant. And tight. Of course, even in a suit, his muscles were on full display. She bit her lip. And Bucky, well, if she wasn’t used to Steve, then she certainly wasn’t used to Bucky. Black suit. Black bow tie. White dress shirt. The mess that he was earlier today had completely disappeared. His brown locks were up neatly in a loose bun, highlighting the strong cut of his jaw every time he swallowed. His usual five o’clock shadow gone. And that devil-may-care smile he was sporting… “Suddenly I’m no longer the shit when super soldiers are around,” Sam rolled his eyes, and [Y/N] focused her attention back on him, trying not to flush.

“Aw, please. Reggie loves you.” Wanda beamed.

Sam returned the expression and nodded. “Mhmm. He really does.”

“Vhat did he get you?”

“Ok, so you ready for this? First he went to the —”

“[Y/N]! Look at you. You’ve joined the world of the walking again.” Tony walked up to them with his arms wide open, as if he was going to give them a hug, but they knew better. He was just being extra… everything.

“A while now. You really need to come home more often.”

“Home schmome. I’ve got four. And you know how it is with Pepper. She prefers upstate New York after…” He flourished his fingers in the air, dismissing the events that followed after the Mandarin attack. “Things.”

“Where is Pepper?”

“Hmm.” Tony put his finger to his chin pensively and glanced around the penthouse. “Over there.” He gestured behind them. In the back, next to the grand piano, Pepper, Clint and Laura were chatting while Vision played a song on the piano. Not that anyone could hear. The music was on really loud. Well, over here it was. “Anyway, you two are empty. Let me get a waiter.” Tony dashed off, but it wasn’t in the direction of a waiter.

“I’ll go get us those drinks. What do you want, Wanda?”

“Peach Crush.”

“Sam?” She turned to him, but he shook his head, so with a quick spin on her good leg, she marched—ok, with a minor limp—to the bar where more company awaited her. It had been a long day. “Hey there. Reggie, how are you? I think Sam’s growing a bit impatient.” [Y/N] gestured back to Sam, who looked away at that exact moment.

“He _is_ an impatient man. Thanks!” Reggie said, and walked off. 

“Hi boys.” [Y/N] said to Steve and Bucky.

Steve showed the palm of his hands, his mouth slack-jawed. “Wow.”

“Yeah?” She revelled inwardly in the reaction she was able to extract from Steve. She had wondered how he’d respond to the dress. She really couldn’t believe they were in a place where they, you know, were together romantically. The way she had wanted it to be for so long.

“Yes, definitely.” Steve nodded his head gravely, his eyebrows close to popping off his forehead.

Bucky tilted his head to the side while his eyes slowly came back up to her face. “I think what Steve here is trying to say is that you look beautiful.”

“My ‘wow’ worked.”

“Maybe back in eighth grade.” Bucky gave Steve a playful shove with his hand. “Oh, wait, didn’t work back then either.”

[Y/N]’s mouth fell open, but she shut it quickly when Steve glanced back at her. A wary smile surfaced on his lips, then he changed the subject. “I wasn’t good with girls. But Bucky’s right. You do look beautiful.”

“Thanks.” She moved her fingers over the soft satiny feel of her big skirt. “You two don’t look so bad either. Clean up pretty well.”

“Yeah?” Bucky spoke first.

“Mhmm. I like your hair like that, Buck.” She pointed at the bun that loosely held his long brown locks in its place. “Where’d you get that idea from?”

“Youtube.”

“Ah, the Internet Age. Lucky us.”

“Did you want a drink?” A smile dangled on the corner of his lips as he reached for her hand, which she took after quickly glancing at Steve who remained neutral. Bucky guided her between the two men, leaning on the bar counter now, and Steve stepped back to make more room. “What will it be?”

“Uhh, a Peach Crush for Wanda and, uhh, what are you having?”

“Just water.”

“Oh, and you, Steve?”

“An Old Fashioned.”

“How fitting. And an Old Fashioned for me, please.” [Y/N] told Bucky, who called for a bartender, and she glanced down at her ballerina’s, unexpectedly at a loss for words. That didn’t happen a lot with her. Definitely not when she was around people she was the most comfortable with. Her hand found her wrist and she curled her fingers around it, tapping along to the beat of the music… when she noticed Steve’s finger brushing up against her fingers lightly. She glanced up at him.

“You alright?”

She nodded and let go of her wrist. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

“When is he going to cut the cake? Happen to know?”

“In an hour. Are you hungry?” [Y/N] was glad she wasn’t the only one.

Steve scratched the back of his head, and somehow not messing up his hair. “Very.”

“Me too.” [Y/N] smiled and emitted an audible breath, willing away the awkwardness. “There should be some finger food around here, right? I haven’t seen any yet.”

“Oh, I did. Let me get you some.”

“No, it’s ok. You don’t—” But that was to no avail, because Steve was already striding towards a waiter.

“Where did Steve go to?” Bucky asked. He was still leaning against the counter on one elbow, and his body was fully turned towards her. The glass of water in his hand was brought to his mouth slowly. She looked away when the crystal touched his lips.

“To get some food.”

“Ahh. Alright.”

“Your drinks, sir.” The bartender interrupted.

“Thanks…” [Y/N] took both drinks, putting Wanda’s drink on the counter and holding on to her own. A simple glass. A cherry inside. The golden-brown liquid had a strong scent to it, and she imagined it would taste just the same. Strong, sweet, and comfortable down her throat.

“You look good out of your robe too.”

[Y/N] eyebrows shot up. “Oh, you’re still going with _that_.” She sniggered.

Bucky glanced down at his shoes for a second, his white teeth scraping over his bottom lip, before his smile brightened and he gave her a playful nod. She laughed louder then, shaking her head and unsure of what to say next, then took another sip of her Old Fashioned while he raised his shoulder nonchalantly and put a hand inside the pocket of his pants.

“Where’s Riley?”

“Playing in her room. I put a camera on her collar.” Bucky pulled out his cellphone and showed what life was like through the eyes—or collar—of a dog. Riley was currently very intrigued by the tennis ball next to Bucky’s couch.

“That’s really cute. I hope you’re doing better after what happened earlier to—”

“I wasn’t sure what you wanted, so I grabbed a bit of everything. You should’ve seen the look on the waiter’s face.” Steve chuckled, after he sallied forth to [Y/N] and Bucky. 

“Oh, that’s amazing, Steve. Thank you so much.” [Y/N] put down her drink next to Wanda’s, and began to devour the small plate filled to the edge with appetizers. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you want some too?”

“If you’re offering.” Steve grinned.

“Only because you’re starving too,” [Y/N] simpered and that got her another chuckle from Steve, who took a small bit of food. “Bucky?”

“I’m good,” Bucky said, sipping on his water and his eyes roaming to the drinks on the counter. 

The three of them chatted for a couple of more minutes, making uneasy smalltalk, something she wasn’t used to at all. Why couldn’t they just talk about their day like they normally did? On an everyday basis? Did a party really change that much?

“Vat is taking you so long?” Wanda stomped down right in front of [Y/N]. “I’ve had to listen to Sam and Reggie going on for so long.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Kinda got sidetracked by the food. Here’s your drink.” [Y/N] handed the pink cocktail to Wanda, who sipped on it immediately. A look of intrigue cast over her face.

“You know, I’ve no idea what most of these things are.” Steve took another appetizer.

Bucky raised his shoulder. “So small, so pretentious, that it doesn’t matter.”

Steve scrutinised the presumably salmon and dill pikelet he was holding. “I think it is supposed to matter a lot?”

“Vho do you zink picked zese?” Wanda took a risotto ball from the small plate.

“Not Tony. The man is many grand things—” Steve began.

“Did you mean gaudy?” [Y/N] grinned, taking a sip of her cocktail.

There was a gleam of suggestiveness to Steve’s eyes, though he did not answer her. “ _But_ he is simple about his food.” Steve finished, then ate the pikelet.

“Oh, it’s so sumptuous.” [Y/N] raised her voice, putting on a mocking tone, as she pretended to be one of _those_ people. “And scrumptious.”

Wanda’s forehead was puckered with confusion. “Vat are you talking about?”

“She’s just saying it’s finger-licking good.” Bucky leaned back on the bar counter with both his elbows, his strong figure slanting slightly… edging closer, the twist of his waist towards [Y/N] not going unnoticed.

“Vhy didn’t you just say _that_?”

“No, yes, Wanda.” [Y/N] waved it off. “I was joking about the rich and their pretentious food.”

Wanda nodded curling her lip with displeasure. “Because it is not filling at all? Useless food. Such a vaste.”

“So we’re all saying it was Pepper, right?” [Y/N] asked.

“Probably,” both Steve and Bucky said in unison.

Wanda nodded. “How about some proper food after ze party is done? Order in?”

“Yes!” [Y/N] immediately agreed.

Bucky swung his glass of water from side to side slowly. “Yeah, maybe. I gotta head to the john.”

Just as he headed out, a song came on… its downtempo pulse seductively throbbing until it built to its culmination, and the electronic beat dropped. It was one of the songs that Wanda had listened to obsessively when it first came out, and the way her toe tapped… made it no surprise that she wanted—

“Let’s dance!” Wanda grabbed [Y/N]’s wrist, beaming from ear to ear, and already began to walk towards the dance floor. It wasn’t that full. Some of Sam’s relatives were dancing, but that was it. [Y/N] turned around, peeking back at a smiling Steve until she reached for his hand.

“Oh, but I can’t dance!” He swallowed heavily when she didn’t pay his words any heed, and dragged him right along with herself on to the dance floor. “I can’t dance,” Steve repeated when the three of them stood on the dance floor.

Wanda laughed, and twirled around, already transfixed by the music.

“I suffer. We all suffer. Seems only fair. Especially with the leg. Please, everyone, remember the leg.” [Y/N] nudged Steve, hoping to make him feel more at ease, then swayed slowly from left to right. Fortunately it wasn’t that fast a song.

“How could ve ever forget,” Wanda said, twirling [Y/N] around now with her hand.

[Y/N] grinned and did a weird curtsy with her good leg. “Thank you.” She wasn’t on the dance floor because she was the best dancer either. “Come on, Steve. It’s not that hard,” [Y/N] said to Steve when he was still not moving a muscle. Not dancing was worse than not dancing well, in this case. “Just follow my lead.” [Y/N] took his hands in hers, swinging it from side to side, until his feet finally got a life of their own, and he didn’t need her hands anymore. “Just like that. You’re great!”

“You’re lying.”

“Well, I’m enjoying your company.” She nudged him again with her shoulder, and he spun her around like Wanda had done earlier, even if the twirl was performed without any grace from the both of them… even if she almost fell into his arms. It was still cute. “A lot.” [Y/N]’s gaze traveled back to the bar where she caught Bucky’s eyes. She waved him over, but he shook his head.

“Me too,” Steve said, letting go of [Y/N] and turning to Wanda. “Both of yours.”

“Oh, please.” Wanda rolled her eyes, but then bursted out into laughters when Steve attempted another twirl with her. More graceful this time around. She had two good legs, after all.

“Look at you, all confident.” [Y/N] pursed her lips, pleased to see Steve trying.

“Me making a fool of myself isn’t confidence.” Steve chuckled. “And I can do the twirling around, apparently. Then I don’t have to worry about what step I’m making.”

“Smart. Us girls like it.” Wanda raised her arms in the air, closing her eyes, then swayed to the music herself, whereas [Y/N] wobbled around. All beauty and grace in her navy blue cocktail dress. 

By the time the song had finished, and Steve had pleaded with them to let him return to the bar, or anywhere that wasn’t the dance floor, the girls had finally relented. But when they got back to the bar, none of them could find Bucky. And he always stood out.

 


	5. Attachments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Y/N] struggles when her leg doesn't heal quickly enough, but fortunately both Steve and Bucky are around to help her out...

“Again,” Bucky said, as he shoved her hand down. “Harder.” His next demand, and she sucked in her breath, trying to focus. She repeated the motion. Her clenched hand trying to collide with his chest, but failing. “You can do better than that.” He evaded her easily, and she was starting to pant, her breaths coming in quicker and shorter. Bucky tread closer to her in the gym, coming into her personal space as they sparred. He had been helping her train, helping her get back to where she used to be, before the gunshot. It was… a trial sometimes. Many a time. “Do I really need to resort to Sam’s tactics, and get you pissed?”

“You’re doing a great job at that, Bucky.” She jabbed her first towards his face instead of his chest, and he quickly recuperated by stepping aside, only barely missing the punch. She winked when he faced her again, and his mouth curved into a smile. 

“Good. Then I can step it up.” He took on a defensive stance, his eyes fixated on hers. “You ready?”

[Y/N] exhaled heavily, cracking her neck, then lifted her knuckles in front of her face again, instructing him to continue. Their fists flew through the air, followed by quick blocks and evasions. For now she was focussing on regaining upper body strength and building up her endurance again. Her lunges began to burn slowly and the muscles in her arms grew weary. It really was like she was a rookie now. Sam’s nickname for her no longer pleased her. It forced her to face reality. She had been living life at such a sedate pace for months now, which made trying to pick up the pieces an exasperating experience.

A swing of Bucky’s arm by her face made her tread towards the rear quickly. The air had hissed against her ear. That was how fast his punches were coming now. He really was turning up the heat, so she tried to focus better, but her mind was listening to other signs. Signs of wilt. Signs of pain. Signs of exertion.

Quick and short breaths, and she was no longer throwing any punches. All she could do now was block them. Evade them. Bucky came at her with another hook. Another jab. Pounding on.

She was nearing the walls now. Another step or two backwards, and her back would be immovable against it. No way out. Bucky advanced again, another throw with his flesh arm, never his robotic arm. He was _still_ going easy on her. With some quick thinking she rolled on her side and she managed to get out of his line of attack, but the pain in her leg shot through her body right then and there. She gasped out, a silent scream of pain, her face crunching up, and Bucky dropped himself next to her.

“Are you ok? Your leg?” His hand hovered above her wounded thigh, but he didn’t touch her.

She whimpered a yes, and sat up straight with some effort. She exhaled loudly, puffing slightly, as she tried to adjust to the pain. She just had to get through this. Otherwise she would never be able to get back to where she was. It just hurt so damn much right now. If only she could skip forward already. Her leg had been frustrating her for so long now. Natasha said it would be weeks, but it was close to two months now, and she was running out of patience. What were the disgusting magic beans good for, if they didn’t magically cure her. That was the point, wasn’t it? Tears started to well up in her eyes, a burning sensation growing in her nose, and she covered her face with the palm of her hand. Fuck. She wasn’t about to cry in the gym. Not in front of others. Not with Bucky right there.

“Hey? [Y/N]? What are you doing? Are you ok?”

“Just give me a second.” She mumbled, sniffing to prevent the nasal secretion from running down her nose. This was embarrassing. She felt warmth on her shoulder, then a hesitant squeeze. Bucky was consoling her. She would’ve laughed right now, had she not found it so damn comforting. [Y/N] removed her hand, brushing away a tear that might’ve escaped out of frustration, and she slowly looked at him. His jaw was set, the dark stubble returning slowly since he had shaved for Sam’s birthday party, and he observed her quietly while his warm hand slid to her shoulder blade.

“It just needs some time. Healing takes time. You can’t rush it.”

She laughed then, another tear falling down her cheek, and she wiped it away immediately. How did he know what was going through her mind. Was she that obvious. A smile. He gave her a smile, and she returned it. He gave her understanding. He gave her compassion. It made her all warm inside. She emitted a long and audible breath, sniffing again, and nodding. Bucky was right, of course, but how she wished she could skip to where she was back to normal again. The process was tiring and it seemed endless. Trying to be happy and positive weighed on her, and when challenges like these presented themselves, well… she couldn’t always stay strong. Clearly she couldn’t.

“Come on.” Bucky’s robotic hand reached towards her, she took it, and he helped her stand up slowly, working through the continuous pain in her leg. “You did good today. We should—”

“[Y/N]? What’s the matter?” Steve rushed to her side from the boxing ring he was in with Sam, his hand on her other shoulder, and Bucky let go of her, taking a small step back. “What happened?” Steve looked at Bucky when she didn’t immediately respond.

“It’s her leg. She rolled on it, and it—”

“Her leg? Why are you making her use her leg already? It’s too soon for that. The wound hasn’t even healed yet.”

“I wasn’t. [Y/N] did that. And she can decide for herself what her body is ready for. No need to go soft on her. We wouldn’t be doing her any favors like that.” 

“It’s not about going soft on her. It’s about getting her back on active duty as efficiently and effectively as—”

“Guys! Right here. I’m right here,” She said, and the men shut up, looking at her apologetically. Her voice came out a bit louder than she intended to, but the pain was increasing rapidly, more so than it had in a long time, and she really needed a painkiller. And another damn magic bean. Ugh, a headache was coming up. Again. She leaned on Steve’s arm, the one that was holding on to her shoulder, and lifted her wounded leg, shifting the weight to her other leg, alleviating the pain slightly. Faintly. “I need to take my meds.”

“Can you walk?” Steve asked her softly.

“I can hop.”

“Ok, hold on.” Steve placed her arm over his neck and held on to her waist. “Let’s go. We need to talk later, Buck.”

“Yeah, sure.” [Y/N] heard Bucky mumble, before Steve ushered her back to her bedroom where she digested a painkiller and magic bean with some water. They talked about her training and her frustrations. Steve listened attentively, rubbing her arm every now and then, until she grew quiet again. 

“I’m sorry about earlier.” Steve started then. “I shouldn’t have been talking about you like you weren’t there. I was worried.”

“I know.”

“You should rest. The painkillers will kick in soon… maybe then you can nap. Give your wound the proper time to heal. Remember that it’s mending at an unnatural pace, so don’t push yourself too much. We’ll get you back in good shape in no time.”

“Will you stay with me until the painkillers kick in?”

“Yeah, of course. Just let me text Nat. See if she can take over some things for me.” Stevetapped away on his smartphone, and [Y/N] glanced from her bed to Steve. No way he was going to lie on it like this. “Done.”

“You’re all sweaty.”

“Well, I was training with Sam.”

“Can’t be in my bed like that. Shower?” [Y/N] unzipped her training tank top slowly, observing Steve’s eyes going down with the zipper, and then he nodded his head. She took off the thing entirely, and he followed her lead, undressing too. With a triumphant smirk, she hobbled on her crutches towards the bathroom.

[Y/N] sat down on toilet seat lid slowly, flinching when she tried to stretch her legs, then began to remove the dressing that covered her gunshot wound when Steve kneeled down next to her and did it for her. She sighed, smiling, and brushed her fingers through his soft golden locks… ruffling them up, making them fall to the sides and in front of his face. Steve leaned into her touch and closed his eyes, momentarily halting the actions of his hands.

“That feels good,” he said, and she swept her fingers down to the back of his neck. Steve let out a soft moan, his eyes opening again, and he stared at her intently… the blue of his eyes coming to life with every stroke of her hand. “I’m supposed to make you relax.”

She grinned. “You are.”

Steve raised himself and pecked her on the lips, then finished unwrapping the bandages. The wound was almost closed by now, on both sides according to Steve, but the roll on the floor had made one side look extra sensitive—extra red—and he told her again not to overexert herself. She assented, the piercing ache still reeling through her leg. They stood up, and Steve pulled down her form-fitting training shorts and panties to her feet so she could step out of them, then she unclasped her sports bra while he removed his boxer briefs. They stepped inside the glass shower, and Steve turned on the faucet, assessing when the water was at the right temperature for her wound. She stood behind him, hugging herself, watching Steve’s smooth back, as conditions slowly heated in the shower. 

“Here you go,” Steve said, moving aside, so the warm stream of water could reach her too. The continuous flow cascaded over her shoulders all the way down to her toes. She wetted her face, sighing softly. The warmth prickled around her wounds, but it soothed her everywhere else. She couldn’t shower too long. Not good for the healing process, but besides the long massages… showers helped her relax the best. Steve’s arms clasped around her own, his warm frame plumb against her back… the water running down them both now. “How’s that?”

“ _Hmm_. So good.”

“Can you reach the shower gel?” He asked, and [Y/N] did so. A purple bottle, one from Tony’s humongous gift basket, infused with sweet cherry blossom extracts. Steve squeezed some of it in his hand, rubbing the gel together until the scent became stronger and the consistency foamy, then kneaded it into her skin. With the callouses on Steve’s hand, he added the right amount of pressure she needed. First her neck and shoulders, down her arms and waist, up her stomach and breasts, then carefully down her hips and legs — making sure he avoided her injuries and the sensitive skin around it.

“My turn.” [Y/N] turned around, the water unfortunately wetting her hair in the process, and she soaped up the parts of Steve she could reach with ease. Plenty of parts. Steve laughed deeply when she seemed to focus on specific parts, among others his pectorals and ass, kissing her softly ever so often as her smirk grew and disappeared over and over. “Hmm, you smell so sweet.” She sighed when he brushed his lips over hers again.

“I smell like you.”

“You do.” [Y/N] grinned.

“Here’s hoping no one catches on. Sam’s been throwing so many hints.”

“He has?” [Y/N] wrinkled her nose, and Steve grabbed the faucet to rinse them down. “Just hints? How unlike him.”

“Probably assumes that if it’s true, we’re keeping it quiet for a reason.”

“Hmm. Sensible Sam.”

Steve gave a half-smile, and turned off the shower. They toweled each other down, and headed back to her bed, where [Y/N] put on clean underwear while Steve kept his towel wrapped around his waist. It wasn’t like he had clean clothing in her bedroom. The towel came off when they both found warmth and comfort with one another underneath the thick bed linens. The pain in her leg no longer on her mind.

“What about Bucky? Do you think he knows?” [Y/N] asked once she was wrapped up safely in Steve’s arms.

A soft hum, then Steve swept away some of her dampened hair. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. Seems like him to bring it up if that were the case.”

“Ok.”

Steve frowned, looking away momentarily, as if he was trying to collect his thoughts. She waited. He probably was. “But he’s been weird lately.”

“Weird how?”

“Quieter than usual. Distracted. Moody. Sometimes I feel like a nuisance around him.” Steve admitted with a sigh, and she grasped his hand, bringing it to her mouth for a kiss. He smiled, and pecked her again, his thumb resting on the bottom of her lip.

“Did he say something?”

Steve shook his head, laid down, and pulled [Y/N] further into his arm. “No, not at all… but, I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing. You should talk to him.” [Y/N] pushed herself on her elbow, so she could keep reading the emotions on his face. He showed them to her now, and… well, it meant so much to her that he sought advice and support from her. It meant the world. “You should go do something with Bucky. Something fun.”

“Hmm. I’ve been thinking about taking him to a Mets game.”

“That’s a great idea!”

His blue eyes lit up. “You think so?”

“Mhmm. A good way to bond with him.”

Steve brushed away another lock of her hair, his fingers disappearing into her neck, stroking her there. “I’ll do it then. And, uhh, how have you been?”

“With you around I can’t complain too much.”

“What about what happened earlier today?”

“Just a reflex. Shouldn’t have done that.”

“Ok. I understand.”

“You’ve no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that, Steve. I’ve wanted this for so long. _You._ ” She tapped her fingers on his smooth and warm chest to ensure he knew how special he was to her.

“Really? Why’s that?” Steve tilted his head and gazed into her eyes with his inquisitive blues.

She could feel herself warming up. It was hard to be open and honest with someone. She hadn’t opened up emotionally with a lot of people after her parents had died, after she lost her family. But she had a new family now, and she was involved with the man she had fallen for. She would dare to be a bit braver. “You’re just a great guy. You care so much about others and you always do what you believe is right. I admire that. You… make me feel safe.”

“Ok, come here.” Steve raised his chin and kissed her slowly, sweetly, until her breathing sped up along with her heartbeat. That was when he stopped. “You need to sleep. Rest that leg of yours.”

“What? You really think I’m going to sleep when you’re butt naked next to me?”

He chuckled, shaking his head. She wasn’t sure why he shook it. Was that an answer to her question, or was he simply laughing? “Painkillers kick in yet?” She nodded. “Then I’ll have to—”

“Yes, please.” She insisted, and Steve chuckled again, kissing her harder this time and nudging her back on her pillow.

The days spent with Steve in bed [Y/N] counted as good days. She wasn’t so concerned about speeding up any process then. But the days when she was left to her own devices, it was hard not to overexert herself. When the others were away on ops and public assignments, she worked herself hard in the gym. Not to the point of overkill though. She had seen what happened to her wound when she had gone too far, and it hurt like a motherfucker. No, she wasn’t doing that again. Besides, Steve was her boss. She couldn’t hide her progress from him. But then he also was her boyfriend. And, yeah, she couldn’t hide her progress from him either. Whichever role he had to take one, he was overprotective in it… and he had good reason. The wounds needed to heal… as soon as possible. So no overexertion, she heard Steve’s stern voice in her head as she strolled from the gym to the living room in the Tower. 

When she didn’t find anyone there either, she gathered some intel. “F.R.I.D.A.Y.? Where did everyone run along to?”

“Mr. Wilson didn’t let me know about his whereabouts. Ms. Maximoff should be home soon from her regular walk. Mr. Rogers, Mr. Barnes, and Riley went to a Mets game.” Ah, right. [Y/N] was hungry. A chocolate bar would be so good right now. “But Vision is in the Tower. He’s on the 8th—”

“No, that’s alright. Thanks,” [Y/N] said, grabbing her phone and texting a message to Wanda. They were all caught up with _Jane the Virgin_ , so it was time for a different tv-series. Different, but similar. _Devious Maids_. More intrigue, more dirt, more drama. At least her life was simple. [Y/N] felt a sharp pain shoot through her leg. Fairly simple, she thought, then limped back to her room for her scheduled magic bean, a proper shower, and some procrastination until Wanda was back.

Apparently Wanda had gone to this music store Tony had introduced her to. It was where she got her guitar from. It was where she had met her guitar instructor. A cute guy. And, apparently, it was where she had spent most of her afternoon, trying to fine-tune a new song he had taught her.

“I just need to get zis one chord down, and zen I’ll be able to play the song flawlessly.” Wanda cut the steak on her plate into a bite-sized piece. She was seated across from [Y/N] at the dinner table. Sam was at the head of it, chugging down his beer.

“Will you finally let us hear it when you do?” [Y/N] asked. Wanda was always unforthcoming when it came to her music. She only shared it with an audience when she believed it was good enough.

“Yes, but only zen.”

The corners of [Y/N]’s mouth turned up. “You’re amazing on the guitar, Wanda. I can’t wait.”

“Hmm, you have to say zat.” Wanda pointed at [Y/N] with her fork. “You’re my friend.”

“And I mean it.”

“Ah, look what the cat dragged in.” Sam put down his beer on the table, and the girls turned their heads towards the door. Steve and Bucky sauntered into the dining area. Riley eagerly passed them and went straight towards the table. “How was the ball game? Who won?”

“Mets did,” Bucky said.

“Ah, so it was a blast.”

Steve nodded, all smiles, and removed his new Mets cap. “Yeah, haven’t had this much fun in a while.”

“Vant some dinner?” Wanda asked.

“No, had some hot dogs at the game. Pretty filling.” Bucky came to a halt by the corner of the table whereas Steve walked a little further ahead towards the kitchen island to grab a plate.

“I could eat something though…” Steve said, filling his plate with steak, mash and vegetables. “Smells great.”

“The day you choose not to eat _more_ , ve vill all know you’re an imposter.”

“The man _is_ heavy,” Sam smirked.

Steve chuckled. “You just need to work out harder. You’re slacking, Sam.”

“Puhhhlease. You wanna go?”

“No, I want to eat.”Steve sat down next to Wanda. “Who cooked?”

“The chef,” Sam said, casting a mischievous glance towards [Y/N], who suppressed a comment.

Then Riley jumped up against [Y/N] for attention. So thirsty. But her fingers glided through Riley’s mane nonetheless. [Y/N] turned to Bucky. “So uhh, how was the game? Did you have fun?”

“Mhmm. It was good. Like old times.” Bucky tapped his fingers rhythmically on the corner of the table, keeping his distance, which he stopped abruptly as soon as [Y/N] glanced at his fingers. “Not that we saw ball games often.”

“That’s right,” Steve said with a smile, then took a bite of his food, focusing on how good it tasted.

“Riley have fun too?” [Y/N] rubbed the dog behind her ears, and avoided the eager licks.

“Yeah, her tongue was out the whole time. It was a sight.” A smile overtook Bucky’s face as he seemed to think back to his day spent with Steve and Riley, but it disappeared just as quickly when he caught [Y/N]’s inquisitive gaze. “Anyway, I’m gonna rest.” Bucky turned around, and called for Riley when she didn’t move away from [Y/N]. “Come on, girl. Enough excitement for one day.”

[Y/N] shrugged and continued with her dinner too. It was getting cold after all, and reheated mash was disgusting. Reheated anything potato was not worth living for. What was worth living for, though, was the time spent with her friends. And so [Y/N] sought them out as much as she could whenever they had a free moment to spare. The Tower was always filled with people, hordes of humans walking around on almost every level, but each of them too caught up in their own work and their own world, to really notice one another. To really spend time on one another. In a way, the Tower was like a microcosm of Manhattan. Though outside… there was fresh air… and unpredictable weather. No wonder [Y/N] didn’t venture outside that much.

Deep into the start of the summer, [Y/N] preferred her time spent indoors where there was air-conditioning. And people to shut out, if she needed that too. Ironically. Not right now. Now she wanted to keep them shut in with her.

“Ohhh, what are you two playing? I want to join!” [Y/N] asked Sam and Bucky, who were playing a video game, when she strolled through the living room, technically en route to the kitchen for some snacks, but distractions were welcome.

“You don’t even know yet, and yet you want to join?” Sam smirked, not taking his eyes off the huge television screen.

“Mhmm. So ready to kick your asses one way or another.” [Y/N] stood in front of Sam and Bucky, now actively blocking their view. Well, trying to. “If I can’t do it physically in real life, then I’ll do it physically in virtual life.”

“It’s not that kinda game,” Sam tilted his head to the side, but she just followed the movement.

“Then we’ll make it that kinda game.”

Sam laughed. “Yeah, alright. Sit your ass down then. Let us just finish this round first.”

“Actually,” Bucky said, and put down his controller. “I’m kinda beat. Gonna head back to my room. Also need to give Riley some food.” [Y/N] watched him get up as she took a seat, slowly so she wouldn’t strain her leg. She couldn’t help but feel disappointed… it seemed to have become a pattern with Bucky. A painful one. Whenever she was near, he’d make himself scarce. [Y/N] didn’t know what she did to deserve it.

“Aw, man. I was this close to destroying you.” Sam threw his hands in the air in protest.

Bucky shrugged. “Not that kinda game.”

“Yeah, whatever. Spoilsport.”

“Later.” Bucky closed the door to the living room, and Sam threw Bucky’s controller towards [Y/N]. They played a couple of rounds of _Tekken 7_ , but the fun was sort of gone now. Even when she won. Repeatedly. Her mood was ruined. The spoilsport had successfully spoiled it.


	6. No More!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annoyed with Bucky's attitude, [Y/N] decides to take matters into her own hands.  
> Shit goes down.

No more. [Y/N] had had enough of it. Bucky seemed to be actively avoiding her, and she had no idea what in the world she had done for him to behave like that. Maybe if she just talked to him, one-on-one, maybe then he would open up to her again, like he had done many times when they were alone. At least then he wouldn’t find a way to run away again. She hoped. [Y/N] pulled her thin sleeves down. Why was she wearing sleeves in this weather. It was summer for crying out loud. She would have to switch to something breezier after their talk.

[Y/N] marched to Bucky’s bedroom. It was on the same floor as Steve’s, a couple of floors above her own bedroom, and Bucky seemed to be confined to it most of the days. This would’ve not been far from normal, had he not been avoiding her… And she really missed him. They had spent so much time together the last couple of months, ever since she got her leg injury, but then that had also been when he started behaving differently. Somehow they’d gotten more closer and distant at the same time. And she missed the closeness. His attention. She didn’t want the distance.

“Hey Bucky.” [Y/N] stuck her head inside his room once she got a loud murmur of assent after knocking on his door. He was seated on his couch with one knee up, Riley not too far off, but now already headed her way in a quick sprint, so [Y/N] got in and closed the door.

“Hmm,” Bucky acknowledged her greeting, but he didn’t look at her. His eyes were following the tennis ball that he threw up in the air, then caught again… He knew how to entertain himself, [Y/N] supposed. 

“Oh. Hi Riley. Missed you too. Bucky keeping you all to himself, huh.” [Y/N] played with the dog for a minute, then walked towards Bucky and sat down next to him. “How’ve you been?”

“I’m good,” Bucky said and Riley ran back to them, now eager to dominate the ball again. He threw the ball to the other side of his room, Riley scurried away, messing up everything in her path.

“Yeah? Up to anything exciting other than training? I don’t really see you around the Tower.” [Y/N] leaned her elbow on the headrest.

Bucky finally regarded her then. His hair was down, unkempt like the beard he was growing. His eyes were red and seemingly deprived of sleep. His lips were in a straight thin line, his jaw straining, like he was refraining from speaking. He looked miserable. “Been busy.”

“What with?” [Y/N] smiled, hoping some compassion would work, but he shrugged.

“Riley.” The dog came rushing back, ball in mouth. A win for her. A lose for the ball. She returned it to Bucky. “Missions. Things.”

“Alright…” [Y/N] pressed her lips together, wondering how she could get him to commit to some damn talking. “So I came to find you, because I read that they are doing a new version of that video game you like, uhh, think it’s called _L.A. Noire_? The one where you get to be a detective and solve crimes, set in the 1940s, remember?

Bucky scoffed, and threw the tennis ball away once more. “Of course I remember.”

“Right… so they’re releasing a new version for on the PS4. I thought I’d get it for you. Then you won’t have to get out the PS3 each time just for that game. I was thinking maybe we could go and—”

“Look, I don’t have time for this.” Bucky cut her off, and Riley stood in front of him again with the ball between her fangs.

“What… us… talking?”

Bucky took the ball. “Yes. If you wanna talk so badly to someone why don’t you go find your boyfriend, or talk to one of your many friends.”

“My boyfriend?”

“Steve.”

“Oh… And we aren’t friends?”

Bucky sighed, and threw the ball away. “I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to hang out. Take a hint.”

“ _W-wow_ , fine. I’m out if you’re going to be an asshole.” Feeling entirely humiliated, [Y/N] got up and walked to the door, a confused Riley followed her instead of the ball, but Bucky called Riley back. [Y/N] closed the door with a bang.

Her heart rate had increased as she stormed across the hall. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she made note of the nagging sensations coming from her leg, but she was too worked up to pay attention to it. How fucking dare Bucky talk to her that way. She had done nothing to him. She had been nothing but nice, attentive, and caring. And this was what she got back? Rage flushed up her chest and face, eviscerating the embarrassment and hurt she had felt seconds before. Pushing away the tears that had almost formed in her eyes.

No, she’d rather be angry right now.

Not bothering to knock, she opened Steve’s bedroom door and found him lying on the couch with a tablet on his chest. He was reading something on it, but turned his head to the door, his eyes big and questioning, when she slammed the door to his room as well. [Y/N] took a deep breath then, trying to calm down, while Steve sat up and made room for her immediately. She wasn’t going to take this out on Steve, but what the fuck had just happened?

“Uhh, [Y/N]. You ok?” Steve put the tablet on the small coffee table.

“Mhmm.” [Y/N] sat down next to him, trying not to tense her muscles. Her leg was starting to hurt more. “Just had a minor question.”

“Sure, what is it?” Steve’s hand dropped to her knee, gently rubbing circles with his thumb.

“You told Bucky about us?”

“Oh, yes, I did.” Steve brightened. “We were talking. When we went to the ball game. Bucky was opening up about some stuff, and I felt guilty. You’ve become really important to me. You always were, of course, but it’s different now… isn’t it?”

“Yeah…”

“So I didn’t want there to be secrets between Bucky and me. I didn’t want to hide anything from my best friend. You understand that, right?”

[Y/N] massaged her temples, the pain no longer being confined to her leg, but making way for some hammering in her head. She’d been getting more of these… ever since her damn leg. Fucking incessant headaches. “Sure, yeah, I do.” She tried to ignore the pain, and the pang of guilt that creeped in the pit of her stomach. ”Just wish you would’ve told me about it… beforehand… or, you know, after. At some point. Had to hear it from Bucky. Kinda blindsided me.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned it. That was stupid, but… I didn’t think it would be such a big deal? Not anymore. Nat knows. Wanda knows. Sam suspects.”

“No, it’s not. Not an issue at all. Just, we… we gotta keep the lines of communications open.”

“You’re right. Come here. I’m sorry.” Steve took her free hand, brought it to his mouth for a peck, then scooted closer to find her lips.

“No need to apologize, Steve.” She sighed against his lips. “We’re good.”

“Are _you_ ok?”

“Just… migraine, I think. It’ll pass.”

“Want a massage? I know I’m not as good as _your private masseur_ , but…”

[Y/N] grinned, already turning around so he could get easier access. “Is that jealousy talking?”

“I trust you.” Steve whispered in her ear, after he wrapped her in his arms, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

“Good!” [Y/N] smiled to herself when he rubbed both her temples with one hand while the other rested on her stomach. She wasn’t going to focus on her anger, no. She weaved their fingers together instead. “ _Hmm_ , and your hands are just as magical, Steve.”

“Is it helping?” He asked after a couple of minutes of silence. “Do I need to press harder?”

“… No. This is just what I need.” She squeezed the hand she was holding, slowly forgetting the negativity her body had been holding on to. “What were you doing earlier?”

“Just reading a book.”

“On your tablet? Not an _actual_ book?” She raised her voice, so he’d know she was mocking him. She heard his mouth quirk into a smile.

“There was a sale on Amazon. I couldn’t resist. I’ll buy the physical book if it’s good.”

“Which book?”

Steve took a deep breath, her body moving along with his. Up and down, quite slowly. Soothing. “ _The Fountainhead_. About an architect.”

“Enjoying it?”

“Intriguing. Somewhat philosophical, it seems.”

“Hmm. Will you read to me?”

“And bore you to sleep?” The air tickled against her ear when he chuckled.

“No! Silly.” She nudged him. “Your voice soothes me. Everything about you does, Steve.”

His fingers sank a little deeper into her belly, and he let go of her temples. Instead she felt his soft lips on her cheek, placing small pecks, getting closer to her mouth. She turned her face and obliged him, more than willing. No pecks, but open-mouthed kisses, slow and deep. A new sensation in her chest. Not anger, but something far better. A basic and dire need. For him. The softness of his touch enticing her further. “That’s doing the opposite of soothing me.” [Y/N] murmured when he broke the kiss. “That’s called working me up.” 

“You’re a sweetheart, you know that?” Steve pecked her on the lips again, hers moistened and wanting, and she sighed when she saw him lean back to grab his tablet.

Steve read to her. His voice smooth and resolute. No wonder why he was great at speeches. There was something evocative about the way he spoke. Of course his words mattered too, but his voice reeled people in. His voice made people want to listen. That, and the fact that he was Captain America. Small things made a big thing. He continued reading for about thirty minutes before he started yawning himself, and she had bent to her side on his chest, simultaneously listening to the scenes from the book and the slow, steady thudding of Steve’s heart. One arm was still holding on to her while the other kept the tablet in place on the side of his stomach… but then he yawned once more, and put the tablet down on the floor with a soft thump. Steve put his free arm around her too, enclosing [Y/N] in their little sanctuary… until sleep finally found them both.

She hadn’t thought about Bucky then. Not for a good while. Not after she woke up in the middle of the night, because Steve was carrying her to his bed. Not after they came down from their climax once [Y/N] was fully exhausted and sated. Not even the next morning when she had breakfast with everyone except for Bucky. She refused to think about him or—at the very least—think as little about him as was possible.

And, yeah, she missed him. She missed his happiness. The way he listened to her on end, just gazing at her through his dark lashes. She missed his playfulness. That heedless smile that he sometimes reserved for only her. [Y/N] sighed. Admittedly, every time he wasn’t around, it did hurt a little. The last conversation the two had shared in his bedroom played in her mind again. A broken fucking record.

And Bucky. _Ugh_ , she didn’t want to think about Bucky. And yet, here she was, thinking about that asshole again. There were so many better ways to spend her time, so why did her mind drift back to him? He hadn’t come up to her after his shitty behavior, and she was not going to reach out to him again. Not after he hurt her feelings for no reason.

She thought the conversation had hurt. A slap in the face. But what came next felt like a kick to the gut after he had already pushed her to the ground. Maybe she was overreacting. She probably was. But she had been ignoring him, and he didn’t even fucking notice. He wasn’t around to notice. And then, one random day, she had to hear it from Sam… that Bucky had left to go on a long-term op—a few days at best, but those were all days in which he endangered his life—and he didn’t bother to say goodbye to her. How could he do that? Were they not friends anymore? Did he not care about her anymore? Did he think she didn’t care about him? She would want to wish him goodbye, even if she would’ve been curt and salty about it. He’d be risking his life. He could die. [Y/N]’s wounds were too fresh not to serve as a reminder for all of them, so how could he just up and leave without even so much as saying goodbye.

A kick to the gut. It was the final straw.

No more ignoring. No more making excuses for him. No more pretending like she didn’t care. Oh, she cared, and he was going to know. It didn’t matter if he didn’t want to talk to her. He couldn’t just opt out of a friendship. Not one with her. It didn’t work like that, and she would let him know.

She let everyone know. Everyone who wanted to hear. And also those who didn’t want to hear. Wanda. Sam. Steve. Though she censored herself more with Steve, because that was his best friend, and he didn’t understand why Bucky was behaving this way either. Steve had said he would talk to him, but she nipped that suggestion in the bud immediately. No, she had to deal with Bucky herself. And, oh, Vision. She even vented to Vision, for crying out loud. Rock bottom was not something she was unfamiliar with, apparently. And she blamed Bucky. 

The minute [Y/N] found out that he had returned back to the Tower with an extraction team, [Y/N] trudged through the halls of the building, on her way to the dressing room or the weapon room. She assumed he’d be in one of those upon arriving. She found him in the latter, but he wasn’t alone.

“Yo man.” Sam walked up to Bucky before she had a chance, so she stopped dead in her tracks behind the opened door. She wasn’t going to do this with an audience. She breathed in deeply and tried to render herself invisible, but it didn’t work. _What the fuck?_ Making herself undetectable to the naked eye was child’s play, so why wasn’t her body doing what her mind told her? A pang was gnawing at the back of her head, but she tried again. Inhale. Exhale. Focus. And she was obscured from sight, and she listened to the men in the weapons room. “[Y/N] is looking for you, and she’s pissed.”

“So?” Bucky shrugged and placed his weapons on the table to go through inspection. A semiautomatic, two handguns, two knives, three small explosives. She wondered how many he had gone through on the op.

“No, I’m serious. She’s hella mad. Don’t think I’ve seen her this mad since… well, last time it was directed at me.” Sam scratched the back of his head. “ _What did you do?_ ”

“Nothing?” Bucky said, and she scoffed to herself. Asshole. She wasn’t going to listen to this. [Y/N] marched up to the men.

“No, seriously.” Sam continued. “Tell me and I can help with—”

“Sam. Bucky, there you are.”

“ _What?_ Yes, Wanda! Coming. I’ve got to go.” Sam pretended like Wanda called for him and made himself scarce, closing the door to the weapons room.

“Hi,” Bucky said, still strapping himself from items that made her wonder whether he was overcompensating. She smirked at herself. “What is it?” But the rude tone in his voice snapped her out of her own thoughts.

“We need to talk,” She said, and crossed her arms underneath her chest.

He finished and raised his eyebrows at her. “What about?” 

“You. Your behavior,” She said. “Why are you being mean to me?” It sounded stupid the way it came out of her mouth, but he was pretending like he hadn’t done shit. That was more stupid.

“I’m not.”

“Come on. You’re going out of your way to be a dick to me.” [Y/N] blocked his path when he tried to move past her, and placed her hands on her hips. “You were never this mean before. Not to anyone.”

Bucky sighed. “I’m not mean.”

“What about what you said to me in your room?”

“I didn’t want to talk.” He raised his shoulders, his hands finding his way to the pockets of his black pants. “You weren’t listening.”

“So you think that being a dick was ok?”

“I told you I didn’t want to talk. That was all.”

“Seriously?!” She clenched her jaw. “How about when you left to go on the op without even saying goodbye.”

“Was I supposed to say goodbye?” Bucky raised one arm in the air.

The way he was hedging her was starting to become infuriating. She deserved some god damned honesty, but she chose a softer tone, hoping that would make him more susceptible. “You always used to. What if something had happened to you?”

“I don’t see how me saying goodbye or not has anything to do with that. Besides, it didn’t even occur to me. Not sure why you’re making such a big deal out of this.” 

She gritted her teeth. He wasn’t going to relent. He wasn’t going to talk. “You’re ice cold.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Then you better gain some fucking knowledge soon, because I’m not letting this go, Bucky.”The tension in her jaw was starting to hurt, but she couldn’t seem to relax. Not now.“Do you need me to get a dictionary for you? I think there’s picture ones—”

“ _What_ do you want from me?” Bucky gripped her arms when she blocked his path again, finally showing some fucking emotion, and she held her ground. She wasn’t going to be scared by the likes of him. Not about their friendship. Other things — hell yes, but not this.

“I want you!! I missed my—”

“ _Fuck_ , [Y/N],” Bucky whispered, confusion visible on his face now. No more indifference. At least this was improvement — He let go of her arms and closed the distance between them, his mud-covered chest pressing up against her figure. And the way he gazed at her through his long, dark lashes… in a way she had caught him looking a couple of times before… it immobilized her on the spot. “You don’t know what you do to me, do you?”

“What are you talk—”

Bucky’s vision lowered to her mouth, and her lips parted in realization. It was too late then. Too late, because he was bending down and she no longer knew how to use her limbs. Her was heart banging against her rib cage, desperate to get out. Too late, because his lips brushed hesitantly over hers, giving her time to stop him, but she forgot all reason. Even a simple thing like breathing was suddenly very hard.

Too late. It was too late.

Bucky lingered by her lips, barely touching her, and [Y/N] felt his warm breath dance over her mouth. When her tongue peeked out, it had been an automatic reaction, just her wanting to wet her lips to make sure they felt soft, but she wasn’t the only one who felt the moist glide of her tongue. He did too. And it encouraged him further. Bucky’s fingers were on her waist, then pulled her immobilized figure tauter against his stomach, and he covered his mouth with hers again.

No more hesitance, but a passionate open-mouthed kiss. A sloppy one. The slow insertion of his tongue, warm against hers as it sought out to discover more of her.

And she fucking melted.


	7. The Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shocked to her core, [Y/N] has to deal with the ramifications of what she’s done...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, there might be some beauty errors in this chapter (more so than usual, I mean).  
> Due to life, I did not get a chance to (re-)edit before posting.

She gasped as she melted against his lips, holding on to the armor on his chest, trying to keep herself from falling. Her legs still weren’t working, but now she couldn’t stand anymore either. He held her tighter in his arms, making sure she wouldn’t fall, and his hands snaked down her figure until he curved them over her ass, and squeezed. [Y/N] moaned softly, kissing him harder. The warmth spread from her mouth down to her chest, burning her up with a blazing torch she didn’t know she carried for him.

One she thought she only carried for Steve.

Steve. _Fuck_. That realization finally snapped her back to reality. What the fuck was she doing? [Y/N] pushed Bucky away with whatever force she could muster up. She was kissing another man. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Her boyfriend’s best friend at that. What kind of fucked up person was she? This wasn’t what was supposed to happen!

Bucky barely moved back a step, but they had stopped kissing. They had stopped touching. Both were left standing, gasping, gazing, in utter silence. Bucky had tasted like honey on her lips.She still sensed his warmth on her: sticky and sweet with a tinge of desperation. The torment had been so perceptible as he caressed his tongue against hers. And to be wanted like that… Fuck, it made her feverish.

The thought sickened her to her core. The betrayal.

She betrayed Steve. _How_ could she?

As she still tried to grasp the ramifications of her action, she covered her mouth with her hands. Maybe it was meant to stop the thoughts on her mind from spilling. Dangerous as they were. Maybe she wanted to detect if Bucky had left behind more on her lips than just his sweetness. And he had. The sweet relish she drank in eagerly seconds ago now had a bitter tang.

A shake of her head. A step back. 

But Bucky captured her hand in his. “ _Wait_ , [Y/N].” His voice was rough, but he pleaded with his eyes, red around the rims, those very same eyes that tricked her in the first place. She couldn’t. She really shouldn’t. She shook her head again, her lip quivering, and he dropped her hand. His head not very far off.

And with another backward step, she finally spun around and scuttled to her bedroom, locking the door shut behind her… Her fingers skimmed over her lips again, now cold without his touch. She swallowed, the movement rough on her throat, and stood in front of the mirror in her bathroom. The person standing there… still looked the same, but her skin dragged on her body. What had she done? What was she going to do? She hovered above her sink, her frame drooping, and she tried to breathe through every new question that formed in her mind that she was unable to answer.

She lifted herself again, turned on the faucet and washed her face. The cool water alleviated some of the burning shame that coursed from her cheeks down to her chest, but it didn’t stop the tears from stinging her bleary eyes. She sobbed and dabbed her face dry when a piercing pang punctured the back of her head. Her figure recoiled on top of the sink, her sweaty palms on the white basin, holding on… until she couldn’t see them anymore. She raised her arms… but they, too, were veiled from her sight. Worried, her head flicked towards the mirror…

It was empty. She was invisible. 

There was a vibrating beep that came from the pocket of her jeans that stirred her awake. She rolled around and found herself on her bed. Not behind the sink in her bathroom. How did she end up here? She flung herself up in an upright position, a scalping pain in her head halted her movement as she winced loudly. _Fuck_. What was that? Another beep. [Y/N] removed her smartphone with some struggle. A text message from Steve. God, she hoped Bucky hadn’t told him anything. She unlocked the device.

_“Are you running late? Waiting for you at the gym.”_

Shit, had this much time passed already? She noticed the time. Hours. Hours had passed. Did she fall asleep? She reread the message. [Y/N] wasn’t ready to face him. Not when she was still a mess. She wasn’t sure what would come out the moment she’d see him. She considered different responses, but then she decided to keep it simple. _“Not coming in for training. Sorry.”_

She didn’t have time to put her phone away. The three dots appeared instantly, so she waited anxiously for his answer. Afraid of what he might know. _“Are you sick?”_

 _“Something came up.”_ A sigh of relief.

_“Fine. Next time inform me in advance.”_

_“Won’t happen again, Cap.”_ It really wouldn’t. She wouldn’t let this happen again. The kiss was a fluke. She didn’t know what the fuck it was, but she was caught off guard, and it wasn’t happening again.

_“Ok. Our date still standing for tonight?”_

She hesitated. She wanted to see Steve, but she wasn’t sure if that was smart. Could she get her shit together by then? God, she sure hoped so, because all she wanted right now was his reassurance. His big, broad arms around her… to make her feel safe. _“Yes :)”_

With a sigh, she laid back down on her bed. The pain wouldn’t subside, so she turned to her side and swallowed down a painkiller with some water. Soon enough the pain had diminished, and her thoughts had somewhat quieted… and she was able to drift back into sleep, this time wittingly.

Once she woke up, a few more hours had passed. The discomfort in her head was gone. She rubbed the back of her neck, her figure rolling to her side until she sat up. City lights shone through the thin curtains, and casted a soft glow into her unilluminated bedroom. She groaned. With all the shit she had gone through in the last couple of hours, she had forgotten about her leg. It had more or less healed. Just an itchy and darkened abrasion left to remind her of what she had gone through. She was still on the magic beans to help her through her training, but soon she’d be rid of those too, and return to active duty. That reminded her. Her power. Something was up. She’d have to see a doctor about it as soon as possible.

For now, though, she needed to get ready for her date with Steve.

It was going to be a casual thing. Just dinner, then Steve would show her another view worth admiring. They’d been doing that quite a bit. Discovering parts of Manhattan and other boroughs that [Y/N] hadn’t seen before… or never seen before in its tranquility. That meant it would be hot during the day, but they’d be home after the sun set, so she picked a flowery top and a pair of ripped jeans to wear to make sure she wouldn’t get cold later on. Maybe a spritz of a heady fragrance, and then she’d go down to find him. She hoped he was downstairs. In the kitchen. In the living room. In the library. In his office even. Because she really didn’t want to head up to his bedroom, since Bucky’s room was across from his.

Fortunately for [Y/N], Steve was flipping through a sketchbook with Wanda on the U-shaped sofa while Sam was sprawled on it on the other side, not making much of an effort to partake in the conversation. Just listening. They were talking about a new drawing Wanda had made — Steve was helping her improve her skills, though he insisted he didn’t know that much, she still wanted his guidance.

“Sup?” Sam inclined his head, and made himself more comfortable.

“Hey. Nothing. What about you guys?”

“Chillin’,” Sam placed his arms behind his head. “How did that chat go? With Bucky?”

[Y/N] fidgeted with the hem of her flowery top, her eyes sneaking towards Steve to gauge his reaction. “Went ok. You ready, Steve?”

“Uhh, yeah. Just a second.” He returned Wanda her sketchbook, and stood up. “We’re heading out for dinner.”

“Hmm, where?” Sam asked.

“Black Tap,” Steve said.

Wanda closed her book. “The burger place, right? Vith the fancy milkshakes?”

“That’s the one.”

“Do you guys ever go somewhere else to eat zat’s not burgers?” Wanda rolled her eyes, but [Y/N] knew she was only giving them a hard time for entertainment purposes. Wanda loved burgers.

Sam twisted towards Wanda, his feet falling to the floor. “Why on earth would we do that?”

“Variation.”

“What’s that?” [Y/N] asked, grinning.

Wanda grinned back, then quirked an eyebrow to indicate her criticism. “You know, trying different zings every once in a vhile.”

“Uh-uh, sounds like gibberish to me.” Sam’s face scrunched up in feigned confusion.

“Am I the only one? Steve?” Wanda asked.

“No… but you can’t ever go wrong with burgers.”

“So are you joining us, or what?” [Y/N] asked Wanda and Sam, and Steve’s silent eyes were on her. It was supposed to be a date, but they’d been talking about the restaurant now. It would’ve been rude, had she not invited them along. They were all housemates. And did Sam even know they were dating? Had anyone informed him? Was it still going to be necessary to inform him… Maybe she asked them along with an ulterior motive that wasn’t about being polite. Maybe… [Y/N] didn’t want to be alone with Steve. Not just yet. She didn’t know what she had to do about Bucky, but so far it seemed like he didn’t know about the kiss, and maybe… that was for the best.

“Hell yeah. Don’t need to ask me twice,” Sam said and hoisted himself off the couch, stretching his arms after a presumably long rest. [Y/N] knew all about that.

“Only for the milkshakes.” Wanda got up too. 

A twenty-minute stroll through the crowded streets of New York City, followed by a forty-minute wait in line to enter the restaurant, so by the time they were seated at a dining table booth the conversation had died down, and everyone was engrossed in the menu. Plenty to pick from. Over a dozen of craft burgers with fries on the side, or a salad if buns were too heavy. Sides and snacks. The creative shakes. The local beer. Plenty of variation.

By the time their orders were up and they could finally eat… everyone was starving. The wooden dining table was covered with a big bottle of still water, pints of beer from the Brooklyn Brewery, tall glasses of milkshake, and simple white plates containing the biggest stacks of burgers she’d ever seen — but in the best way possible, this wasn’t about clean eating. Soft buns. Quality meat. Melted American cheese. Frizzled onions. Smoky pulled pork. Truffle mayo. Salsa verde. Fresh guac. Fried pickles. The food tasted as good as it looked. Finger-licking good. And finger-licking was necessary. Down ’n dirty at Black Tap.

“Ah, man. I’m stuffed,” Sam said as he leaned his head against the headrest of the booth, and caressed his belly.

“Maybe learn to share your food better next time.” Wanda nudged him on the side, and Sam groaned.

“Joey doesn’t share food,” he said in an undertone, and Wanda and [Y/N] laughed.

“Pop culture reference?” Steve asked, his arm rubbing against [Y/N]’s who turned his way. He had a lazy half-smile on his face, his eyes curious and twinkling. [Y/N] drew in her breath, admiring the view. Another remarkable one. 

“Mhmm…” Her eyes flickered down to the black cushion they were seated on where Steve was entwining his fingers with hers, underneath the table, obscured from the public. “This tv-show called _Friends_. Very funny. I think you’d like it. About a group of six people living—mostly—together in the City.”

“Oh, kind of like us.” Steve glanced around the table.

[Y/N] nodded. “Yeah, sorta.” 

“And ve’re vith six too,” Wanda said.

“Are we?” [Y/N] tilted her head pensively.

Wanda twirled her finger around the table, pointing at each one of them. “Yeah, us four. Bucky and Vision.”

“Oh, _right_. Vision.” [Y/N] plastered on a smile, trying not to think of Bucky now that he was mentioned again. She had almost forgotten about the kiss… about how he made her feel.

A gasp of astonishment came from Wanda. “You always do zat, [Y/N]!”

“ _What?_ ” [Y/N] lifted her shoulders. “He kinda blends in with the background.”

Sam snorted very loudly, his hand clamping to his stomach again to soothe it. “So, who is who?”

“You’re Joey.” Wanda commented dryly.

“Done. Steve’s Monica.”

[Y/N] laughed. “Agreed.”

“Is that a good thing?” Steve asked.

“Oh, for sure. Monica is great. Bit neurotic though.” [Y/N] squeezed his hand.

“Wanda’s… Oh, this is hard. Wanda is Phoebe?”

“Because ve both play ze guitar?”

“Now you _have_ to learn _Smelly Cat_!”

“I already know it…” Wanda said, and [Y/N] clapped her hands, demanding a performance once they’d be home. Wanda reluctantly agreed.

“And you’re Chandler.” Sam pointed at [Y/N].

She jerked her head, her fingers coming up to her collarbone. “ _How_ am I Chandler?”

Sam looked away, taking that question in for a moment, then rested his elbows on the messy wooden table and glanced back at her with a smirk. “Bad at insults.”

“Uh-uh, I’m great at insults.” [Y/N] shook her head and crossed her arms.

“You say a lot of dumb stuff.”

“ _What?_ You jerk! Shut up!” [Y/N] squinted her eyes, and Steve’s hand crawled up to her thigh, just underneath her healed wound, rubbing his thumb gently over her ripped jeans. It made her feel better right away.

Sam aimed the palm of his hand to her, as if she was making his arguments. “See, bad at insults. Ah! You can’t dance. My birthday party proved it.”

“Wounded leg, jerk! And Joey can’t dance either.”

“Nah, I’ve seen you dance before you got shot too. But bonus points for trying there.” Sam wrinkled his nose, and [Y/N] rolled her eyes. “Aaannnd, you’re dating Monica.” Sam winked, and slumped back against the headrest.

“ _Hmm_. Fine then. I’m Chandler.”

Wanda took a sip of her Cotton Candy milkshake, almost finishing it, then asked: “Vhat about Bucky and Vision? Vho is Ross? Vho is Rachel?” 

Sam bursted out in laughter then agony because of his stomach, and [Y/N] had a hard time too trying to stop her mouth from quirking up into a smile. Wanda posed a great question. Steve just… he smiled, not understanding the context, but certainly not minding it either. She’d watch the show with him. It was important popular culture, and he was interested in that.

“Bucky is definitely Rachel. Vision is Ross. It works. Steve is right. We’re just like _Friends_ ,” Sam said matter-of-factly once he was able to contain himself.

“Bucky does have great hair.” Wanda conceded.

“Exactly my point!” Sam said, nodding his head.

After the bill was paid, and Sam was able to stand on his two feet again, the four of them went in separate ways. Wanda and Sam headed back to the Tower while [Y/N] and Steve continued their stroll through the still busy streets of the City until they reached the Tramway Plaza. It wasn’t very crowded then—not a lot of people who went to Roosevelt Island at sundown—so they got into one of those aerial red trams in no time.

The tram moved slowly through the sky, and the Upper East Side gradually grew more faint until all they saw was an unbroken view of a multitude of towering buildings enclosed by a smoldering rose-gold crown of light.

“This is amazing…” [Y/N] said to Steve with a hushed voice, turning her face towards him to see if he was as enthralled by it as her. He was. Steve only lowered his eyes after he noticed hers. A smile on his lips, a golden glint in his eyes. The sun’s reach was far… and so alluring. His warm breath was a constant in her neck, but he kept some distance between their bodies as he stood behind her. She really wanted to lean back and hold him, have him hold her — after the many emotions she went through today, especially all the guilt, she just wanted to feel secure. Steve did that for her. But… they shouldn’t be affectionate with one another in public. Bad PR, Natasha had insisted with a bored voice.

“A beautiful panoramic view of the City from the sky for the price of a subway fare,” Steve said with a nod, and placed his hand next to hers on the chrome rail.

She glanced at his hand, the same craving returning, then fixed her gaze on the scenery before them. “Do you work for Tramway?”

Steve laughed. “It does sound like a sales pitch, but it’s true.”

The touching didn’t happen until they returned to the Tower, until they were inside of her bedroom. It was strange at first. [Y/N] wasn’t entirely sure where her hunger came from anymore. Was it from the lack of touching of Steve today? She had barely seen him and they hadn’t even kissed until they got back, or was it from the need that arose in her earlier today? The one that woke inside of her when Bucky kissed her.

She wasn’t sure, and it dimmed her arousal a little, but she was finally wrapped in Steve’s protective arms—something she was craving earlier—and she was not ready to stop the way his tongue slid over her lips and into her mouth. Sweet, slow brushes and soft sucks. It made her twist and turn underneath him, her groin pushing against his hardening dick, which only spurred him on. His head disappeared in her neck where he showered her with wet kisses, one hand skating over her collarbone until he reached her breast. A gentle squeeze, and she pushed her groin harder against him, pulling him down with her arms, rubbing herself with his dick. The friction was making her forget about… other things.

When he found a sensitive spot in her neck, she drew in her breath, a choked moan coming out. “Take off your clothes, Steve. I want you inside of me.”

“Yes, ma’am.” His voice was gruff, and she bit her lip, then nudged him off her. A deep chuckle fell from his lips, and he undressed himself without any care or elegance to it. His shoes pushed off by the top of his feet. His shirt thrown to the side. His pants and boxer briefs shoved down together, then he helped take off hers as she worked on her bra.

Their mouths were on each other again, making the other breathless and clamorous. Her palm was around his dick, growing moist every time she squeezed the tip, and his fingers dawdled down to her groin… parting her folds, sinking to her center, and smearing her slick all over his fingers, then drawing the wetness up and around her clit. The circular pressure started out lazily, meandering over her nerves until she craved a precise series of rubs and force that brought her closer to her undoing.

“More, Steve.” [Y/N] said against his lips, dropping her hand to the sheets, her fingers clawing around them, and her back arching… “ _More_.”

With a due diligence she had only seen in Steve, he persisted until pained moans fell from her lips through short puffs of air. Her fatigued figure quivered and she felt Steve release her as pleasure washed from her groin to her chest, breaking any and all cliffs along the way that held her together.

Tears prickled her eyes by the time she opened them up. Tears for many reasons. Steve hovered above her, his gaze full of hunger, and she tugged him prone on her body. There was no time to be wasted. She needed him. He settled himself between her legs, and his dick moved along her folds, then teased the opening of her pussy before he dipped in, then pulled out. In and out. Little by little, he descended into her depth. When his hip bones connected with her skin, she wrapped her legs around his waist to pull Steve further inside of her. This was all she needed. Just Steve. Like rays of the sun that glistered over her willing figure, and caressed her with its warmth. _He_ made her feel safe and loved.

Steve picked up his pace, and dropped his head in her neck, the strain and ache audible in his breaths as he held her tight. Entangled in each other, he filled her up, and she was not letting go. The squeak of bedsprings increased when she met his every thrust, only half rolls of her hips upwards, which was all the movement she could muster up as he draped himself around her…

Their sweaty bodies danced to the beat of a silent drum until Steve flooded her, flowing his love over the brim, and groaned through his breaths next to her ear, possessing every part of her.

Heaving frames lay next to one another, processing the aftermath of their glorious bliss, and the heavy scent of sex was still in the air. At that, [Y/N]’s thoughts drifted back to places it should not. To Bucky. [Y/N] sighed, flipping to her side, when Steve dragged her into his arms again. 

“I’m glad your leg has healed. Felt so good to have them both around my waist like that,” he said, his voice still laced with ardor. “The squeeze of your thighs here…” He touched the curve of her side. “And…”

[Y/N] turned back around. “Me squeezing you _here_ at the same time with my pussy?” She grasped his dick, still wet with their slick, and he sucked in his breath, nodding his admission. The depth of the desire in his eyes lighted her own arousal again, and when Steve kissed her slowly… she let go of his dick and turned completely to wrap her legs around his abdomen, no room left for space. No room left for thinking…

After another string of passion, [Y/N] hauled her overexerted body out of her bed and put on her underwear. She closed the outer curtains, darkness taking over in her bedroom, and glanced back over her shoulders to Steve. There was only a shaded outline of his figure, but she could make out the messy hair. He was terribly handsome when his hair was messy, she thought with another sigh. The blue gleam of her smartphone caught her attention, and she sauntered to the bedside table. Notifications. Numerous mails. A few missed call. And a text… from Bucky.

She unlocked her phone and stared at the word on her screen. _“Hi.”_ Even that one word somehow seemed inappropriate now. After the kiss. Should she still be talking to him? Her eyes drifted back to Steve, and she heard his soft exhalations. How would she avoid talking to Bucky? They lived in the same damn building. They resided on the same floors.

She chewed her bottom lip, tapping her fingers over the keyboard. _“Hi.”_ [Y/N] locked her phone again and was about to return it on her bedside table when she heard Steve’s hoarse voice.

“Are you coming to bed?”

“Yes… Just have to pee first. Don’t want any UTIs.”

She heard him shift on the bed. “Hmm.”

With her smartphone clasped tightly in her hand, she walked to the bathroom and closed the door. Another look at the device told her that he had responded… already. He was awake. She checked the time. It was late. Very late. She opened the message.

_“You ran off. Haven’t heard from you all day…”_

It wasn’t like they were on speaking terms. He ignored the shit out of her, then he kissed her. Why _would_ she talk to him? _“I’ve been busy.”_ She put the phone on her sink and went to the toilet to pee. As she washed her hands, a new message came in. She stared at her phone. What was she doing? She dried her hands… still staring at, but not touching the device. Another message. _Fuck_.

_“I know…” “Just wanna make sure you’re ok. Are you?”_

She bit the inside of her cheek. Of course she wasn’t ok. He kissed her. Her boyfriend’s best friend fucking kissed her. And she kissed him back. She put the phone down. Paced around, then picked the damn thing up again. _“I don’t know.”_

Three dots appeared right after her message was delivered and she waited. She stared at the three dots, and her mind was racing. _“Shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. I was an asshole.”_

No shit. She clenched her jaws. _“You were.”_ She typed without thinking… then added: _“But I understand now.”_ At least, she thought she did. Bucky behaved like an asshole because he wanted to keep her at an arm’s length. And he was succeeding, but she just had to _understand_ what was going on with him. Well, she fucking understood now, alright.

_“Ok. I’m sorry.”_

_“Goodnight, Bucky.”_

_“Night.”_

Maybe they could get past this. He said he was sorry. He didn’t seem to be demanding anything. Only made sure to see if she was ok. Maybe she could really forget about the kiss, [Y/N] thought as she returned to bed. Without meaning to rouse him, she lay down under the covers next to Steve, who drew her into his big, comforting arms and pecked her shoulder blade until she drifted off to sleep from exhaustion…


	8. Back To Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Y/N] tries to keep her distance from Bucky... but when you live in the same building... it’s hard.

_“Gonna be in Seoul for five days. Follow up on a cold case.”_ A message from Bucky. Another one. [Y/N] stared at the words outside of the Combat Simulation Room. She had been avoiding him. Something he must’ve been more than aware of, since spinning around on her heels and walking in the other direction every time she saw was alone with him wasn’t exactly subtle. Instead they had been communicating through texts. _He_ had been communicating. They hadn’t exactly discussed the kiss, and that wasn’t something she would be discussing over text — she wasn’t about to generate traceable evidence, and fortunately he didn’t push. He seemed to understand what her actions and her inactions meant. 

She wasn’t happy about the kiss. And it shouldn’t have happened. 

Yet he chose to text her to let her know he’d be leaving on an op. Again. Seven days in Bavaria before that. Three days in Tegucigalpa before that one. And… yeah, he’d been doing that a lot.Summer had come and gone, and so had that kiss. She wasn’t sure how to feel about any of it… Every time his name showed up in her notifications, her heart skipped a beat. Out of fear? Curiosity? Desire? All the above? But he was letting her know he’d be gone, just in case. Decency, she had contended before the kiss. Could she still maintain that now? [Y/N] chewed her lip and texted him back. _“Ok. Be safe.”_

Dropping all her personal items in one of the small lockers outside of the Combat Simulation Room,  [Y/N] stepped inside. The doors closed behind her, and she walked to the mainframe of this reinforced area and programmed her training session. It was where she—Wanda, and other enhanced beings—could practice and improve their abilities. Hers had been failing on her. Shecouldn’t render herself visible when she had wanted to… that _one_ time, and she had turned invisible against her will. Not once, not twice, but thrice. It hadn’t been like this since she was a teenager when she just discovered her abilities… so what made her regress? 

Were the magic beans playing with her? That was her most logical deduction. So she needed to test how badly she had regressed, and then she’d seek out her doctor. She still hadn’t done that yet. And the self-assessment in the Combat Simulation Room lasted much longer than she had liked it to, but she was pleased to complete it. That also meant she was ready to get back into the field… even if not everything was functioning as it should. She needed to do something. Distract her mind, because she kept thinking of Bucky… 

_“Good flight?”_ She texted later that day when she walked towards the infirmary. Decency? Attentiveness? Or something else? The questions never stopped, and she had to keep telling herself to forget about it, that she loved and wanted to be with Steve, but then why did her thoughts run back to Bucky too? Wasn’t Steve enough? Why wasn’t he? He was everything she wanted, and yet she… the same thoughts… over and over again. She couldn’t stand this.

The vibration in her jeans asked for her attention. She pulled out her smartphone while she waited for the doctor in the consultation room. _“Long. Boring. Yes.”_ Her mouth curved into a smile when she read the last word. She had missed his sense of humor. Dry and—when he wanted—charming.

She tapped her response and caught a glimpse of the doctor. He was returning with her results, but he wasn’t alone. _“How much longer?”_ She pressed enter and shoved her phone in the pocket of her jeans, bending to the side to make it fit, when the doctor and Natasha walked inside. 

“Thank you for waiting,” the doctor said, taking a seat on a stool next to her. Natasha stood next to the doctor, her hands by her sides, one holding on to a phone. [Y/N] made eye contact with Natasha and smiled, but she merely nodded. Business time. Must be serious.

“Your blood results don’t show any anomalies other than the ones you already have.”

“Oh…”

“But you also mentioned headaches…”

“Yes, first it was just the headaches. Then I couldn’t fully control my power. And now I’m also losing time.” [Y/N] the same thing she told him earlier, so Natasha would get the information from her.

“Right, so I’d like to do a CAT scan. Just to be safe.”

“And you’re sure you’re not under more stress lately?”

“Like I told the doctor, yes… I’m sure.” She dragged out her words, trying to keep her face neutral even if her mind was racing. What was Natasha getting at? Her butt vibrated again. Another text. Everyone looked at where the sound came from, but [Y/N] ignored it. It was better to remain mute under Natasha’s watchful eye, who then gave a small nod to the doctor to sign off on further examination. “If that’s all, let’s get this scan over and done with, because I need to be somewhere.” Somewhere not here, she thought and jumped off the reclining chair.

“Are you sure I can put you back on active duty? If you’re not ready yet, then there’s no shame in that.”

“I’m fine, Natasha. You said the magic beans were still in their experimental testing phase. If you’re just going to keep me cooped up, then how would you properly test the effects? What kind of lab rat would I be? Besides, I’m not on them anymore, so it’ll be fine.”

“Ok… but I am putting a monitor on you. To record your vitals.”

“On the job?” Another loud vibration, and [Y/N] tensed up, but this time Natasha and the doctor ignored it.

“Of course, on the job. Wouldn’t want employees to file invasion of privacy suits, because of what they’re up to in the sanctity of their home,” Natasha said with a slick voice, but her words stung. “I expect a well-documented analysis of your symptoms when you’re not on the job.” 

[Y/N] nodded, not sure how to respond to that other than by assenting. After Natasha left the room, and the doctor did the very same thing minutes later to prepare the CAT scan, she reached for her phone. Two messages from _him_. The first was an answer to her question about the travel estimation. _“Couple of hours.”_ The second was… something stupid she didn’t know what to make of. Why was he telling her that? _“Turned on the cloaking system, and the Quinjet passed some military aircrafts… but of course it went unnoticed. Made me think of you.”_ She couldn’t maintain decency if he told her things reminded him of her. Not after a kiss. That wasn’t decent.

She stared at her phone, wondering how to respond to this in a normal and platonic manner. No way to misinterpret and mislead. _“What’s it feel like to be invisible?”_

Then came the scan. Thirty minutes of lying silently in a large, box-like machine with nothing but x-ray tubes and her unwanted thoughts to keep her company. Yeah, she was ready to get back in the field. No matter what the test results said. Once the scan was done, she was free to leave, and… naturally the first thing she did was check her messages. As annoyed as she was with herself, she couldn’t stop herself from doing that.

_“Not that different from being a ghost.”_

That answer did not help at all. Bucky was talking about himself, about how he felt in the world, something they had talked about before, but now… this wasn’t a friendship anymore. Not even an intimate one. This was more. She locked her smartphone and put it away. This was just so fucking wrong.

She really wanted to be angry with Bucky, and solely blame him for what he did to her, for how he forced his unwanted feelings on her… but she kissed him back. He knew it, and she did too. And the way she responded to it. She was pissed with herself. Disappointed. Disgusted at the betrayal. Ashamed. So ashamed that she didn’t only avoid Bucky, but she also avoided Steve if she could. The less she was around Steve, who was everything she ever wanted in a man, the less she was reminded of what a scumbag she was.

It wasn’t an easy feat. She was being weird. She was aware that he could tell that something was bothering her, but he didn’t press her. He never pressed her. Maybe he should have, then maybe she would have told him… and she wouldn’t have to keep all these ugly emotions and thoughts and wants…. locked up inside of herself.

But it was what she deserved. To pay the price of infidelity.

She couldn’t unburden on him. Steve didn’t deserve that. Not for her sake, because she didn’t care enough for his. She would now. It was how she came to her decision not to tell him. She loved Steve, she wanted to be with Steve, and she didn’t want to hurt him further. So she didn’t tell him what happened. It would destroy him. His best friend and his girlfriend. She couldn’t.

Yet there was that nagging voice in her head, one of many, that kept coming at her with questions. The damned questions. Was she really doing right by Steve? Wasn’t she still hiding?

By the time Bucky returned to the Tower, [Y/N] had received the results of her CAT scan. There was a minor inflammation in the back of her head that they would have to keep monitoring, and if she’d get one of her headaches again… she would have to come in for another scan to see if anything changed in that head of hers. That head that allowed her to make many dumb choices. She couldn’t trust herself anymore. [Y/N] kicked her shoe to the side, staring at the camel flats as it skittered to the other side of her room.

With a sigh she forced herself off her bed and plodded to her shoe. She put it on, and left her room to go for celebratory—not burgers, Wanda had insisted—drinks. Natasha had put her back on active duty, like she said she would, and that had gone well. At least one thing that seemed to go well… for now.

“I’m not sure why we’re celebrating this,” [Y/N] said, after the group of Avengers brought a second round of glasses together and clinked them. They were huddled around a small table in a crowded bar, bulky men taking up so much space, but the throng of people allowed her to lean against the wall and into Steve without it coming off as too affectionate to the wandering eye. 

“Come on!” Sam stopped drinking his beer. “Months of listening to you complain about being bored at home, and now you’re back in the field! You successfully completed your solo mission. _I_ need to celebrate this.”

[Y/N] rolled her eyes. She didn’t exactly feel like celebrating herself, certainly not with both Steve and Bucky around. “Let me be, Sam. It’s my party.”

“And you’ll cry if you want to?”

“I certainly want to.”

Sam snorted, picking up his glass again. “Fine by me, rookie. I’m still celebrating you.” Then took a big gulp.

“Why would she cry? Why would you cry?” Wanda asked, nudging Sam and [Y/N] with her shoulders.

“It’s a song.” Steve answered, tapping his fingers on a beer pad that was between him and Bucky. “I’ve known Sam long enough.”

“My man.” Sam showed Steve his fist, so he would bump it. Steve did, albeit reluctantly. It took some insistent gazing from Sam. “So what was it like, being back in the game?”

“Good.”

“Wow. It was ‘good’. Ok. Monosyllabic.”

“What about your powers?” Wanda asked.

[Y/N] sipped on her white wine. The sweet flavor tasting bitter on her lips. “Worked fine, both offense and defense.”

“What about you two, knuckleheads?” Sam focused on Steve and Bucky. “Training all day? You ought to come volunteering with me.”

Steve sighed. “Paperwork. More than you know.”

“I don’t have paperwork,” Bucky said when Sam looked at him expectantly.

Sam leaned back in his chair, his hands gripping the small table. “ _What_ is with you all today?”

“Better question is, what is with today today?” [Y/N] asked.

“You all seem so out of it. And you two!” Sam pointed between Steve and Bucky. “Barely spoken a word since we came here. Eyes up here.” Sam brought his finger in the direction of his eyes. “Not the damn table. Weren’t we here to have fun?”He glanced around the table. Wanda nodded. “ _This_ isn’t fun.”

“Fine. Let’s get shots,” [Y/N] said, and stood up, when Sam was getting a little too close for comfort.

“Oh, thank God. I’ll get them.” Wanda signaled [Y/N] to sit down, but she remained standing… and watched Wanda disappear into the sea of partygoers, wishing she was amongst them. 

“Almost thought you said ‘let’s get shot’, really was going to question your sanity. And shots, that’s not what I meant,” Sam said.

[Y/N] raised her shoulders. “Too bad. It’s happening.”

“I concede.”

“Put up a real struggle there,” Steve shook his head with a smile.

Sam grinned, pleased with himself. [Y/N] took her seat again, and she felt Steve’s hand on the small of her back, twisting under the hem of her shirt. She turned her face towards him, and he inclined his towards her, his eyes fixed on hers and checking in on her. Was she ok, he was asking. She swallowed, wanting to kiss him, but Bucky was right there. And, of course, the rest of the world. She nodded instead, and the palm of his hand brushed over her naked skin, pulling her a little closer to him. She pursed her lips, trying not to show any of the range of emotions that were storming inside of her, and tilted her head to the side. Her eyes landed on Bucky’s for a moment, and he shifted in his chair, avoiding her gaze.

“I’m gonna head back…” Bucky said, after the conversation died down again.

Sam raised his arms. “ _Nooooo_ … Ok.”

“Congrats again, [Y/N].” Bucky stood up, a finger on the table. “See you guys later.”

“So, he’s not going to pay for his drinks?” Sam scooted closer to Steve. “What a mooch.”

[Y/N] grinned, for the first time that night. “He had two glasses of water, Sam.” Him and his stupid jokes. They always worked.

Minutes ensued and Wanda still hadn’t returned, [Y/N] got up to look for her. She found her at the bar, readying herself to pick up five shot glasses filled to the brim with tequila. That was going to burn. [Y/N] paved the way through the crowd so Wanda could carry the shots without spilling them. When they reached the table, Sam and Steve were huddled closer together and seemed to be muttering something to one another. She didn’t ask. They stopped talking the second they noticed her and Wanda, Sam producing a huge smile on his face. So [Y/N] didn’t ask. She was too afraid to.

One shot and two non-alcoholic rounds later, the group had retreated back to their private quarters. Steve was with her. They undressed themselves in silence. [Y/N] secluded herself in the bathroom for a minute to gather her thoughts. Sam had been very close to home. Steve seemed off, and she didn’t know what to make of it, and she wasn’t sure if she dared approach it. It could be nothing… but what if it was related to… the thing she worried about.

With a heavy heart, she dragged herself to bed.

The missions helped. They took her away from the Tower, away from the mess she was in, and it allowed her to focus on completing tasks she was trained to tackle. Retrieve and sanitize intelligence? Done. Infiltrate a target area without being detected and exfiltrate a defector, a refugee, or an operative and their loved ones? Done. Lethal, black ops in extreme situations? Done.

Deal with her personal feelings? _Mission impossible_.

There was only so much dodging that she could do without her behavior being perceived as out of the ordinary, so she showed up for social gatherings… even if that was the last thing on her mind. She had fun, though. Her friends, the little family she had built, always knew how to lift her spirits… but the circumstances were so different now. How something as simple, as two lips coming together as one, could destroy so much. [Y/N] pushed the memory aside while she walked with Steve, and Wanda and Vision closely behind them, into the theatre room. Sizable black and copper couches and reclining chairs occupied one side of the space. On the other side there was a big white screen with Sam in front of it, holding up two DVDs in his hands.

“What’s it going to be?” He asked.

[Y/N] crawled on the supple cuddle couch, right into Steve’s arms who was already recumbent against the fluffy pillows. “I’ve seen them both already, so all good,” she said, and Steve brushed his nose against her cheek. She leaned into the touch, sighing and her fingers entwining with his.

“Wanda?” Sam asked. 

“ _Clueless_ sounds like fun.” Wanda plopped down with a big bowl of popcorn next to her on another cuddle couch. “It’s based on zat Jane Austen book. Right?”

“I don’t know…” Sam shrugged.

“Ve have a really big library up on the eighth floor…”

“I read. Anyway, Wanda’s pick or _my_ pick? Hm. Anyone want to see _I Know What You Did Last Summer_?”

Steve rubbed his thumb over [Y/N]’s wrist, then paid attention to Sam. “What’s that one about again?”

“Slasher movie. Group of friends who have a secret that comes back to haunt them.”

Vision levitated over a reclining chair and lowered himself in it. “Why are we watching these particular movies? I can’t find any commonalities.”

“We’re doing classics from the 90s,” Sam said. “This is why you should join movie nights more often, Vis.” 

“I see.” A pensive look appeared on Vision’s face. “I will go with Wanda. The intricacies of adolescence raise many fascinating issues.”

“… Ok. Noted. Steve?”

“Uhh, I don’t know.”

“Come on, man. Pick _me_. Choose _me_.”

Steve chuckled and assented. “Fine. The slasher movie.”

“My man! Now [Y/N] pick a movie. Align yourself,” Sam said, staring her down.

[Y/N] smirked, shifting in Steve’s embrace. “You’re making this into a big thing.”

“Choose a side.” Sam deadpanned.

“Jeez, fine, the slasher movie then. You happy?”

Sam waggled his eyebrows, victory written all over his face. “ _Ecstatic_. I win. Two to three. Sorry, Wanda.”

Wanda stopped eating her popcorn. “Vait, vhat about Bucky? He could swing my vay.” [Y/N] sighed inwardly at the mention of his name. Couldn’t they just get started with the movie. 

“Then we’d be at an impasse,” Sam said, and crossed his arms.

“His vote matters!”

“ _Allllright_. Anyone gonna get Bucky?” 

Wanda took a handful of popcorn, picking them one by one, and placing them in her mouth. “It’s zo many steps avay.” 

“Whole floors even.” Sam nodded. 

Wanda threw her head back against the headrest, then ate more popcorn. “And standing in the elevator for zo long is such a hassle.” 

“What is going on?” Vision asked as he observed Sam and Wanda. “I could go get him. Without any problems.” 

“ _NO_! Don’t. He vill certainly not come then.” Wanda turned towards Vision, a crimson mark growing on her cheeks. “Hey! [Y/N]. Give him a call or something.”

“And your phone is not working?” 

“Unlike you, I don’t alvays carry my phone vith me.” 

[Y/N] rolled her eyes, but pulled her smartphone from the pocket of her jeans. Wanda wasn’t wrong. She was always on her phone. It was useful. _“Are you coming down for the movie?”_ She typed the message, all too aware of Steve who was sitting behind her and was probably reading along… and reading the messages above it. There wasn’t anything to the messages, but she still felt ashamed. She hit send and placed the device on her stomach, waiting for it to vibrate. 

A couple of minutes later it did. She opened the message, sucking in her breath, hoping Bucky’s reply wouldn’t expose them. _“Not really in the mood to be social right now… maybe next time.”_ She loosened her muscles, not realizing that Steve could probably sense it. 

“He’s not coming,” [Y/N] said to Sam, who no longer felt inclined to wait. He dimmed the lights in theatre room and put on _I Know What You Did Last Summer_. 

“You two are talking again?” Steve asked her five minutes into the slasher movie.

She shifted in his embrace, her eyes not meeting his. “Hm? Sorta…”

“Really? Couldn’t tell.”

“He’s been around with stuff like this.”  [Y/N] meant social gatherings, like the celebratory drinks for her return to active duty, shared meals, and… really, there wasn’t a lot. 

“Yeah, but there’s barely any talking going on.”

“Maybe he’s just tired of socializing.”  [Y/N] put her phone away, hoping to stop talking about Bucky. 

Steve stroked her hair and observed her. “Strange. I thought you two were growing closer. I would’ve liked that.”

”Yeah…” She averted her eyes back to the screen.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to talk to him about it?”

A firm and resounding refusal is what Steve got from her, and that ended the conversation on Bucky. They watched the movie: four friends, drifted apart, returning because of a secret they had in common… and getting slashed to their death one by one. Steve was not a fan. He kept distracting himself from the gory bits. Attention given to her fingers. The subtle exploration of her skin underneath the hem of her shirt. Slight pecks against her jaw. Soft sighs in her neck. It was maddening and reassuring at the same time.

After the movie and the following dinner, Steve was more talkative again. He told [Y/N] about his day. All the small things that had happened that had amused him… and in some cases, annoyed him. She listened with great attention, curled up beneath the blankets while she watched him undress to ready himself for bed too.

Steve removed his watch and put it on the bedside table, next to his phone. “Oh, what also happened… Tony and Pepper were going at it during the meeting today. Think he wanted to decorate his office—the one he’s never in—with some fancy sculpture. An expensive one. Pepper argued it was expensive, that he was never around, and it would take up too much space.”

“Mhmm.”

“You know what he said?” Steve attempted to mimic Tony’s voice, flair and all. “‘I want what I want.’ And that was the end of it.” Steve chuckled to himself in amazement, and stepped out of his jeans. “Sometimes I don’t know how Pepper puts up with him.”

“The things you do for love, huh.”

Steve folded his clothing over [Y/N]’s chair then sauntered to her bed in his dark boxer briefs. “Yeah.” He smiled. “She must love him a lot.”

“Aw, he isn’t that bad… if you’re Pepper, I’m sure.” [Y/N] pulled Steve into her arms, pecking him on the lips, and he pulled the thin blankets over himself. “I mean, pretty sure.”

“Maybe Pepper just likes a man who challenges her.”

“More like drives her mad, but to each their own.”

Steve hovered above her, his blue eyes beaming. “Oh, you don’t want that?”

“If it comes in the form of Tony Stark — _God no_. I can’t handle that.” She grazed her fingers over the nape of his neck into his soft hair. “Besides, you know exactly how and where to drive me to.”

“Is that an innuendo?” Steve tilted his head, and she nodded, biting her lip, which he stopped by pressing their lips together. Warm, sweet, and heartfelt. She almost whimpered when he broke the kiss. She wasn’t ready to stop just yet. “I’m catching on,” he breathed.

She nodded again, her fingers now roaming over his broad shoulders. “You, uhh, you were quiet tonight… during dinner.”

“I’ve got some things on my mind.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Hmm. It’s about Bucky,but maybe not tonight. Tomorrow? It’s late and I’m pretty tired.”

“Really? _You?_ Tired?”

“It happens…” Steve grinned. “But I’m awake enough to show you how much I love you.”

[Y/N] pulled him flush against her chest, tasting him with slow precision. “Show me then.” And he did. In his kisses. Through his strokes. With his patience. Steve was her home… where she felt loved and protected, but the problem was that her home was expanding and falling apart at the same time, because of an intruder.

Since the kiss… the more she tried not to think about Bucky, the more she had to convince herself that there was nothing to her thoughts. They didn’t mean anything. She just thought of him because he had become a close friend over the years and they had connected over work, diversion, and compassion. They just had simple things in common. It didn’t mean much. The louder she told herself that _that_ was all there was to it, that he was simply in her heart as a friend, the quieter her mind reacted to it. As if it was sparing her the truth.

She didn’t want to hear it.

And so every time they were together in the same room again, even if they were accompanied by friends, just like how he was supposed to be a friend, she could hardly meet his gaze… She didn’t dare touch him again, in fear of how she might respond to him this time. An urge that had been slumbering had now woken, and at night she laid restless in her bed… unless Steve had managed to tire her with his love.

Bucky’s kiss left a permanent mark, a lingering sweetness that wrecked everything. And no matter how much she fought it, it was as if there was a thin thread between the three of them, woven together without her even knowing it, that pulled her towards one of them when they were near her, and that could come apart at the seams if she resisted…

As though she was little more than a puppet, wrenched into different directions.

Still she had to resist. She loved Steve. She couldn’t be with Bucky. She was happy with Steve, her heart’s desire. There wasn’t anything that she lacked or felt was missing in their relationship. He made her warm, he made her comfortable, he made her hungry. She loved him… so then why was there still this tug to another?

Cautious, observant and nervous. That was her new mode. She and Steve were in a good place, and she wasn’t about to screw it up further. He had given her his heart. She had lost hers to him a long time ago. That meant something to her. No matter how tight the thread strained.

No matter how much she wanted Bucky.

[Y/N] shook her head at the frustration inside of her and rose to her feet. It used to be so easy with both of them, now everything was a mess. Trying not to wake Steve, she climbed out of the bed and put her underwear and gray robe on. She couldn’t sleep. These thoughts weren’t helping, and her throat was dry. Both things kept her up. On her bare feet, [Y/N] ventured into the lit kitchen.

As if whatever God out there was dead set on worsening her agony, Bucky was seated on a kitchen stool. A glass of water and _The Times_ magazine in front of him. Riley was next to the stool, her body flat on the floor, her tail waggling slowly. He was scanning the magazine with his tired eyes when he saw her. The range of emotions on his face were hard to read, but there were many. Exhaustion and surprise she could make out.

“Can’t sleep?” She kept her tone of voice low and leveled as she walked to the fridge.

Bucky put the magazine down and cleared his throat. “Hmm. You too?”

“Yeah, suddenly have so much energy left now that I’m back on duty.” She removed a big carafe of lemonade and put it on the kitchen island. “You’d think it would be the opposite.”

“Steve not keeping you busy then?” Bucky rubbed his face with his hand as he said it, trying to wake himself up. The words came out neutrally, but she didn’t know what to think.

She turned her back and reached for a glass. “Ehh, not right now.”

“I can see that.”

[Y/N] pointed down, asking redundant questions to change the topic. “Does Riley go everywhere you go?”

“Yes,” Bucky said with a pained smile. “Sometimes she doesn’t understand I need... alone time on the toilet, and she’ll just stand outside of my bathroom door… wailing.”

“Aww, so needy.”

“She is.” Bucky dropped his hand, and that got Riley’s attention. She sat up, and Bucky grazed his fingers over her crest.

Is that another similarity between you two? — She was almost going to ask it, but then thought better of it. It might come off too flirtatious, and that was one direction she wasn’t willing to go. She knew better now. Bucky wanted her. She shouldn’t encourage it. It wasn’t right… to any of them.

“So she’s got some new tricks up her sleeve, right?” [Y/N] said instead, poured herself a glass of lemonade and gulped it down.

“Yeah! Do you wanna see it?”

“Mhmm, impress me.”

Bucky pressed his lips together for a second, but then jumped off the counter stool with a grin. “Hey girl. Come ‘ere.” He bent his knees, and Riley came running. “Alright.” He petted her, and the dog barked. “Wanna show [Y/N] a trick?” Bucky stood straight again, giving her big eyes. “Play dead. Go on. Play dead.” He made a movement, his arms straight in the air, that Riley must’ve recognized, because a moment later she lay down on the ground with her paws up. “Good girl!” He walked to one of the kitchen compartments and pulled out a bag of snacks.

“Shouldn’t overfeed her… or she won’t sleep.”

“Sure, mom.” Bucky beamed and threw Riley a snack. She caught it at once and gobbled it down.

“Just saying.”

“Ok, girl. Spin around.” He twirled his finger in the air, wide enough for Riley to understand the motion. “Yes, come on. Spin. Ahhh, such a good girl. Here you go.” He gave Riley a hug, then gestured [Y/N] to near them. “One more.” [Y/N] put her finished glass of lemonade back on the kitchen island and kneeled down next to them. “Give [Y/N] a kiss. Kiss.”

“What!! No. No licking!! Hard no.” [Y/N] backed away on her hands, but the dog jumped on top of her, pushing her on her side, and she covered her face with her arms. Bucky grabbed Riley,moving her away, stroking her further. The dog was confused, but she got another cookie, so she lay down content. And [Y/N] sat up, leaning back on the palms of her hands, laughing.

“You jerk.”

Bucky grinned. “Couldn’t resist.”

“Not you, Riley. You’re still sweet, but you need to listen less to Bucky and more to me. Got it?” Riley woofed as if she understood, and [Y/N] scratched her behind her ear. The dog turned around, now flat on her back, paws up, ready for a rubdown — apparently snacks weren’t enough for this one. Her fingers roamed through the thick fur of the dog, caressing the dogs belly, when she accidentally touched Bucky. They both pulled away; his hand to one side of Riley’s belly and [Y/N]’s hand to the other side.

“So how quickly is she picking up the commands?” [Y/N] asked, diverting her attention away from the tension.

“A couple of days. She’s been doing so much better than when I got her. She’s really come into her own.”

“And what about you? You’ve been away a lot on ops? Don’t you miss Riley?”

Bucky sighed loudly and his figure slackened on the tiles. “Like crazy. I wish I could take her with me.”

“Maybe on public assignments.”

“I don’t do public…”

[Y/N] wrinkled her nose. “Right… Poor Riley. Luckily Wanda’s a real teddy bear. Needs a lot of loving too.”

Bucky clung on to Riley. “And you?”

“Yeah, she gets plenty of attention from me.”

“I can tell. She’s attached.”

“So she should know better and listen to _me_ over you.”

Bucky laughed, the sound of his careless happiness filling the kitchen, until they fell into a comfortable silence… The ease didn’t last long though. She peered into his eyes too long, fuzziness building the pit of her stomach, then she made the mistake of glimpsing at his lips. Of course he caught it, no matter how brief. She cleared her throat, about the retract her hand out of Riley’s thick fur when Bucky slid his fingers over hers.

“ _Don’t_. We can’t do this to Steve.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Bucky frowned, but didn’t let go of her hand. The carelessness she saw earlier was gone. “I know it all too well. He’s my best pal. Yet I can’t stop thinking about his girl. All the damn things that go through my mind. It… haunts me that those thoughts are there.”

“Bucky…”

“You should leave… before I speak my mind.”

Bucky had warned her, but her legs were unwilling to move. She knew better, but they needed to address this, air their feelings, in order to deal with them… That’s what she told herself, but she also wanted to know for herself. She couldn’t talk about this with anyone else. Just him. “What is it?” The words were murmured, a certain thickness to them and hard to hear, but they had come out. She closed her eyes, stilling the sting of tears because she failed herself again, she failed Steve again. 

“I can’t stop thinking about what’s…” He rubbed his thumb over the tops of her fingers, one by one, and her heart started throbbing wildly in her throat. “Twisted shit, like whether you think about me when you’re with him. How you twist and turn underneath him… and how you’d twist and turn underneath me. What noises I’d be able to pull outta you. Whether I’d be able to please you like he does.”

She gulped, and it burned. “You would…” Fuck, what was she saying? She shut herself up immediately. It wrecked her to hear him say those things. He shouldn’t have. And she shouldn’t have given him that answer. _Affection_. Nestled deep within her heart, and Bucky extracted it from every damn time.

“Then why are you still with him…” Bucky mumbled. It wasn’t a question. More like an accusation.

She pulled back her hand. “I… Bucky, I _love_ him.”

“Of course you love him... but you kissed me back. You kissed me back.” Bucky hoisted himself up, his fingers in his hair, his face hardening. “At least tell me I’m not alone in this. I’m not reading it wrong, am I? You’re in it with me, aren’t you?”

She massaged her temples, an ache building. “You’re... not in this alone,“ [Y/N] said in a whisper, willing to admit that. “But I would never leave Steve for you, Bucky. Did you think about what that would do to him? To your friendship? To me?”

“It’s all I think about. And I hate myself for thinking this awful shit. I’m a terrible friend. I-I hate you for making me feel this way. I even hate Steve for being with you. I don’t know how to get past this. I thought I was finally getting better… moving forward, but this…” Sadness clouded his features as he faced her again, but she remained quiet. She didn’t know either. “Taking on more ops helps, but they’re never long enough. And when I get back home, you’re here…and this fuckery is still inside of me. And I can’t leave Steve’s side, not again — too much has happened.”

Too much had happened. That was the problem. She nodded in assent, thinking how they could put the pieces back together to make everything fit again.

Bucky looked heavenward, sighing, shaking his head. “I know we can’t be anything more... but I needed you to know… that… _you know_.”

“I know… You’re not alone.” She stood up too, making sure there was enough distance between them to say the words she didn’t want to say. The only way forward she saw for now… “Maybe you should date other people?”

“Date?”

“… Maybe that’ll help… us both.”

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll think about it.” Bucky creased his brows, and dragged his feet out of the kitchen. Riley not too far behind. [Y/N] hunched over the kitchen island, her hands flat on the cold quartz and her face hidden behind her arms. She didn’t know what she was doing anymore.

Affection or anguish. They weren’t far apart.

Desire, despair, desire. Her thoughts were failing her.

Words held no more meaning. It all felt the same.

And none of it was good.


	9. What's going on?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve isn't stupid. All Hell breaks loose.

“What about this one? Looks good.” [Y/N] nuzzled further into Steve’s neck, who instinctively wrapped his arm tighter around her, and she showed him the recipe on his tablet. 

“Hmm, roast chicken?” Steve took the tablet and examined the pictures one by one. 

“Yes, and there’s potatoes and carrots. Veggies.” She sighed, and pecked him behind his ear. “With Jamie Oliver you can always expect veggies.” 

“Good. I like vegetables.” Steve returned his tablet to her, and she scrolled down to read the recipe. 

“I know you do.” [Y/N] said with a grin, which got her a kiss from Steve. “And it’s super simple. Something we should be able to manage.”

“Ok, sweetheart. Roast chicken it is. We should head out to do some grocery shopping soon. How much time does the cooking take?” 

“Uhh…” [Y/N] scrolled back up while Steve stroked her thigh. “about two hours, but… more than an hour in the oven.” 

“Then we should leave in, uhh, an hour.”

“Ok.” She bookmarked the recipe, and leaned forward again for another kiss, but Steve had this look on his face. A serious one. It stopped her movement.

“There’s actually something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.” The strokes on her thigh stopped. “It’s about Bucky.” 

[Y/N] stiffened at the name, and she could feel the tension settling in the pit of her stomach, but she pushed it away. She removed her legs from Steve’s lap and put the tablet on the coffee table, creating distance between them. “What about him?” 

“He’s been behaving strangely again. I don’t know what to make of it.” 

“I thought things were going well?” [Y/N] curled up on the couch again. 

“Yeah, it was for a while, but now he seems distant again. I try to help him as best as I can. I try to be there for him, but… Buck’s not letting me in. I don’t know what to do.” 

With a deep sigh she glanced away. There was a reason for that. Bucky couldn’t let Steve in, just like she couldn’t let anyone else in either. They were in this alone. Together, but alone… “Maybe… just give him time. Maybe he needs time? He has things to deal with, but he seems to be dealing…”

“Does he?… I wouldn’t know.” Steve leaned back and sighed too. He seemed more frustrated than before. It was really bothering him. “Has he… has he said anything to you about it? Just so I know that he’s ok.”

Her heart was stumbling over its own rhythm, and the palpitations moved up to her throat as Steve’s questions kept coming. His voice wasn’t loud, but he might as well have been screaming at her. It was all she heard, over and over again in her mind. She swallowed, her mouth had gone dry… because she didn’t know what to say to him. “I think you should ask him, Steve. Just ask him if he’s ok. Bucky knows you’re there for him. If you want to talk about —”

“So something _is_ going on?” 

“I didn’t say that.” [Y/N]’s stomach shriveled, hot flashes going up to her face. 

“You know, you’ve been just as evasive as him.” 

“Have I?” 

“Yeah… is there something you need to tell me?” 

The more Steve persisted, the louder his words became in her mind. There was a stabbing pain at the back of her head, pins and needles, jabbing away as he got closer to the truth, and she couldn’t hide from it. “W-Why would you say that?” 

“I don’t know. You’re just being very strange… every time I bring up Bucky. Did he… did he say something? Do something? Was he a jerk again?” 

There was a burn going up her nose and soon it would reach her eyes, but she kept her features composed. Even now Steve assumed the complication was Bucky. Just Bucky not being able to adjust. But it was her. She was the problem. Her chest grew so tight that her breathing sped up, and suddenly she was unable to control it. “God. Can we just _not_ talk about him? I don’t want to talk about it.” Pain pierced through her head again, and she cringed, almost wheezing. [Y/N] glanced down and saw her hands disappear in front of her. Fuck. _Not this. Not now._ She thought she was fine. She had been fine on her missions. Not now. Not here. 

“It? What’s _it_?” 

“I-I have to go.” Overwhelmed, she got up and darted to Steve’s door. 

Steve stood up too, taking long strides towards her, but she had already run out. “Wait, are you ok? What’s happening to you?”

“I’m fine. I just need to be alone.” [Y/N] yelled as she walked down the hallway to the staircase and turned completely invisible. 

“What the hell?” She heard his murmur as the door to the staircase closed behind her. Her legs were heavy, but she couldn’t stop now. Tears burgeoned in her eyes, blurring her vision, but she kept running. She took the stairs up, rather than down, in case Steve would try to find her, and ended up in the gym. 

Panting through her mouth, [Y/N] glanced around the area and found no one. But soon enough someone might enter, so she walked up the stairs in the gym to the upper part that was mostly unused. Treadmills and yoga mats. The male Avengers preferred weight-lifting, boxing, and sparring. She’d be safe here. For now. By the time her mind was able to consider herself safe, her face had grown haggard with worry. She could feel the way the muscles in her body were tautening with tension. 

She was so tired of living in her head, reliving the moments she should’ve never shared with Bucky, and reproaching herself for how she treated Steve. He deserved so much better. Someone who wanted just him. Someone who didn’t—for some inexplicable reason—also want his best friend. But there was no one to talk to, so [Y/N] remained in her head. Alone. Afraid. Ashamed. They would judge her. They would hate. Like she did herself. They would look at her differently. Like she did. She glanced at herself again; if only she could see. Why couldn’t she see? Why did she disappear? 

After years of being the only one who could do what she could do, who could render herself invisible, sometimes willingly, most of the times involuntarily… she had found her home, she had rebuild a family, and she had mastered her abilities. She finally saw them as powers, not an aberration. Against all odds, she had found purpose, she found loved ones, she was happy. 

It ended today. She knew it did. In a way, it ended the day Bucky kissed her, but today she would no longer be able to run away from the ramifications. She slumped down the wall. Today she would have to face the consequences, and she didn’t know if she could. And the worst part was that there was no one to blame. Just her. 

Curling up into a foetal position against the wall, she covered her face between her arms on her knees. Was she breaking? Was she losing herself? Was she? She couldn’t hold it in any longer, and the tears rolled down her cheeks, accompanied by the soft sobs of heartache. 

She realized her tears had stopped falling when she heard someone enter the gym. The dried up teardrops had made her face dull and hard. She must’ve lost consciousness again, because gaps were missing in her memory. She wriggled herself up against the windows to look at the floor beneath her. To see who was making the noise. It was Steve. She ducked for cover. Was he looking for her? It took her moments to register that she could see herself too. [Y/N] removed her phone and handkerchief from her pockets. She blew her nose as softly as she could, then looked at the time. Hours had passed. Not again. She had indeed blacked out. Surely Steve wasn’t looking for her if hours had passed… [Y/N] crawled back to the wall when the door to the upper gym area opened. _Fuck._  

“Zere you are.” Wanda kneeled down in front of [Y/N], and she let out a sigh of relief. “Vat is going on?”

“W-What are you doing here?” [Y/N] whispered, the sounds of knuckles hitting a punching bag coming through loudly. 

“Your mind vas _very_ loud… zen it vent silent. Unnaturally silent. I vas vorried. Vat is wrong?” Wanda placed her hands on [Y/N]’s knees, her eyes full of concern, and it made [Y/N] break down once more. She told her. She told her everything. About Bucky. Steve. Her powers. Murmured confessions. And Wanda listened in silence, not once interrupting her. Her face was unreadable, and [Y/N] cowered at the thought of how she was judging her. Rightfully so… but that didn’t make it any less painful, any less shameful. 

Steve was hitting the punching bag on the floor below them like his life depended on it, andassumedly unaware of their presence. With every forceful smack that he landed on the punching bag, her head ache returned. He might as well have been punching her head. He may very well be imaging doing so, she thought as she furrowed her eyebrows together. 

Finally Wanda broke her silence, blinking excessively. “I don’t zink I understand. You love zem both?” 

“I think I do.” 

“How?” 

That was the question she’d been trying to figure out for so long, wasn’t it? It was why she couldn’t let go of either one of them, because her heart longed for the both of them. Her mind told her many things, _awful_ things, but that didn’t stop her damn heart from feeling. “I don’t know…” 

“You should really talk to —” Wanda stopped mid sentence once she realized that Steve had stopped throwing punches, because someone else had entered the gym. She pointed. “Bucky is with Steve.” 

“Hold on.” [Y/N] creeped up the window again, making sure—invoking on whatever entity out there who had so far not made her life easier—she would not be seen. “ _Shit_.” 

“Vat is happening?” Wanda joined her. 

“ _Shhhh_.” [Y/N] opened the window without making a noise and tried to listen in on Steve and Bucky, who seemed to be in an intense conversation. 

Steve had his back to the upper windows, but his arms were crossed and he stood in front of Bucky, who was focused on a punching bag. “Buck, answer the question…” 

“What is going on with me? You’re gonna have to be more specific.” Bucky puffed through his lips, and blew repetitive upper cuts at a punching bag. 

“You and [Y/N].” 

“Nothing. Why are we talking about this again?” 

The tension in Steve’s shoulders pulled tight. “Then how do you explain everything that’s happened?” 

“What has happened exactly?” 

“You two are close, yes? I know this for a fact. I can see it. And I was really happy about it, Buck. At first because that meant you were stepping out of your comfort zone and making more friends again. Then eventually, because I wanted my best pal and girl to get along.” 

“Sure…” Bucky landed straight shots, forcing the punching bag further and further away from him.

“So what happened in between? Why have you two been so hot and cold over the last couple of months? And nowadays? She’s visibly uncomfortable around you.”

“What are you talk—” 

Steve put a hand on the punching bag, and Bucky lowered his arms, his hands still fisted, as he gathered his breath. “You think that just because I didn’t say anything, I don’t see it?”

“No, you are a little shit like that. But I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You don’t? Really?” 

“Not a clue.” Bucky pressed his lips together, and his eyes focused on the punching bag again rather than Steve. He hurled quick jabs at the thing as it strained against its shackles. 

“Fine, if that’s how you’re going to be about it.” 

“Not sure how else you want me to be, Steve.”

“I want you to be honest with me. What’s going on with you?” 

Bucky let out an exasperated sigh. “I told you already. Not sure why you keep going on about [Y/N] and me. You do know I’m actually seeing people, right? I’m getting out there. Playing the field. Connecting to people. You were proud of—”

“Is that it? Are you in love with her?” Steve asked, and that shut Bucky up. He remained silent, looking down. “Bucky, are you?”

“Christ, Steve. Why can’t you let shit go. What do you want me to say?”

“The damn truth, Bucky.” 

“Yes, _alright_. Yes. I-I am. I couldn’t exactly tell you that, could I?” Bucky dragged his fingers through his hair, barely able to look Steve in the eye. “Aren’t you gonna say something? Chew me out?” 

“How long?” 

“A while.” 

“ _How_ long?” 

“I don’t know. Before you two got together… but I couldn’t face my feelings then. Hardly can now. I’m sorry, Steve. I’m a shit friend. Chew me out, won’t ya?” Steve dropped his arms to his sides, and Bucky held in his breath… but then Steve pivoted on his heels, and left the gym. “ _Fuck_.” 

Glued to the floor by what she just saw play out one level below her, [Y/N] felt the same headache return. She knew she was going to disappear. Each time it happened like this. The lump in her throat had been there since she saw Steve and Bucky talking, and now it seemed to be suffocating her. Gone were her fleeting illusions of security. Gone was what she once had with Steve. It was all gone. 

“Oh, no! Vhy are you turning invisible?” Wanda asked. 

Edged with tension, her voice came out cracked and tight. “I don’t know what to do…” She trembled and blinked inordinately, willing away the revival of her tears. Round two. But then came the beeping sound of her phone. 

A message from Bucky. She tumbled against the window. “He knows.” [Y/N] snorted in disbelief. What a cryptic message. If she hadn’t overheard the conversation then she would’ve invented way worse scenarios, but… it didn’t matter. They all would’ve led to the same impending doom. Steve was going to confront her… 

Everything was falling apart… and she wanted to fucking disappear. 

Somehow she mustered up the energy to stand up, and began to stagger to the other door, so she could avoid Bucky downstairs. “I need to leave.” 

“You need to see your doctor, [Y/N]. Your powers, zey’re—” Wanda followed [Y/N], trying to steady her. 

“I will. I just… need air.” 

“I’ll come with.” 

“No. Alone,” [Y/N] said. 

Wanda wasn’t helping. Her silence made it worse. It made the criticism of herself louder, because [Y/N] wasn’t the only one thinking it. She felt so terribly small, and there was nothing she could do about it. No hope. Just pain. And she deserved it. [Y/N] stepped outside of the confines of the Tower and took to the streets of the City. Desperation etched its way into every crease of her slouched figure, and scattered her mind. Steve didn’t even answer Bucky. He just left him standing. The suffering they caused him must be considerable. The guilt she felt over it could probably not compare. Steve was the victim in all of this. She and Bucky might’ve been unwilling participants to the games of the heart, but Steve… he… was a casualty. Theirs. She would have to live with that. 

She stopped dead in her tracks, and immediately got pushed to the side by a passerby who couldn’t have seen her. She gasped, and moved to the side of the sidewalk, out of harm’s way.The streets no longer helped. There may have been fresh air, but she was just as much caged in. The day was coming to its end as [Y/N] had strayed far away from the Tower, but the sun still glared down at her while she drifted through the sea of people, now on her way back. She tried to cover her face with her arm, but… the light coruscated right through her. 

Almost as soon as she arrived home, she ran into Steve. She wasn’t going to avoid him, anyway. There was no more running from any of it. She knew that now. 

“Hey Steve…” Her voice grew shrill. 

“Hey.” He nodded, then reached for her hand. “Think you’re ready to talk this time?” 

She stared his hand. The loving gesture hurt more than he could know. She didn’t deserve it… but she took it. “No… but you need to, so I’ll talk.” They walked in silence to her bedroom, Steve squeezing her hand every now and then as it grew clammier. 

He remained quiet once she shut the door, and that was eating her up. She backed away from him, her arms crossing and her hands vanishing underneath her armpits to shield herself from the imminent peril. “Did you see the doctor about your power? You suddenly went invisible.” 

“Probably stress related.” 

“Want to talk about the stress?”

“I don’t know how to.” 

“Is it about… Bucky?” Steve asked as he neared her. She pressed her eyes shut and nodded. The guilt and pain bubbled inside of her, quickly overflowing, making the tears creep up around her eyes. Round fucking three. She was exhausted. “Do you… do you have feelings for him?” 

“Yes,” she sobbed as she stared at their feet. 

“I see.” His voice was cool. 

That made her look up. “But I love you, Steve. I love you.” 

“You do?” 

“Of course I do!” 

Steve crossed his arms tightly across his chest. “Then… how… How did this happen?” 

“Bucky… I was angry with him for treating me so badly. You still remember?” He nodded pensively. “I approached him when he returned from his op from Colombia. I was so angry with him. I wouldn’t accept his ill-mannered behavior anymore, but I didn’t realize where it came from. Not until it was too late.”

“Too late?”

“He kissed me.” 

“Did you kiss him back?’ Steve asked, his voice still steadfast and smooth, exactly what she was used to and loved, but now she could also hear the coldness and dread in his voice, and it made her feel so fucking small. How could she have done this to the man she loved so much? How could she be involved—even if she tried not to—with his best friend? How could she keep this from him?

“Yes,” she whimpered, and the tears rolled down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Steve. I’ve been carrying around that secret with me. The guilt I feel over it. I feel so fucking guilty. So many times I wish it didn’t happen. I wish Bucky hadn’t kissed me… that I hadn’t pushed him for the truth. That I didn’t fucking feel this way.” 

“Do you love him?” 

“I-I think so… but I love you too. I love you _so_ much. I know that.” 

Steve turned away from her, rubbing the back of his neck. It had reddened all the way to the tip of his ears. He bared the side of his face, his expression dulled. “Then _how_ could you?” 

“I don’t know. God, I’m so sorry, Steve. I’m _so_ sorry.” 

“Yeah… my best pal and my girl. They’re both very sorry,” Steve began, and she winced at how detached he sounded. He wasn’t showing his emotions to her. Not anymore, she thought lamentably. She lost that prerogative. Did that mean she lost him too? “I need to clear my head.” 

He didn’t meet her gaze anymore, and she let him leave. After he closed her bedroom door, she removed her shoes, and crawled into bed. Hints of vanilla and musk. It smelled like him. [Y/N] laid on her side, raised her knees to her breasts, and her blanket over her head. The tears flowed from her in an unbroken stream, muzzled only by the warmth and darkness of the fabrics she was enclosed in. 

[Y/N] had seen all the movies, she had read the books, she had heard all the stories from friends when she was a teenager… they all told her romantic tales of epic proportions, of relationships where the lines between passion and frenzy were blurred, of one true love—a soulmate—that was put on this world for someone with whom the fire of desire would never fizzle and extinguish. Those grand romances… she never cared for them. All she wanted was a solid foundation of friendship, mutual trust and respect, and compassion. Someone to grow with, someone to learn with, someone to build with. And she found that someone in Steve.

It was why it was so hard for her to grasp… that she seemed to have a similar connection with Bucky. It was all there. The signs too, if only she had seen them sooner, then she may have stopped herself from developing her intimate friendship with him… because now it had transformed into something more, whether she was a willing participant or not. Now, the connection she only wanted with Steve… she seemed to also have with Bucky.

And that didn’t make sense to her.

There were no such things as soulmates, she truly believed that, but… was it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? It must be, because she wasn’t sure how else to label the circumstances she’d gone through the last couple of months. Possible? So it seemed, but not acceptable. Her behavior? Inappropriate. Her betrayal to Steve? Unforgivable.

Maybe… maybe it would be better if she just walked away from it all. No more hurt, and no more hurting. Not by her hand. There was no other way out here. There was no happy ending. She could never choose between these two men… even when she tried to choose just Steve, her mind still wanted Bucky too. And that was… unacceptable.

She wanted to spare them all pain. Truthfully, she wanted to spare herself more pain too. How much did Steve hate her now? Could he ever forgive her? Would he cut all ties with her? She wasn’t sure if she could recuperate from the loss of Steve. A hole in her leg? Fixable. A hole in her heart? That kinda damage was more permanent. 

Her feelings would be her downfall, her slow road to ruin, and she was stuck between these two men. There was no refutal left. She’d been through them all, all her pressing questions were finally answered. She had to let go.

_No more_.

[Y/N] eventually fell asleep. She may have lost time again. She didn’t know. The darkness didn’t only drown her sounds, but also the ability to catch a glimpse of herself. She probably disappeared again. She probably lost time again. She didn’t care.

It was late. The only illumination that came from her windows were the bright lights of the City. Signs. Buildings. Lampposts. Cars. The digital clock on her phone indicated that three hours had come and gone. Her stomach growled when she read that. Way past dinner time. [Y/N] rubbed her eyes. It hurt. She walked into her bathroom and washed it. The tears had dried out her eyes. Hopefully that meant there were no more tears to spill. She couldn’t handle round five. After dabbing her face with a towel, she went to the kitchen where she found Sam and Wanda sharing a pint of ice cream.

“Hey you.” Sam pulled out another spoon. “Looks like you could use one too.”

[Y/N] glanced at Wanda, who raised her shoulder. She didn’t know what that meant, but she took the spoon, and they ate the ice cream in silence.

“What’s for dinner?” [Y/N] asked when her stomach announced that it was hungry. 

“Stir-fry. Beef bulgogi.” 

“Who cooked?” 

“Me.”

“Thanks, Sam.” 

“Sure. If only more people showed up for what’s supposed to be _shared_ dinners.” 

“I’m sorry…” 

Sam directed her to the leftovers, and after a big and quiet dinner, she set out to find Steve. She had made up her mind. She hoped he would want to talk to her… but when she knocked on his room, she didn’t get an answer. So she went to the gym next. There was someone there. Just not someone she wanted to see right now. She went to his office. Empty. She went to the library. The lights were off. She could try all the other spaces the Tower offered, but she was so damn tired. Instead she headed back to his bedroom… and curled up on his couch, intent on waiting on him, until sleep took a hold of her…

A gentle warm nudge back and forth on her shoulder woke her from a pleasant dream. She opened her eyes, and found Steve staring back at her. He was arching over the couch, sweat covered his forehead and stained his shirt. His hand was still on her figure, and his lips were pressed together. 

“You’re home late…” [Y/N] lifted herself against the back of the couch, her voice laced with sleep, and Steve straightened himself. 

“Yeah…”

“Where’ve you been?”

“Goldie’s Gym.” 

“That place in Brooklyn?” She asked, and he nodded. 

“Look… I don’t want to talk right now. I’m tired. And… I’m hurting. Can it wait til the morning?” 

“Yeah, of course it can. I’ll go. Night.” She stood up, their gazes meeting, and his widened. 

Steve’s hand shot out to grab her arm, almost out of instinct, it seemed. “Wait. Your eyes are red… Are you holding up?” 

“No, but that’s fine. We can talk about it tomorrow… or whenever you’re ready.” 

“We can talk about it now.” Steve let go of her arm, and waited for her. 

But she shook her head, her lower lip quivering. “I’ll just make things worse.” Steve remained silent, and his frame stiffened at the remark… Maybe he thought she had made bigger mistakes than kissing Bucky. She couldn’t let him think that. “I-I think it’s better if… we break up.”

“ _What?_ ” Steve’s jaw dropped. “You… want to—”

“Not want. I just think it would be better.” 

“Are you… are you picking Bucky?”

 

 


	10. A New Approach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where do they end up?

There were barely any trees in Manhattan, but [Y/N] loved being surrounded by trees just as much as Wanda did. It was why they often ventured out to Bryant Park, only located a couple of minutes away from the Tower. An incomparable structure of vibrant greens and earthy browns in the midst of the lofty skyscrapers. But now snow covered the fields of color. And [Y/N] didn’t go out as much anymore. Not if she didn’t have to.

Her room was much warmer with the heating on twenty-four seven, and much cozier with the assemblies of small candles placed on her desk and bedside tables. Wanda was with her a lot. Back to their old routines: lounging on the couch or theatre room and binge-watching old and new shows. They were in the second season of _Ugly Betty_ , and the drama kept piling on. It was good not to have to think about her own drama.

Sam took her out of the house every once in a while. Forced socialization with him and Reggie. Tasty dinners in different boroughs of the City, so [Y/N] couldn’t complain much. She also appreciated Sam for making an effort. He was stuck between friends. They all were. But no one was forcing anyone to choose sides. Not Steve. Not Bucky. Not her. They were mostly avoidant, and she really only saw Steve and Bucky in passing, and when she did they all behaved in a sensible manner. Acknowledging each other. Checking in. Smalltalk. But then they’d be off to avoiding.

That didn’t mean Steve hadn’t sought her out a couple of times. He was her boss after all. That complicated things a bit. So he made sure she was doing ok, telling her if she needed some time off that it would be fine, that it would be in both their interest to go to Natasha for the time being just to ensure the lines weren’t blurred. She understood it. She appreciated it. Didn’t mean it was any less uncomfortable.

Throughout it all, Steve focused on his work. And when he didn’t, he’d be working out at his old gym in Brooklyn. Sam had told her that. Bucky was always in his room, the gym, or going out for walks with Riley. He’d text her every once in a while if they hadn’t run into each other. Almost like a security blanket, to know the other was still around and still cared — even if it couldn’t lead to anything. She had made that clear. And Steve and Bucky… they didn’t see much of each other either, according to Wanda, not unless it was related to work.

And that’s how it had been for several weeks.

Avoidance and efficiency.

The whole team suffered from the changing dynamics, but she couldn’t do anything about it anymore. She wanted to, but she didn’t know how. [Y/N], on the other hand, didn’t throw herself into work or working out. The doctor informed her that emotional stress was worsening her physical issues, and Natasha deferred her from future missions. Apparently she needed to get her shit together before Natasha would clear her. So weeks worth of binge-watching, processing and boredom… was what she was up to. Not that she minded. It was pretty fucking cold outside, anyway.

At a place of no return. She had stepped away from it, taken some distance, before she’d let it all burn. The thread had snapped. Not just one, but all of them, and she was like a puppet without its strings. Free... but lost. Unobstructed... yet incapacitated. But anything was better than the alternative — there was only misery there. Broken hearts and broken friendships. Maybe now, they would still be mendable. With time.

But there was only so much sitting at home that [Y/N] could do, and eventually the need to do what she was trained to do started creeping in once more. That meant Natasha had to clear her. She had to convince Natasha. What would it take? [Y/N] went back to the gym and Combat Simulation Room to harness and fortify her skills and expertise. She even saw a shrink so she would no longer have to live in her head… well, not just by herself. It was hard, but it helped.

And then came Natasha. She sat on the edge of her desk, her legs crossed at the ankles, and she stared [Y/N] down. Natasha gestured to the chair in front of her desk, quietly observing her, and [Y/N] took the seat. She systematically went through a series of questions, and [Y/N] answered them to the best of her ability. There was no point in trying to give answers she thought Natasha was looking for, because that could very well debase this whole conversation. So her answers were brief, but honest. Not once did she look away from Natasha, not until…

“What about Steve?” Natasha asked, and [Y/N] blinked. “And Bucky?”

“What about them?’

Natasha got up from her desk and took a seat next to [Y/N]. “You know what I mean. The situation you three are in,” she said with a smooth voice.

“There is no situation.” [Y/N] scrunched up her face. “Not anymore.”

“[Y/N]… You’re a terrible liar. You’re going to have to work on that.” 

“No, I mean it. I ended things.”

“And yet it’s not really over… is it?”

Recognition dawned on her face. How much privacy did they have in the Tower? Was that just an illusion… or was it… “Did Steve tell you?”

“He didn’t have to.” Natasha crossed her legs and leaned back in the chair. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

“I don’t know what to tell you… It’s embarrassing. I regret it.”

“Do you regret being with Steve?”

[Y/N] shook her head and stared out the window in Natasha’s office. “No. Those were some of the best moments of my life. I regret how I handled things. I regret not figuring out sooner that I have feelings for Bucky. I regret that it took a kiss. I regret that I kissed him back. I regret not telling Steve. I regret so much. I’ve been a terrible friend and an awful girlfriend.”

“There’s worse things to be,” Natasha said with a soft smile. “You don’t regret having feelings for Bucky?”

“I wish I did, because it complicates my life, but I’ve come to the realization that I can’t control that… I care about him. I can’t help that.”

“And Steve?”

[Y/N] sighed. “Steve too.”

“What a tough spot to be in… wanting two men who want you back.” The corner of Natasha’s mouth quirked up, and [Y/N] scoffed at that.

“I don’t think Steve wants me after what I did to him.”

“You’d be surprised. The heart wants what the heart wants.” Natasha brushed a hand through her hair, pushing it behind her ear. “That’s why there’s better ways to deal with your _situation_.”

“There is?”

“Now I’m no expert on love, but what I’ve learned from it, especially in our field in which the chance at love is so scarce, is that it is not up to us to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within us that we have built against it.”

“I don’t understand…” [Y/N] said, and squinted her eyes, wondering what in the world Natasha was saying _and_ what she wasn’t saying.

“That seems to be a recurring problem for you.”

[Y/N] crinkled her nose. “I-I thought I came her to review my professional betterment… not my love life.”

“The two aren’t linked? Then how do you explain your powers, or the lack thereof?”

“I’ve been working on that.”

“ _How?_ ” Natasha asked immediately, no longer a patient and honeyed tone in her voice.

“By ending things with Steve and Bucky. By working on my mental wellbeing with a shrink. By focusing my mind. By training. I’m doing better.”

“And your heart?”

“It’s… still in pain, but I’m working on that too.”

“And can you work together with Steve and/or Bucky on ops?”

“Yes. I am a professional.”

“It’s not about that. I know you are. You’re great at what you do. But will you be able to focus your mind on the mission when they are around?”

“Yes.”

“Fine then. I’ll take the chance. You’re cleared… but I do think we will have to go back to some mental stress training.”

“If that’s what it takes..”

“That’s what I like to hear. Here’s your mission.” [Y/N] grabbed a file from her desk and handed it to [Y/N]. “Good luck!”

With a big smile plastered on her face, [Y/N] strutted back to the living quarters of the Avengers. Some things were complicated, but this was a good first step towards salvaging her troubled life. Perhaps she could even retrieve some specks of her old friendships. Go back to being the family they were almost a year ago. A tight-knitted group of comrades who could rely on one another. She really wanted that. Perhaps that was more than she deserved too, but she dared to hope. [Y/N] dropped herself on her soft bed. It didn’t smell like Steve anymore, so she wasn’t reminded of him every time she rested on her bed… now there were other painful memories.

She opened the document and began to read through tomorrow’s mission. Technical intelligence collection of weaponry based on the research of the Tesseract. The intelligence would help estimate how advanced the weapons were, how to stop them, and possibly… how to make better weapons for the Avengers. Natasha had given them an important task, and [Y/N] was more than ready. She studied the files all night, the blueprints, her moves, and made sure she got plenty of sleep so she’d be energized enough the next day to fly out to Luanda.

The hours flew by, and by the time she had put on her dark blue uniform, Steve walked into the communal locker room. His presence took her by surprise, though it was entirely expected. He still mattered. “Hey, Steve.”

“[Y/N]…” He glanced around the room, then neared her. “You all geared up?”

She nodded with a smile when he leaned against one of the lockers next to hers, and she mirrored his position. “Almost. Just need some basics and my tools.”

“It’s been a while for you. Feeling good about it?”

“Yeah… the hiatus helped. I feel ready.” She had a hard time breathing when he stared at her with those warm blue eyes. She could drown in those and still be at peace. She bit her lip and took the next step, hoping they could salvage their friendship by some means. She would take anything. In the end, she wanted nothing more than his love and support. His compassion and understanding. If that meant they all had to be friends for that role to work in their lives, then she’d gladly take it with both her hands. If Steve would still have her... as a friend. “And you? Are you good, Steve?”

“I’m working on it. I’ll get there.” Steve gave her a small smile as he glanced away. It made her heart flutter. It made her miss him more. “Just needs some time.”

“Despite everything that happened… I want you to know that I still—”

The door to the locker room opened, and Sam waltzed in with a cheerful grin on his face, and Bucky followed closely behind him. “Would you look at that! The rookie has made another comeback.” 

“Sam. Bucky.” [Y/N] muttered when Steve proceeded to his locker, away from her.

“[Y/N]. I like how we’re saying each other’s names now.”

She rolled her eyes, and got back to putting her personal belongings in her locker. At least Sam always knew how to cut the tension. The four of them finished gearing up in front of the Quinjet, attaching their weapons on their bodies when Natasha showed up.

“What are you doing here, Nat?” Steve asked.

“Just checking in. Making sure everything’s going the way it should. Anything I should know?” She walked by the four of them, waiting for a negative, so she could send them off.

“No,” every Avenger said one by one.

Natasha nodded to Steve, who gestured for the others to get on the Quinjet. “Great. It’s a simple op, just requires some team effort.”

“Shouldn’t be a problem,” Steve said, placed his shield on his back with one smooth movement, and he got on himself.

The Quinjet took off with the cloaking system on, and within a few silent hours, they had arrived only a couple of miles away from their destination in Angola.

Steve walked to the rear ramp of the aircraft, glancing back at the others over his shoulder, as he put his shield around his arm. “Everyone knows their position?”

“Airborne. I’ll take out the watchtower first. Cut off their sight, which is kind of ironic be—”

Bucky stepped towards Steve, nudging Sam aside. “I’ll sweep the first deck.”

“I’m headed to the mainframe.” [Y/N] breathed in deeply.

“Good. I’ll make sure your path is clear,” Steve said, and she nodded and focused on clearing her mind, and rendering herself invisible. “Coms and trackers on?” Steve double-checked, and when he got an affirmation he opened the ramp. “Alright, let’s head out.”

The short trek towards the newly-discovered HYDRA settlement didn’t go as smoothly as they had expected. There were traps marked all around the land, and explosives had gone off. Fortunately none of them got harmed, and as the men fought off incoming opponents and bogies, she made her way inside to the mainframe.

“Sam, I need eyes,” Bucky said through the comm link, chaotic noises in the background thundering along with his words.

“I’m working on it.” Sam retorted, as her ear perceived a rustling sound.

[Y/N] wandered as silently as she could through the dark halls, making sure no one would be able to hear her light steps and her short breaths. Rendering herself visible was easy—well, used to be—but making sure she wasn’t perceptible on all levels required more concentration. “Setting up shop.” [Y/N] said after she entered a fluoruescent-lighted room filled with bulky electronic devices that seemed to be storing and processing data.

Finding the right mechanism that would guide her into the mainframe without disrupting system function took some calculated guesswork, but here she excelled. She kneeled, grabbed her appliances and removed the glass display case to the processors. Within a couple of steps, she was locked into the mainframe and the required data was transferring to an external flash drive that she connected it to.

“Two for two. I got you,” Sam said through the intercom a few minutes later, and she could hear the smile. “I’m going to — _Ahhh_.” A loud explosion came, and [Y/N] plucked the comm link out of her ear. _Fuck_. What was that? Was Sam—

“Sam?” She heard Steve ask after she put the comm back in.

“I’m fine. Gimme a minute.” Sam said, and she expelled a breath of relief.

She pulled out the flash drive and screwed the glass display case back on, then tiptoed back to the upper deck. When she turned the corner, she walked into an open and roofless area with a woman in uniform and two foot soldiers. Their backs were turned to her, but they were hunched over a table with documents. Those could be important documents, [Y/N] thought as she took another calculated risk. Natasha might find those useful. [Y/N] stepped back until she found a solid structure to hide behind, and covered her mouth. “Guys, I think I found the primary target,” she whispered.

“Where are you?” Steve asked.

“Top deck. I’m sending my coordinates.”

“Don’t engage. I’m three minutes out,” Steve said, and she could hear his heavy footfall speed up.

“Two minutes,” Bucky grumbled through the speaker, a part of his body colliding with someone else. 

Sam sniggered. “Are we making it a party? Because I can be there in — [Y/N], _behind you!_ ”

“ _Fuck_.” [Y/N] breathed when a third foot soldier pushed her to the ground. She rolled away, to break her fall, but lost the mental focus to remain invisible after the surprise attack. The woman in the uniform turned towards her, and removed a combat knife from her belt. [Y/N] reached for her gun, lifting it above her body, and when the third foot soldier came at her again, she gunned him down without a second thought.

“I’m coming — _Ahhh_.” Another loud crash resounded through the earpiece from Sam’s end, and she cringed as it hurt her ear, but then got to her feet, gun pointed to the three people in front of her, warning them to back the fuck up.

“Bucky!” Steve said, a warning to his voice, and she gestured the people in front of her to retreat to the corner so she could take a closer look at the documents on the table and wait for Steve.

“Going.”

“Sam, are you ok?” Steve asked, but she barely registered the words when two hefty arms grabbed her from behind and squeezed the air out of her. Her arms were stuck to her torso, held there by the stranger, but she managed to fire her gun into the person’s leg then kicked herself free out of the clasp of the stranger. She collapsed with a loud thud, then the man struck her chin with his unharmed leg, making her head pop back as she flattened on the floor.

A smarting pain coursed through her face and culminated in the back of her head into an excruciating discomfort. She coughed and tried to sit up when she tasted the blood in her mouth. Hints of iron. The woman in the uniform sauntered towards her, the knife brandishing in her hand, a smirk on her face as she mumbled something to the two men behind her who grabbed the documents and scurried off. The throbbing was still overwhelming, but her instincts kicked in. Her gun was gone. She rolled on her arms and knees, spat out the blood, and pushed herself off the floor when a hard blow struck the side of her body. She grunted and fell on her side.

With a gasp, her arms went up as the pointed tip of the knife came at her… It stopped the knife from perforating her face, but slashed her hands as she pushed back. She focused her breathing and attempted to propel an invisible force field through her hands, but when that didn’t work she rammed her head against the woman’s, then pushed her off, smearing the woman with her blood. [Y/N] screamed and twisted the woman’s knife, gashing her own hand some more in the process, and turned it around towards her, lowering the tip of the knife… lower… and lower… and lower… until the tip touched the woman’s chest. [Y/N] took a deep breath and pushed harder when a piercing stab slit her side.

She whimpered, dropping the knife she was holding, and touched her wound. Her eyes widened. Warm, thick blood was covering her hand, and she was thrusted to the floor. Another stab. Her body winced. The hints of iron in her mouth now potent. She crawled away on her elbows, but the slivers of black edges didn’t stop… not until they weren’t slivers anymore.

Not until everything went black…

“ _[Y/N]?_ [Y/N]? Can you hear me?” Steve’s voice echoed through the distance, and seemed to come closer every time he said her name.

She blinked, flashes of his worried face before her, and groaned when the pain returned too. Déjà vu. This wasn’t the situation she would’ve chosen for such an experience. She heard Steve sigh, relaxing his hold on her, and she flinched in his arms while she searched for the small flash drive in her belt. “I-I got it… I got it this time.” She showed him, but her hand barely moved an inch.

“It’s fine, [Y/N]. You’re fine. Sam, the Quinjet.” Steve spoke into his comm link.

“On it. I’ll get as close to you as I can.”

“Bucky! _Stop!_ ” Steve turned his head away from her, but she couldn’t follow his gaze. It was too hard. Too painful. She inhaled a gulp of air, and tasted her blood again. What had happened to her? “I need you to help stop the bleeding.” 

“I’m here. I’m here. Sorry.” She heard Bucky’s voice advancing, then more warmth and pain was surrounding her body. Only then did she realize how cold she felt. She cowered. She had to stay warm. Not this again. Not again. She dropped her head to the side and found Bucky’s angered face. Why was he angry? She was about to ask, but then she went back to black.

Was that it then? Was it over? Did the hammer strike? All the shit she went through in her life, all the misery she caused to others, all the hits she took herself… had it finally ended? Was she free? Was she delivered? Breathing. Breathing that came out as pained rustle. Pain. In so many places. [Y/N]’s eyes flickered open, a bright white light blinding her vision. She wanted to raise her arm to cover her face, but nothing happened. Just pain. She whimpered. Slowly, painfully, the blinding light turned into a room. The infirmary. She was safe. She was alive. The doctor was putting something into her body, and sound returned. Natasha was there. Natasha was talking. Kind murmurs, but she couldn’t make them out. Steve stood behind her. He looked so sad. She wanted to comfort him… but her arms wouldn’t move. She whimpered… and fell back asleep.

The disconnect. She wasn’t unfamiliar with it. Her life hadn’t added up for a while now. And she had questioned herself more so than before. The more she searched for answers, the more walls she put up. Afraid of the answers. Afraid she wouldn’t be accepted. Afraid of suffering.

And in her fear, she caused it.

She was the reason for their suffering.

If she could’ve turned off the noises in her head instead, if she could’ve ended the badgering words in her mind, if she could’ve stopped the recurring tapes that played on repeat… Maybe things would’ve gone differently. Maybe she would’ve had true happiness. Maybe the cool days would’ve turned into cool nights, but they would’ve had their sweet confessions to keep them warm. Sauntering through the crowded streets of Manhattan, laughing arm in arm, like old times.

Maybe.

With a soft sigh, [Y/N] woke up from her induced slumber. It took some adjusting to the light, but then she realized she was in the infirmary. She was still there. Alone. She found a cord close to her hand, pulled it up and pressed the button. Within minutes a nurse walked into her room.

“Ms. [Y/L/N]. Good. You’re conscious. I called your emergency contact. How—”

She sucked in her breath as she tried to speak. “What day is it?”

“Thursday.”

“ _Thursday?_ How long have I been out of it?”

“A little over a week…”

“A week! _Ow._ — W-What are my injuries?”

“You’ve incisions on the side of your midriff and on your lower abdomen.”

“God, I was gutted?”

“No, Ms,… well, yes, but—”

“[Y/N]! You’re awake and talking.” Steve rushed into the room, out of breath, and the nurse stepped aside so he could take [Y/N]’s hand.

“Hey you…” She said, and he squeezed her hand. It was comforting, and she closed her eyes to relish in it.

“Stay with me,” Steve whispered, and she fluttered them open again. He dragged a chair next to her bed and sat next to her.

“Hmm. I’m not going anywhere. Gutted or not.”

The nurse stood in the door frame. “I’ll alert the doctor now. He’ll come by to talk you about your injuries and treatment.”

“Thank you,” both [Y/N] and Steve said without looking at her.

“That was a close call.” Steve’s voice was stern, but his fingers caressed the top of her hand with affection, so she nodded. “You gave us all a scare. But you pulled through.”

“The flash drive?”

“Yeah, we got it.”

“Worth it?”

“No. Not worth _this_. But the information proved useful.”

She nodded weakly. “Good.”

“We really have got to stop meeting like this, [Y/N].” Bruce stepped into her room, his face scrunching up as he flipped through her medical information on the clipboard. “I’m not this kind of doctor.”

“ _Ahhh_ , feels like you did a shit job at it too.” [Y/N] tried to grin, but it probably looked more like a grimace. “When did you get back?”

A smile played on his lips. “Just in time, it seems. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.”

Bruce moved towards the monitors and medication. “I’ll up the morphine a little. Pretty sure I’m allowed to do that.”

“Thanks, Bruce.”

“Don’t thank me. Thank the doctors who actually patched you up. But you should rest more,” Bruce said as he sat down in one of the chairs further away from her and Steve.

“Bruce is right. You should.” Steve emphasized.

“Ok, but how is everyone else doing? What about Sam? Last thing I heard he was in danger.”

He squeezed her hand gently. “Sam’s fine. Just a few scratches. Nothing he couldn’t walk off. Everyone is. I am. Bucky is. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Always me, huh? And Wanda?”

“I think Wanda cooked enough food for an army out of worry for you.”

“Stress cooking,” [Y/N] said with a smile, and Steve chuckled.

“Sure is. Go rest. I’ll be here when you wake up again.”

“You will?”

“Of course. Now rest.” Steve brushed his fingers over her cheek, and she leaned into the touch, sighing… suddenly feeling very sleepy again, now that the pain was no longer there to keep her awake. Guess the morphine worked. She’d have to thank Bruce later…

Nothing lasted forever, everything had an expiration date, and some things ended earlier, because they just weren’t meant to be. She wasn’t. Not with either Steve or Bucky. It was ok. She had been overcome with pain for so long… that drowning in it wasn’t so bad after all. The darkness around her eyes told her so as it eased her into a comfortable silence. And after almost dying, there were other things on her mind… like getting back to health.

The world moved on, and so would she. All she needed was some time, like Steve had said.

Everyone visited her in her tiny, white hospital room. It was such an ugly room. No ambiance. Not living. Just sterile and boring. But her friends visited her and kept her company. They eased her through the pain as her wounds healed, both physical and mental ones.

Sam stopped by just to be by her side. He’d read her stories or they’d listen to music together. For once, he didn’t talk so much. He was just there.

Natasha checked in on her once a week, and asked her all kinds of tough questions [Y/N] didn’t want to answer. But Natasha kept her on her toes. No slacking off under her.

Bucky and Riley showed up a lot. Bucky wouldn’t take satisfaction with texts anymore. And it felt so good to have him be near her again. She had missed him.

Vision made her life harder, because he didn’t know how to do smalltalk and she had deep cuts in her body — so no patience.

Steve came in almost every day for a bit, before he went to bed. He’d stay with her until she fell asleep, and then he’d leave. He became her safe place again. Her home, where she felt comforted and loved. She no longer felt as embarrassed around him anymore. He made sure of that.

Wanda brought her soups, so many different soups, so she wouldn’t have to deal with hospital food. It was of a better quality than regular hospital food, but it wasn’t Wanda’s. Her love was in the food, and [Y/N] could taste it. Even if some days eating was the last thing on her mind. Wanda would force her either way. And they continued with _Ugly Betty_ , the end of that show coming in sight… just like the end of her stay at the infirmary.

Once she had returned to her room, the visits from her friends became less recurring, but she had Netflix and a tablet to keep her busy. And Wanda still showed up to force-feed her. And Steve came round for those mind-numbing card games he loved so much. She played them with fervor, and he finally let her win every now and then. She’d have thought winning that way was less gratifying, but not when stuck to a bed. She took all the wins. Fake or not. And she owned them.

“What is it, Steve? I can tell there’s something.” [Y/N] put her cards together. They’d only been a couple of minutes into a game, but he seemed restless.

“I guess I wanted to talk.”

“Go for it…”

“I’ve just been thinking… after everything that has happened. Our friendship. Our romantic relationship. Almost losing you. It just put some things in perspective.”

“Oh… ok?”

“I’m just… trying to give it a place. Make it make sense, you see?” She nodded slowly, and Steve continued. “Did you hurt me? Yeah. Could you have handled things better? I think so.” She put down the cards, but kept her eyes on him. She deserved whatever he was going to say to her. She would listen, and then accept it. “Do I expect you to be without flaws? No. I don’t. I do, however, expect you not to lie to me… or cheat on me. Those are some fundamental things.”

“I know. I hurt you. I broke your trust. I’ve been a terrible person.” [Y/N] bobbed her head.

“And yet…” Steve tilted his head and observed her. “I still love you.”

[Y/N] put her hands underneath her blanket, fidgeting with her fingers. This wasn’t going in the direction she thought it would. “Oh… You do?”

“It’s hard not to love you. I tried. I really tried. Of all the men, you picked Bucky.”

“I didn’t _pick_ him.”

“I know. I’ve realized that _that_ wasn’t a choice… and even after ending things with me, you didn’t go to him like I worried you would. But the other things you did were a choice.”

“And I could never excuse it. I’m sorry, Steve.”

“I know you are. I try to put myself in your shoes. It must’ve been tough. And I don’t know how I would’ve handled the news if you would’ve told me you have feelings for my best pal, so I can assume you imagined the worst. You’ve a knack for that.”

Her eyes burgeoned with tears at the reminder of the ugliest parts of her. “And that’s unfair to you.”

“But still, a tough situation. I wish you would’ve just come to me. Then it wouldn’t be so messy now. Well, it would still be messy… but, maybe, I’d feel less betrayed.”

“I know I can’t change the past, Steve, but I regret it so much. I miss you so much. I wish—” 

“I-I understand.”

“I’m so sorry, Steve. I’m so terribly sorry.” Her hands shot up to her face to cover the tears that ran down her cheeks, just as quickly as they had on the day Steve found out the truth. “But I can’t. I can’t put you through my shit again. I love you _so much_ … but I love Bucky too.”

“I appreciate the honesty. And I want you to know I’m fine with it.”

“What?”

“You and Bucky.”

She just blinked excessively at Steve, no longer embarrassed about the tears. She didn’t understand what he was saying. How on earth could he ever be fine with such a thing? Well, it didn’t matter, anyway. She _wasn’t_ fine with it. “Ugh, I hate this. That’s not what I meant.” She wiped away her tears with the backs of her hands. “I’ve never been here before. It doesn’t make any sense, but I can’t help the way I feel.”

“How do you feel?”

“I can’t choose.” [Y/N] shook her head. “I won’t choose. I’m not going to live in doubt, pondering the what-ifs about the other. That’s not fair to anyone. I’d rather not be with either of you. I’m sorry.”

“No… I mean, I’m fine with you being with Bucky _too_.”

“ _What?_ ”

Steve moved closer next to her, and she sucked in her breath so the movement wouldn’t hurt too much. “I can’t give you up, not anymore, not after almost losing you, not after I’ve gotten a taste of what life is like with you. There’s a lot we need to work on… to reestablish the trust between us… but I miss you. I miss you a lot. And I could never deprive Bucky of everything I want either… or you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“If that means you’re involved with us both, then… I guess that’s how it is. I love you. I’m tired of hurting. I’m taking a page out of Tony’s book. The heart wants what it wants. I understand that. _And that’s the end of it_.” 

“You want what you want?” [Y/N] thought back to an earlier conversation she had had with Steve and sobbed. “Don’t know how you put up with me.”

“The things you do…”

“Are you serious?”

Steve handed her a tissue, and she blew her nose. “Always am.”

“That’s insane.”

“Maybe, but it’s better than forcing yourself to feel a certain way. Better than running away from problems. Better than you losing control over your powers. Better than you almost dying… and me almost losing you.”

“I-I don’t know what to say… What about Bucky?”

“Yeah, about that… _Buck_ …” Steve called to her closed bedroom door, and in sauntered Bucky.

“Oh, you’re here…”

He nodded, closed the door behind him, and stopped behind Steve, putting his hands in his pockets. “I am. And I’m in too. If you are.”

“So I wouldn’t have to choose?” She glanced in disbelief between the two men.

“No choosing,” Steve squeezed her hand, and she stared into his eyes. Was there pain there? Acceptance? Happiness? She couldn’t make it out. 

“We all get what we need,” Bucky said, and pulled her attention to him. 

“Do you? _Really?_ ” Her gaze returned to Steve. “I doubt sharing me with another man, with your best friend, is what you had in mind.”

“You’re right. It definitely wasn’t what I had in mind, but I care too much about the both of you to not give it a try this way. As unconventional as it is…”

“Very unconventional.” Bucky emphasized.

[Y/N] shook her head. “I still don’t understand _how_ …”

“It was something Nat said to me.”

“Oh… about the barriers within?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, how did you know?”

“She said the same thing to me.”

“She didn’t say anything to me…” Bucky mumbled to himself.

[Y/N] shook her head. “You don’t have to do any of this for me, Steve…”

“I know that. I do. And I think there are plenty of barriers… but I’m willing to break them, so to speak,… for the sake of love.” Steve looked up at his friend, then back to [Y/N]. “But we will need rules.”

She laughed, dazed by the proposition these old-fashioned men had come up with. She wanted to repeat how unorthodox this was, and how she couldn’t wrap her head around it, but maybe it was worth giving a try. Maybe it meant… they could be happy somehow. So she nodded in agreement. “Rules. Of course we do.”

“And honesty,” Steve said sternly, and looked at the both of them again.

She nodded fervently now, her eyes full of unexpected hope. She had learned her fucking lesson. Steve surprised her today. He was a far better and more understanding person than she gave him credit for. And she was blessed by it. She would not fuck this up again. _Never again._ “Yes, honesty.”

“No more running,” Bucky tilted his head, a smile growing. 

And hers grew too. “No more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Find me on [Tumblr](https://existentialmalaises.tumblr.com/).


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